Dealing with Bullying

A Letter from a Distressed Mom

Dear Mr. Bledsoe,

I am the parent of a 3.5 year-old girl. I have worked hard to teach her the behaviors I value like being kind to others, sharing, showing empathy, being truthful. Unfortunately, I am falling down when it comes to a couple of areas and it is painful for me to watch. What can I teach my daughter to do when people (children her age or older) don't want to play, call her names, push, take things from her? We live on a military base overseas and I see this behavior again and again.

I try to remove her from it, but I do not know if that is the right thing to do in the end (sometimes I get rather angry but am at a loss over how to properly react). I generally make sure she tells the other children she does not like that, stop and then I don't know what to do...unless the behavior continues, then we retreat.

My daughter is usually so upset by these interludes that she cries. But she gets over it pretty quickly, I am having problems letting go and I don't know how to talk to her about it. Also, she has recently started making up tales when she has conflicts with kids she is playing with...running to mom for the answer. I cannot let that go on, but do not know how to handle it, I want her to be able to come to me but not with fibs or half-truths.

I was bullied and isolated as a child and do not intend for her to repeat history. She is so socially oriented though that I feel bad that she do not have many playmates (I am rather choosy for her and want parents/children with similar values) and she always wants to go play with other kids, even when an outcome has been negative. I am placing her in part-day care three days a week and realize that at some point she will have to learn good ways to solve her problems with peers and still feel good about herself and her peers without being bullied or otherwise victimized.

I do not feel I can adequately help her do this...any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Clueless Mom

An Answer

Dear Mom,

Congratulations! You are more than half way to solving the problem with your daughter… because you recognize the problem and you are seeking help in finding a solution. That is usually the most difficult part of the battle. Please do not ever refer to yourself again as “Clueless Mom”, you are the farthest thing from being clueless… you are seeking answers and you will find them. Remember that the ideas in YOUR head will rule your world. Start this process by saying good things about youyrself!

Now for some help:

1. Remember that your daughter is only three and a half! It is wonderful that you are teaching such great values and behaviors to your daughter but remember you are teaching some very complex ideas to her. It will take time. It took you a lifetime to learn these same behaviors and by your own statements you are still learning. Keep teaching but just remember that it is going to take time!

My gosh, there are many people who reach old age who have never mastered empathy and sharing. Keep teaching. Do not assume that she has learned anything until she demonstrates her understanding by using what you have taught her but be reasonable. It will take time to teach much of what you are setting out to teach.

2. The next bit of advice that I am going to offer to you is a bit more complicated but, believe me, it will reap great rewards for you and your daughter if you accept what I am going to offer to you next. Stay with me on this and read to the end before rejecting or accepting the idea I am going to offer to you now. Start a parenting class. That is right, I said start a parenting class! It is easy to do if you use our proven method using the DVD Parenting with Dignity Curriculum ( http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/order/buy_dvd.htm ). On our website we lay out the entire plan for starting and running your class: (http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm ).

Now listen to the reasons that this will be a solution to your problems with your daughter. It is so much easier to teach your daughter concepts like compassion, empathy, respect, dignity, etc. if the children that your daughter plays with and goes to school with are taught similar concepts and behaviors! Please, do not get me wrong here, I am not suggesting that you start your class to point the finger of guilt at other people’s children or anything like that. What I am telling you is that teaching any concept to your child will be simpler if other children around her have been taught similar beliefs and actions! It is just that simple.

In order to start a Parenting with Dignity class, you do not need to be the teacher. For you, that is one great facet of our course; you do not have to be the teacher! The teacher is on the DVD’s. All you have to do is to get folks together to discuss the concepts presented in the course. You will find that the best thing you can do in your classes is to answer almost every question with the question, “I don’t know, what do the rest of you think?”

Now, think for a minute about your daughter’s situation in playing with other children. When she uses kindness, respect, dignity, empathy, and compassion with other children, the chances of her behavior being returned to her go up infinitely when the other children have been taught to recognize and exhibit similar behavior! It is really very simple.

Please consider this suggestion. If you are interested, please visit our website and take a look at the plan for starting a class. You will not have to do every one of the things suggested there but you will get lots of proven ideas that will help you to start a class. Believe me, you will learn right along with all of the others in the class that you start.

3. Next, I would suggest that you keep on teaching the sound values, morals, and ethics that you are teaching your daughter. Regardless of the surrounding behaviors she will grow to be able to make her own decisions about her own actions, independent of the other children’s sometimes, cruel and insensitive actions. Your daughter will affect change in many of those other children around her by her simple kind and empathetic actions. Teach your daughter to tell the other children what it is that she would like them to do. It is one thing for her to tell them what she does not like. It is an entirely different thing to teach her to explain some better actions to them.

Do not remove her from those situations unless you deem that she will be hurt, injured or damaged by what is happening. Start teaching her how to reasonably react to some of the cruel and insensitive actions of those other kids.

4. Use our Rule # 1 (http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/2-5rules.htm ) from our curriculum and make sure that you are very clear in your own mind what you expect your daughter to do in those situations and then teach those behaviors and actions to her. Remember that when teaching something like that to a young child, you are often best served by not trying to use words. Role play and demonstrate that desired actions to her. Have her practice with you where you role play the actions of the other children and your daughter uses the actions and concepts that you are teaching her.

5. Your daughter is still young but not too young for you to start teaching her how to choose friends for herself. ( Apply Rule #1 http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/2-5rules.htm ) It is fine that you are playing a major role in the process of choosing friends now, at age three and a half; but gradually she should be making more and more of those decisions.

Believe me she has better input that you do and she will soon be better able to choose her own friends for herself than you will! She is there with those kids when adults are not present. Often children learn that when the adults are not present they sometimes can behave very differently, and if your daughter is properly taught, she will know the true character of other children better than you do! If she is being taught how to evaluate character she will choose amazing friends.

Gradually let her choose her own friends and enter into discussions with her about how she is choosing them. Offer her some ideas about things that you look for in friends. Ask her to identify things that she looks for in friends. Gradually she will become a great “friend chooser!”

6. With regard to teaching your daughter to tell the truth, I would suggest to you that she must sense that you disapprove of some of the truths she tells you so she is manufacturing tales to tell you what she thinks you want to hear. She is seeking your approval and positive attention by telling tales. The key is to make sure that you send her daily messages of love (Rule 5 in Parenting with Dignity http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/5-6-Love_video.htm ) so that she does not feel that she needs to tell you anything to be loved. Your love should, in no way, be connected to anything that your daughter does. She needs to know that you love her in spite of everything else going on around her. Your love is not conditional and she needs to know that absolutely.

Certainly your daughter needs to learn to solve problems with her peers on her own. That being said, I wish to reiterate that the best thing you can do to help her to do that would be to start your own class with the parents in that child care agency. If you are not fully willing to meet and interact with the parents of the children that your daughter interacts with on a daily basis, then you must accept what their children do to and do with your daughter!

In closing just let me say that I am not counseling you to try to change the world to match your daughter’s mood swings, personality, or her little personal quirks. Nor am I attempting to say that you try to help her solve her problems by trying to change all of the outside world. You are 100% correct in teaching your daughter to live in the world that confronts her. I am just saying that you can, at the same time, be working to build a better world for all kids in your community by helping other parents to teach similar and wonderful values, morals, and ethics to their children just like you are teaching your daughter!

Teach your daughter to bloom where she is planted… but in addition, you can do some work in the garden too!

Good luck and please let me know if I can be of further assistance to you.

Single Parenting - Don't be a Single

One Bit of Wisdom for Single Parents

A few weeks ago I wrote a few articles that put forth the idea that good parenting is good parenting no matter whether the parent is single or whether there is an active partner. My point was simple; good parenting is good parenting, and that it does not matter whether the parent is single or not.

I still believe that is true! However I do have one piece of advice for single parents… and yet, even this piece of advice can also be used just as effectively by two-parent homes!

Don’t Go it Alone!

As I have said many times in these articles, being a successful and loving parent requires that you think and plan; that you have the confidence to build a parenting strategy that fits your unique personality and the personality of your children. Your plan ought to fit your moral, ethical, and spiritual beleifs. Your plan ought to be constructed so that it preserves the dignity of both you and your children.

That being said, there is no one person who could ever have all of the answers to every problem that might face you and your family!

Help Your Children to Build a Team!

When we were raising our two sons, there were just times when we needed some help or some new perspective in order to be the best parents we could be. We made sure that we had a team of people who cared about and loved our boys. We made sure that our boys knew that we encouraged that they seek out help and advice from others that we all trusted and respected; Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles, coaches, teachers, counselors, pastors, and youth leaders. We let our boys know that we not only approved of them seeking advice and help from these people; we encouraged it!

There were times when some of those other wise folks gave our sons needed help and advice that the boys were simply not comfortable coming to us to get. Give your children the same option. Help them to pick out members of their “Advice Team!”

“Single-Parent” Does NOT Mean “Alone-Parent!”

This concept may be especially applicable to single parents. If you are a single Mom, find some men to join your team to give advice and help to your kids. If you are a single dad, find some trusted women to offer help and advice to your children.

Build Your Own Team as Well

So many parents seem to feel that in order to be a good parent, they must do everything for themselves… and nothing could be further from the truth. The best parents are the ones with lots of people that they can seek out for advice. Successful parents aren't reluctant to seek out the wisdom of others. They know that, when it is all said and done, the decisions about their family are up to them. But… before they make big decisions, there is plenty of wisdom out there that they can consider before those decisions are made.

Start a Parenting with Dignity Class

One of the best ways to develop a “Team of Advisors” to seek out for advice and help as you work to be the best parent that you can be is to start a Parenting with Dignity class! By starting a class you immediately have a whole group of parents who share your desire to be the best that they can be. The discussions during classes develop open channels for seeking advice in the future. Most people find that a parenting class becomes sort of like a support group.

Also, having some common understanding of the skills and the techniques of the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum makes it so much easier to openly discuss problems with other parents who have been through instruction in the same skills.

Starting a Parenting with Dignity Class is not as difficult as it might seem; and often the very best facilitators are parents who are going through the course for the first time! If you think that you might like to start a class, please click on this link ( http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm ) and do some reading. If this sounds like something you might like to do, just go to our website and order a set of DVD’s and get started.

Start a Parenting with Dignity Class in Your Community

Letters from Parents

Daily, I am receiving lots of letters from thousands of parents, from all across the country, seeking help with specific parenting problems and obviously, I will continue to offer specific advice via this column because it fills a need for so many parents and so many families. However, the point that I will be attempting to make here today is that in spite of receiving valuable help from these regular articles, the advice with the most lasting value that you can receive from Parenting with Dignity lies in allowing yourself to go through the entire course! Going through each lesson and doing all of the assignments will bring the most value to your family!

Get the Maximum Value from Parenting with Dignity

As a matter of fact, the maximum value that families can receive from Parenting with Dignity comes from not only going through the class themselves; some of the greatest value comes from forming a class and going through the curriculum with other parents in your neighborhood or community!

Benefit from the Experiences of Others!

When families go through the complete course together, they all benefit much more than they would by just going through the curriculum on their own.

Just like in this column, many others may benefit from a question from one parent. Most people tell us that they benefit as much from the discussions with other parents as they do from the curriculum itself! But even more than benefiting from the questions of others, there is an even greater benefit that families receive from going through the curriculum together!

A Very Simple Concept

This is not a difficult concept to understand. I know that this might be a repetition for some who have read many of my other columns but hopefully a little repetition might also help. Regardless of whether you have heard me say this before or not, please understand this: It is so much easier to teach your own children something if every other home that they visit is teaching the same thing!

It is so much easier to teach something as simple as saying "please" and "thank-you" at your own dinner table, if every home your child visits is teaching the same thing! It is so much easier to teach your children the advantages of drug-free living if your children are in constant contact with other children who have been taught a similar approach to that way of life. Like I said in a recent article, peer pressure is only negative if it pushes in a negative direction! Positive peer pressure can be your biggest ally!

Build Positive Peer Pressure

It is simply much more natural to expect your children to behave in a desired manner if their friends are doing so too! It is just so much more reasonable to expect your child to behave in an appropriate manner while on a date to the Prom if he/she is dating a young person who has been taught similar dating behavior! If they are on a double date with others who have also been taught similar dating behavior the peer pressure is pushing them all toward doing the right thing!

Create a Positive Community for Raising Your Children

Put very simply, Parenting with Dignity will help you to build the community to raise your children! Please join the many other families who have started a Parenting with Dignity Course ( http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm )in their neighborhood. Order a copy of our DVD Curriculum and start a class today!

Starting a Parenting with Dignity Class

Create Positive Peer Pressure

In my last article (and in many previous articles) I suggested that parents start a Parenting with Dignity class as a means of working with their own children. Combating peer pressure is really a pretty simple concept when you stop and think about it. All it takes is to create a strong community to raise your children!

A Logical Step In Becoming the Most Effective Parent You Can Be

It is much simpler, easier, more logical, and much more successful for parents to teach something to their own children, if the other children in their world have been taught similar behaviors. Like I said, peer pressure is only a negative force if it is putting pressure on children to misbehave. Peer pressure can be one of the most powerful forces for encouraging children to behave in an approved manner if that peer pressure is pushing in a positive direction.

If a peer group has been collectively taught to use proper table manners, then the peer pressure in your community can be expected to push on your children to use proper table manners!

Likewise, if a peer group has been collectively taught to avoid the use of illegal drugs, then the peer pressure can be expected to drive your children to make a good decision regarding the use of illegal drugs!

How Can You Create “Positive Peer Pressure?”

Creating positive peer pressure can be done quite easily… all that it requires is that parents meet together and establish some of the easily taught decision-making processes that lead to those good decisions.

One of the most effective means of meeting with parents top discuss some of these guidelines for children is to start a Parenting with Dignity Class!
For a plan for starting a Parenting with Dignity class please just go to our website via this link: (http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm ) We have recently updated this Facilitator's Guide to provide a very complete, step-by-step plan for setting up a PWD Class.

Please print a copy and use it to get a Parenting with Dignity Class started today! It might be the best thing that you can do to help safe guard your children's decision making processes.

Is It Ever Too Late to Become an Effective Parent?

An Extremely Common Question

Today’s topic is a question that comes to us almost daily, so I will offer an article on the subject. Here is one version of the common question that I received just yesterday:
“Many parents with preteens and teens are just now getting this information on how to parent effectively. For those of us having significant problems with an older child, is it too late to start with some new parenting skills?”

An Answer to a Great Question!

This is a real dilemma for many parents who go through the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum at a time when their children are a little older. Many parents who were raised by very controlling or ineffective parents, have only their parents as a model for raising their own children. So... they have futilely tried to control their child’s every action or immitate their parents ineffewctive strategies. Then, after experiencing some difficulties, they attend the first class and hear the common sense advice given to us by Dr. Cobb as he was delivering our first son. Dr. Cobb’s advice was to view the life of a child as a mortgage being paid off a day at a time. He advised us to look at our son at age nine as a half owner of his own life who must then be making half of his own big decisions!
That analogy makes real sense to these newly aware parents and throws them into a dilemma in raising their own child. They now have a child who is 8, 11, 13, or even as old as 17 or 18, and they suddenly realize that they have really not taught this child how to make decisions, especially not big ones. At this point they come to us wondering how, at this late date, they should go about the process of giving the child skills for making decisions for themselves.

It Is Never Too Late!

I always love receiving these insightful questions because it tells me that the parents are really internalizing and attempting to use the advice we are offering.

The Past Cannot Be Changed!

For me the answer to this question is usually pretty simple… “You can never change the past! Try as you might, you can never go back and undo any past actions! The only logical answer is to “draw a line in the dirt” that indicates an end to your prior parenting practices which may have been only to crisis manage rather than to teach! Start today and apply the parenting tools you have learned from this class with your child from this moment forward.”
“If you have made mistakes with your children in the past and you feel that you need to apologize, then do it! But… once you have apologized, stop looking backwards! Focus only on the teaching you will do today and on into the future!”
Then I try to empower these newly enlightened parents to start making some intelligent decisions for themselves! “You know your children better than anyone. You love them like nobody else could. Only you can answer the question of the best strategy at this point. Ask yourself if your child is mature enough to begin to learn right along with you as you begin your new and more effective methods of Parenting with Dignity!

Start Gradually!

Certainly it does not make sense to suddenly dump a whole bunch of decisions upon a child who has never been taught how to make good decisions! You would never put someone who had never seen a car behind the wheel and send them out onto the freeway for their first experience behind the wheel. To effectively handle a car they will certainly need instruction and practice. However, if the child is older, it may not take as much time to teach them because they may have other similar experiences to draw upon in the process of learning to drive. The same is true for teaching children to make good, sound decisions!”

Start Today!

The key is to start TODAY! Start teaching now! Every day that you put it off makes the job more difficult. Start teaching your children to make great decisions immediately. Start with smaller decisions: What time shall I be home? How can I get my chores done in time to get to the game? How can I save for my new cell phone? Then work toward bigger and bigger ones: What will I do about becoming sexually active? How do I avoid using drugs? Because of your late start, you may need to accelerate the teaching process. But the fact that the process was started at a later date might make it possible to proceed at a faster pace.
Certainly, it much easier to teach the process of good decision making if parents start when their children are born and teach the skills as a gradual process, but that should never mean that parents who did not start early should feel guilty or discouraged. All that is necessary is to start immediately and teach, teach, teach!

The only time you fail with a child is the last time that you try! Keep trying!

A “Quick Fix for Misbehavin’ Kids” ?

The "Fiction" of a Quick Fix?

Ever since I began teaching parenting skills almost 30 years ago, one of the most common fallacies that I have encountered is the mistaken idea in the heads of so many parents that there is some great “Quick Fix” for raising kids that are well behaved, self-assured and well adjusted. There is no short cut! Raising kids who are self-assured, well adjusted, self-directed and well behaved requires that parents make permanent and reasoned changes in the way that parents relate to their children!

Just Like Fad Diets

In the same way that fad diets help people to lose weight, only to regain it immediately; “Quick-Fix” parenting techniques usually result in failure to bring about long-term and meaningful changes in the behaviors of children.

The key to making the Parenting with Dignity Program (or any other parenting program) work lies in permanently changing the manner in which parents communicate with and relate to their children! In our program there are assignment sheets that go with each lesson. To make the program work in your family and in your community, every parent in class must do the assignments with their own children during the week between classes. There is no short cut.

There Will Be Difficulties!

Then, after actually doing the assignment, in class the following week, the parents must begin class by discussing the results of their attempts at using the skills taught in the last lesson. It is obvious to me after years of working with parents that there will be some difficulties in these attempts at changing family interaction and family communication. Most often the parents in the class will find that they learn more from the things that they try and that don't work than they learn from the things that do work! In the process of correcting the things that don’t work they will be internalizing their own skills and thoughts.

Permanent Change Is the Real Time-Saver!

In addition, many classes find that as their class reaches the second week, the discussion takes so much time that they postpone some or all of class two in order to discuss the results from the first lesson. In doing this they may find that it takes longer to complete the course, but... in the long run the permanent changes that they make will ultimately save time as they move into using what they have learned in their lives with their children.

The key to changing the behavior of children lies in the ensuing weeks, months, and years. The changes that parents make in their thinking, actions, and behavior must become permanent. There is no short cut to permanent change. The new way of thinking and acting must become a way of life.

Now, over the months and years, parents will save lots of time for themselves if they take the time to permanently change their behavior early in their lives as parents but there is no short cut to that saving of time. A child who is taught to feed herself with regard to acceptable manners and a well balanced diet will be much easier to live with at seventeen. Ther will be a considerable saving of time over the years, but it si not a quick fix. Once the idea of appropriate manners and eating healthily is well established in both the mind of the parent and child, it will only take occasional reminders and reinforcement spaced over time to maintain the desired behavior in later stages of maturation and development.

Remember this simple adage: “It takes no more time to develop a good habit than it takes to develop a bad habit!” However, there is one thing to remember about bad habits… to erase a bad habit takes lots of time; and then… you still must spend more time to develop a new and desirable habit. If there is a “Quick Fix” to use in raising children it lies in making permanent changes and developing good habits as early a possible! Often, it takes more time to teach children the desired behavior at the very beginning; but if you start immediately developing good habits in your children those behaviors will last a lifetime!

Now, if you have waited until your kids are in their teens to begin to teach effective decision making skills, it may take more time to develop the good habits in your children; but, every day that you put off starting means that it will just take that much longer when you actually do begin!

In closing, what I am saying is that the only “Quick Fix” for effective parenting lies in starting right now, TODAY, to make permanent change!

The quick fix in parenting lies in not waiting to start making permanent change!

Bullying Is a Huge Problem!

If my volume of e-mail is any indication, BULLYING is one of the most pressing issues facing parents of school-age children, so please do not feel that you are alone in your worries if you are facing problems with bullying.

Bullying; A Critical Problem

I also want you to know that I view any bullying situation as a critical issue in the healthy development of any child!

Now what should you do if your child is facing a problem with bullying; either by doing some bullying, or by being bullied?

Bullying Cannot Be Solved in Just One Home!

It Takes a Community Effort

Asking your son or daughter to try to fix or stop this bullying behaviour would be futile; just about as futile as it would be for me to ask you, as one lone parent, to attempt to fix this huge problem!

Societal Problems NEED Societal Solutions

As I see it, this problem will never be fixed if each family attempts to make the change all alone! Asking you, as one parent, to do something, in your home, with your lone child would be foolish. Attempting to combat a huge societal problem like bullying would be as silly as Martin Luther King trying to do away with racial prejudice by talking to his son in his kitchen!

Do you see my point? Bullying is not a problem of just one child, or just one family. Even though your child may be a victim, we all must attack the big problem at it's source. Bullying is far bigger than you, your child or your family!

Bullying Is a Huge Problem Involving Many People!

This is a huge societal problem! It needs a societal solution! Now, don't think for a minute that I am telling you to throw up your hands in helplessness... because I am not!!

Here Is a Solution That Might really Work!

What I am telling you is that you need to get started in helping to CREATE THE COMMUNITY THAT IS RAISING YOUR CHILDREN! Do not accept what is going on! But, rather, change it by taking positive action! Just like we teach you in Rule #1 in our curriculum: figure out what you want your community to be like and start building it that way, with a group of families.

How might you do this? It's simple, get a copy of our Parenting with Dignity Curriculum and start a parenting class!

A Simple Concept

This is a very simple concept to understand. It is so much easier for you to teach the use of a simple word like "please" to your own children, if every home they visit uses that word in a similar way! Your child will use PLEASE because everyone else uses it!

By the same token, it is so much simpler to expect your child to make good choices with regard to drugs, if lots of other children do likewise!

It is so much simpler for you to expect your child to behave appropriately while on a date to the Prom, if he is dating a young lady who has been taught the same appropriate dating behavior!

Protecting Children from Bullying Can Be Simple

And... It is so much easier to protect your children from bullying if they are going to a school and interacting with other children who have also been taught to respect the rights and feelings of others!

This Sounds Difficult... But It Really Is Not!

"How do you get there?" you ask. Well, it is pretty simple... you must open a discussion with other parents! A parenting with Dignity Class does exactly that! Parenting with Dignity classes stimulate discussions about what you all wish to teach your children in your community! You must come to some agreement about what all of you are going to teach your children.

You cannot leave this to chance! Leaving it to chance is probably already resulting in Bullying! You must take positive action to create a positive community where children grow up respecting each other!

Please subscribe to this blog and I promise that I will do a series of future articles about how to set up and effectively run a Parenting with Dignity class.

Starting a Parenting with Dignity Class

(Another in Series of Letters from Concerned Parents (If you would like to submit a question for Mac to answer, please feel free to post your question at the bottom of the page!)

Why Would We Want to Start a PWD Class?

Dear Mac,

My wife and I recently purchased a set of the Parenting with Dignity, DVD curriculum and we love it. (We really loved the fact that we received a book for free with the order! the book really helps to refer to after watching he video.) The techniques are working with amazing success. We cannot believe the change in the climate in our family, and both of us feel so much calmer since we are actually approaching our three kids with a real plan. We are about halfway through the Assignment sheets and have just finished with Segment 5.

Our question for you is regarding the starting of a class. We love the curriculum but on your website you are continually trying to get parents to get together and watch the sessions as a group or class with other parents and we are not sure that we see that added value in going through the curriculum with other parents. Why should we put forth the effort to meet with others since the curriculum is working so well for us?

Sincerely,
Father and Mother from West Virginia

A Simple Answer to A Common Question

Dear Father and Mother,

Your question is very perceptive and it is one that I receive almost weekly, so I will answer your question (and the questions of others) regarding the value of holding Parenting with Dignity classes!

It is really quite simple when you think about it; from the day your kids enter school at the common age of five they will spend more waking hours with the kids of other families than they spend with you! Those kids from other families are going to exert a very real and powerful force in the lives of your kids (this is commonly called "peer pressure"). You don’t say how old your kids are but if you have three it is probably pretty safe to assume that at least one of your kids is already of school age and maybe all of them are already in school.

Just like it says in our curriculum, “The ideas in the heads of you kids will rule their world! And it does not matter where those ideas come from”. In the American culture many of the ideas in kids heads come from the kids that they spend time with at school! If you are NOT willing to engage in discussions with the families of those kids and insist on doing “your own thing in your own home” with little or no interaction with the families of the kids that your kids go to school with and play with, then you are committing a fatal error. Those other kids and families will exert lots of pressure on you kids with some pretty dysfunctional ideas; and if you are unwilling to interact you must accept what you get! But peer pressure need not be a negative force!

This Will Sound Familiar!

It works like this: It is so much easier for you to teach something as simple as saying “please” and “thank-you” at your dinner table if, when your kids visit another family home and your kid says, “Hey gimme a biscuit,” and then someone at that table asks them to use “Please!” All of a sudden you are not so weird for demanding the same in your home.

Roll the camera ahead a few years and your daughter or son is on a date to the Prom. It is so much easier for your kid to practice appropriate dating behavior if the kid he or she is dating is practicing the same behavior!
It is so much more reasonable to expect your kid to say “no” to drugs if he or she has friends who are cool, and who are also saying “no” surrounding them! It is much easier to place productive and healthy ideas in your kids’ heads if the kids that they go to school with and hang out with have similar ideas in their heads!

“How do we get there?” you ask. Well it is really pretty simple; you have to get together with the parents of the kids that your kids play with, and go to school with. You need to sit down with the other parents and look each other in the eye and agree on some similar techniques and ideas.

At this point so many parents say, “But we will never agree with other parents on everything!” Granted, but, you know, I have now been in communities in every one of the fifty states, and let me tell you it is not nearly as hard as it may appear at first glance!

Not So Difficult to Find Agreement

If you put twenty adults in a room and ask them to form a list of the twenty biggest problems that they anticipate that their kids will face before they are twenty-one, almost every group will come up with the same list!

The key is to anticipate what your kids will face and to give them the guidance BEFORE they are in the situation. If a whole group of parents have agreed that they want their kids to know what to do in the event that drugs are offered, then they must develop those positive expectations in the heads of their kids! This works so much better if those same actions are in the heads of many of your kids friends and classmates!

A Stimulant for Discussion

Our classes are a great medium for stimulating those discussions in a very non-threatening way! If you will hold the classes with twelve other families then you will have twelve allies in placing productive and positive ideas in your kids heads!

I cannot encourage you strongly enough to set up a class with Parenting with Dignity solely for the purpose of engaging with other parents in building strategies for collectively creating the community to raise your kids. Believe me it works! (And the review of the curriculum will not hurt you either!)

In closing let me offer just one more side benefit to holding classes… you will learn more from the other people in the class than you learn from the curriculum! It is true. You will learn more from the ideas and experiences that the other parents bring to class than you will learn from the curriculum itself. The other families will bring in examples and situations typical to your community and your local culture!

Good luck and if you need help setting up your class just go to http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm and print that page. It is a compilation of things we have learned about setting up successful classes.

Go for it and let me know if I can be of help in setting up your class.

Sincerely,

Mac Bledsoe