Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why Young Adults Feel So Entitled

I read an interesting article by Jeff Zaslow the other day in the Wall Street Journal. I must say that I agree with some of what Jeff says in the article. If you too would like to read it, just click on this link: http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB118358476840657463.html?mod=blog

As the Author, Founder and President of the Parenting with Dignity Foundation and keeping in mind what we have created is a nine-week curriculum that teaches parenting skills, I was interested to read what he had to say about the manner in which children act in today's world. Our curriculum is based upon the unavoidable truth that children will make all of the big decisions in their own lives! In order to have the ability to make great decisions for themselves children must be taught HOW to make good decisions.

Finding Fault Bears Little Fruit

However, I am not quite as willing to blame everything that has gone wrong in the raising of American children on Mr. Rogers. I believe very strongly that our culture has such a distorted view of what the term Self-Esteem means that in two books and nine hours of video I rarely, if ever, even use the term! I agree with the Jeff Zaslow that many parents, educators, child psychologists, and others working with children today believe that they can create high self-esteem in their children by some artificial means of unfounded praise and by using terms like “special”.

That being said, I doubt that few parents learned their distorted view of what it takes to raise a self-directed and self-confident child from some guy in a sweater on a kid’s television program. Even if Mr. Rogers did overuse the term “special”, any application or misapplication of that concept in any family required a decision to do so on the part of the parents!

I believe that far too many adults in America speak of the younger generation as if they had nothing to do with them!

Pointing a finger of blame at some fellow on TV borders upon being ludicrous. Pointing the finger of blame at anyone, for that matter, is equally useless. The purpose of my statements here is not to point the finger of blame at anyone

Children Usually Do what They Have Been Taught

The truth of the matter is that most children do just about exactly what we taught them to do, and they give us just about exactly what we are willing to accept.

The burden of responsibility for how children act today lies directly upon the shoulders of the parents who raised them! Jeff Zaslow, the author of that article, seems to be simply jumping on the bandwagon and attempting to point out what is wrong with kids. But to me that is the problem... he gives almost no mention of even a possible solution. To him I would reply, “If you see a problem and you are not a part of the solution; you are one of the biggest part of the problem!”

A Solution
I firmly believe that the solution to the well identified problem outlined by Jeff Zaslow, lies in teaching parents HOW to teach their children to make good decisions for themselves!

Teaching children morals, values, ethics, and spiritual beliefs for use in making big and important decisions is the key.

The problem is that “orchestrating successful outcomes” for children early in life without teaching them how to make the decisions that result in those outcomes is fruitless. This is not Mr. Roger’s fault. It does not even matter who is at fault. Fixing blame rarely results in any meaningful change.

Solving the Problem is the Key Issue!

Education of parents is the critical action that will result in a change in the decisions and attitudes of the children of our nation and of the world. We must teach children how to make great decisions!

So many parents have accepted the fallacy that it is what they, the parents, know that will protect and guide their children and that is simply not true. It is what the children know and use to make decisions that will result in positive outcomes for those children. Whether the parent spanks their children or praises them is really of little consequence; it is what they teach them that results in the positive outcomes for the child.

Parenting with Dignity does just that! Parenting with Dignity does just that… it acknowledges that children will make all of the big decisions in their lives so, the curriculum gives simple and behaviorally described techniques for parents to use in teaching their children how to make big good decisions.

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #5

PRACTICALITY - "This job needs doing... by you."

One of the most hirable skills in today's world is the ability to see a job that needs doing, to be able to figure out a way to do it efficiently... and then TO DO IT.

Give your children the gift of this unique skill of identifying jobs that need doing and the ability to do those jobs cheerfully with little or no supervision! You can give this skill to your children by giving them jobs to do (simple at first) and then getting out of their way and letting them do the whole job, start to finish.

Start early. If your children are still just toddlers give them simple chores to do and then let them do them. Do not start out by saying, “My kids will not do work because they are lazy!” or anything like that. Hold high expectations for them to complete the jobs and then work beside them or near them so they can imitate your manner of working at a task to completion.

As a child I learned more about how to do a task by watching my father work than I did from any explanation he ever gave me. When he did give instructions they were far more ideas about my capability to work independently than they were about how to do the job. I remember when I was first given the job of raking hay on our ranch. On my first day on the job within the first few hours I had the tractor and rake stuck! I had the front wheels in a ditch and the hind wheels of the rake caught in a fence. When Dad came into the field to see what was keeping me from raking, I will never forget what he said to me.

A Lesson From Dad

He walked over to me and said, “Huh, I thought a little feller with your intelligence would have figured out how to get this tractor unstuck! In case you didn’t know it… you are the brains in this outfit! If this tractor had the smarts to run itself I would have left it out here to work by itself. The next time you are in a fix… THINK! You can figure out situations like this!”

Give Your Kids a Gift... "Think!"

Then he said, “Watch this!” He picked up an old fence post lying nearby and put it in the ditch behind the front wheels. Then he began to back the tractor up while shouting over the noise of the engine, “See how those wheels of the rake are dropping as the front wheels climb onto the post? The next time you are in a pickle use your head!”

I find myself doing that even today. My dad’s words echo in my head as I write this article. “THINK!” Dad gave me the amazing gift of believing in my ability to think and reason things out for myself. He knew how to fix the problem but what he wanted for me was for to be able to figure out how to solve the problem. Those are such different things! Teaching a child how to do something verses teaching a child how to figure out how to do something for themselves!

Let Jobs Be Self-Rewarding!

As your children complete a job, let the satisfaction of completing it be the payoff. It will not be necessary for you to offer lavish praise. A simple statement from you like, "Nicely done, you did that complete job without any help. Doesn't it feel great to do things on your own? It buys you a big bunch of respect and it buys lots of freedom to do things on your own because I do not feel the need to check up on you."

If your children are older and do not seem to be able to do any job on their own and also seem unwilling to do any job on their own, do not become discouraged! Just like them, you have a job to do. THINK! Reason out some ways YOU can start teaching this child how to figure out a way to do a job! You can do it. Your job may be a little tougher since the child is older, but start today. Every day you wait just means the job becomes more difficult!

Decision Making!

Following are some ideas to get you started. First off, with an older child, explain to them what you are trying to do. Tell them the truth! “I have waited too long to begin to show you the amazing abilities you have but I want to start today. I would like for you to organize your room today. I will be available to help you but I want you to organize your room so that it works for you.”

Just think about this from your child’s point of view. Imagine how different it will sound to the child. Rather than saying, “Your room is such a mess. I often wonder how you can stand to live in there!” Think about how your child will feel when you express your confidence in their ability to organize their room.

Ask your children to change or limit their behavior because you have the confidence in their abilities. It is practical and it is very wise to be a positive wizard in your child’s life by showing them how to use their own abilities!

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #3

"Help! I can't do this without you!"

Ok, we are ready for the third of these articles about getting children to decide to act in appropriate ways and to choose to adjust their behavior to suit your expectations for them. Now let’s remember that as parents we are never in control of our children’s behavior. They are!

With that understanding we then must view any change we attempt to make in their behavior to be a process of teaching children to choose the behavior we deem to be desirable. Their change in behavior will be the result of our efforts to lead them to appropriate and approved choices.

Now, please do not misinterpret what I am saying here. I do believe that parents have the right to ask for children to simply be obedient and do what their parents ask them to do. However, obedience also must be taught. Children can learn to simply obey their parents but obedience is dangerous because it does not teach children what to do when there is no one there to make their decisions for them and tell them what to do!

So here we go with the third reason to give children for them to use in choosing to adjust their behavior to match with our expectations.

HELP - "I can't do this without your help!" Many times a simple request for help will work wonders as a limit upon a child's behavior. Think about it . . . when you ask your kid for help you are sending very important messages.

First, you are saying, "You are a very capable person. Look, I'm giving you an important task to do!" So many people have gotten a much distorted view of the term self-esteem. If you have read or listened to much of the Parenting with Dignity material you have most likely noticed that I very rarely use the term and there is a sound reason for this… I do not use it because of the many distorted and varied definitions that so many parents have of self-esteem!

That being said, I honestly believe that almost nothing will allow a child to hold a wonderful opinion of themselves than being treated like they are valued people! Asking for help says that loud and clear to a child!

When I was a child my father took me out in the hay field and he told me that he needed my help. I always reflect back on that day as a pivotal day for me. My dad needed my help. I don believe that I had ever felt so important or valued. Dad had a way with words. I will never forget what he said that day, “Kid, you are the brains on this job! I need you to think!” It was pretty nasty work but I eagerly attacked it because it was a sign that my contribution was important! Give that feeling to your children.

Next, you are saying, "You are a trusted person because this job requires that I trust you." Give your children a job and then let them do it. Buck Minor, the cowboy on our ranch, did this repeatedly with me as I grew up. He would give me a job to do and then he would leave and let me do it. Sometimes I would make a mess or leave part of the job uncompleted. He would not come unglued or angry. He would just give me a pointer, let me know that he really needed me to do the job and then let me try again.

I can tell you that I draw on that confidence I was taugh as a child by having people like my Dad and Buck let me know that they needed me. I believe that there are so many children in today’s culture who have never been told that they are needed. Telling them that you need themj and actually treating them like they are needed are really two very different things.

Then, you are saying, "I need you, and my life would be extremely difficult without you and therefore I have come to you, of all the people I know, to ask for help." Asking a child for help confirms for them that in your family, everyone has value. Letting children know that their family needs them will be a springboard for the rest of their life.

Give your children this feeling of being a valued part of the family often. Giving children tasks to do can be just work if it is presented that way. However, if a job is presented as something that needs ot be done and the child might be the only one who can do it well the job can be fulfilling and it confirm self-worth!

Finally, you are saying, "A family is a place where we all participate simply because we need each other!" Don't be surprised if your child starts to turn to you in times of stress and need soon after you have modeled that behavior for him or her. Treating them like valued people in a tight and mutually dependant family will build trust in the child to share difficult times with you.

If you want your child to trust you, it is necessary to trust them first. Trust s a mutual event! Going to your children and telling them that you need them is a great first step in showing that you trust them.

Let your children know that you need their help. Do not be surprised if you find that you actually do! Most parents who experience difficulties in getting children to do jobs around the home suffer from a lack of trus in their children to do the job!

A “Quick Fix for Misbehavin’ Kids” ?

The "Fiction" of a Quick Fix?

Ever since I began teaching parenting skills almost 30 years ago, one of the most common fallacies that I have encountered is the mistaken idea in the heads of so many parents that there is some great “Quick Fix” for raising kids that are well behaved, self-assured and well adjusted. There is no short cut! Raising kids who are self-assured, well adjusted, self-directed and well behaved requires that parents make permanent and reasoned changes in the way that parents relate to their children!

Just Like Fad Diets

In the same way that fad diets help people to lose weight, only to regain it immediately; “Quick-Fix” parenting techniques usually result in failure to bring about long-term and meaningful changes in the behaviors of children.

The key to making the Parenting with Dignity Program (or any other parenting program) work lies in permanently changing the manner in which parents communicate with and relate to their children! In our program there are assignment sheets that go with each lesson. To make the program work in your family and in your community, every parent in class must do the assignments with their own children during the week between classes. There is no short cut.

There Will Be Difficulties!

Then, after actually doing the assignment, in class the following week, the parents must begin class by discussing the results of their attempts at using the skills taught in the last lesson. It is obvious to me after years of working with parents that there will be some difficulties in these attempts at changing family interaction and family communication. Most often the parents in the class will find that they learn more from the things that they try and that don't work than they learn from the things that do work! In the process of correcting the things that don’t work they will be internalizing their own skills and thoughts.

Permanent Change Is the Real Time-Saver!

In addition, many classes find that as their class reaches the second week, the discussion takes so much time that they postpone some or all of class two in order to discuss the results from the first lesson. In doing this they may find that it takes longer to complete the course, but... in the long run the permanent changes that they make will ultimately save time as they move into using what they have learned in their lives with their children.

The key to changing the behavior of children lies in the ensuing weeks, months, and years. The changes that parents make in their thinking, actions, and behavior must become permanent. There is no short cut to permanent change. The new way of thinking and acting must become a way of life.

Now, over the months and years, parents will save lots of time for themselves if they take the time to permanently change their behavior early in their lives as parents but there is no short cut to that saving of time. A child who is taught to feed herself with regard to acceptable manners and a well balanced diet will be much easier to live with at seventeen. Ther will be a considerable saving of time over the years, but it si not a quick fix. Once the idea of appropriate manners and eating healthily is well established in both the mind of the parent and child, it will only take occasional reminders and reinforcement spaced over time to maintain the desired behavior in later stages of maturation and development.

Remember this simple adage: “It takes no more time to develop a good habit than it takes to develop a bad habit!” However, there is one thing to remember about bad habits… to erase a bad habit takes lots of time; and then… you still must spend more time to develop a new and desirable habit. If there is a “Quick Fix” to use in raising children it lies in making permanent changes and developing good habits as early a possible! Often, it takes more time to teach children the desired behavior at the very beginning; but if you start immediately developing good habits in your children those behaviors will last a lifetime!

Now, if you have waited until your kids are in their teens to begin to teach effective decision making skills, it may take more time to develop the good habits in your children; but, every day that you put off starting means that it will just take that much longer when you actually do begin!

In closing, what I am saying is that the only “Quick Fix” for effective parenting lies in starting right now, TODAY, to make permanent change!

The quick fix in parenting lies in not waiting to start making permanent change!

Listen! (Part Two)

Love is not just something you say; it is something you do… and listening is one of the most loving acts a parent can do for children!

It says that they are important to You!

Listening to children is absolute confirmation to children that they are important to us and important in the world. When a child wants to talk to us, we must make the time to stop and listen. Think about it, what message does the following send? “Please don’t interrupt me; can’t you see I’m reading the paper (doing the dishes, working at my desk, etc.)”

Stop what you are doing. Put down your pen-broom-mouse-phone, turn and make eye contact, and listen. It doesn’t take long. You can establish ground rules for certain tasks, which should not be interrupted, but the list ought to be short and limited to things which absolutely must be attended to. One of the methods that we found to be of the most help to us in teaching and then we transferred to home was to ask, “How much time do you need?” This question usually had little effect upon anything but our awareness of just how little the child was actually asking for. And, in fairness, you are then teaching your child that they too can ask, “How much of my time do you need?”

Let Them Say It!

When listening to kids it is imperative that we, as parents, let the kids say it for themselves! There is a very real and constant temptation to say it for them, especially when they are stuck in a search for the right words and seem stalled. Resist the urge to give them the word and wait for them to find the one they are looking for. It is hard at first but it becomes more natural with time. Just listen and maintain eye contact; this lets them know you are still with them.

If it is not clear what they are trying to express, ask for explanation or clarification but resist the urge to jump in and say what you think they are saying for them. Get them to say it again until you get it. Remember that they are speaking to you because they have something they want you to know and they know what it is but this is the first time they have actually tried to say it. Be patient; few people are good at something on the first try.

Resist the Urge To Give Advice

Resist the constant parental urge to jump in with your advice. Particularly at the middle school level and up, if you constantly add your advice to their sharing the sharing will stop very quickly. Ask, “Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?” You MUST NOT offer advice if they indicate the latter. Just bite those bloody holes in your tongue and keep quiet. The spin-off of keeping your advice to yourself is that, eventually, they will tell you when they want your advice.

Key "Listening words"

Here are six simple comments you can use to indicate that you are actively listening but are not being judgmental. Simply inject the following into pauses as your child is speaking: “Oh,” “really,” “wow,” ummm,” “I didn’t know you felt like that,” and “tell me more.” These will indicate active listening and will encourage further comment.

Getting Kids To Talk about Things During Crisis

One of the byproducts of listening to children is that they then build a vision of the world that says “My parents are a source of advice and knowledge and talking to them helps me to make sense of my world.” Then in times of crisis don’t be surprised if you are included in their struggles to make good decisions about the big stuff they encounter. It is not possible to close the door on kids small concerns and thoughts and then expect them to come to us with their big problems. We can either offer an open door or a closed door… not a door that is open at certain times and closed at others.

There is a great game called “The Ungame” which teaches us to listen to our kids and to each other. It is a very simple board game where you roll dice and move pieces around a board, and it gives prompts and questions to stimulate discussion. However, there is one rule making it unique; the only person who can speak is the one whose turn it is. Nobody else can say anything. The only way anyone else can make comment on another’s statement is to wait until their next turn and then forfeit their turn to make comment or ask for explanation of a previous player’s statement. It often brings about big changes in family dynamics.

Give Kids a "Secret Sign"

It bears mentioning that in this bit of advice about listening I am not saying that your children can interrupt you at any time, regardless of what you are doing. Establish guidelines for them. Probably the most important of which is the appropriate way to enter an adult conversation. It might be worthwhile to establish an emergency signal for your kids to use if they simply can’t wait for an appropriate entry. (Something like a strong tug on your ring finger, or saying a secret word.)

Parental listening is a gift of love that we can easily and constantly give to our children. At first it takes some discipline but soon it becomes a habit and for us there is a simple reward… our kids are talking to us! Besides that, when you listen, you hear some of the funniest stuff!

Remember that, like any other message of love, the time they most need to be listened to, is also the time when we feel least like listening. But if we, as parents, can listen at these times we will confirm their self worth.