Showing posts with label believing in children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label believing in children. Show all posts

June 12, 2007

Is It Ever Too Late to Become an Effective Parent?

An Extremely Common Question

Today’s topic is a question that comes to us almost daily, so I will offer an article on the subject. Here is one version of the common question that I received just yesterday:
“Many parents with preteens and teens are just now getting this information on how to parent effectively. For those of us having significant problems with an older child, is it too late to start with some new parenting skills?”

An Answer to a Great Question!

This is a real dilemma for many parents who go through the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum at a time when their children are a little older. Many parents who were raised by very controlling or ineffective parents, have only their parents as a model for raising their own children. So... they have futilely tried to control their child’s every action or immitate their parents ineffewctive strategies. Then, after experiencing some difficulties, they attend the first class and hear the common sense advice given to us by Dr. Cobb as he was delivering our first son. Dr. Cobb’s advice was to view the life of a child as a mortgage being paid off a day at a time. He advised us to look at our son at age nine as a half owner of his own life who must then be making half of his own big decisions!
That analogy makes real sense to these newly aware parents and throws them into a dilemma in raising their own child. They now have a child who is 8, 11, 13, or even as old as 17 or 18, and they suddenly realize that they have really not taught this child how to make decisions, especially not big ones. At this point they come to us wondering how, at this late date, they should go about the process of giving the child skills for making decisions for themselves.

It Is Never Too Late!

I always love receiving these insightful questions because it tells me that the parents are really internalizing and attempting to use the advice we are offering.

The Past Cannot Be Changed!

For me the answer to this question is usually pretty simple… “You can never change the past! Try as you might, you can never go back and undo any past actions! The only logical answer is to “draw a line in the dirt” that indicates an end to your prior parenting practices which may have been only to crisis manage rather than to teach! Start today and apply the parenting tools you have learned from this class with your child from this moment forward.”
“If you have made mistakes with your children in the past and you feel that you need to apologize, then do it! But… once you have apologized, stop looking backwards! Focus only on the teaching you will do today and on into the future!”
Then I try to empower these newly enlightened parents to start making some intelligent decisions for themselves! “You know your children better than anyone. You love them like nobody else could. Only you can answer the question of the best strategy at this point. Ask yourself if your child is mature enough to begin to learn right along with you as you begin your new and more effective methods of Parenting with Dignity!

Start Gradually!

Certainly it does not make sense to suddenly dump a whole bunch of decisions upon a child who has never been taught how to make good decisions! You would never put someone who had never seen a car behind the wheel and send them out onto the freeway for their first experience behind the wheel. To effectively handle a car they will certainly need instruction and practice. However, if the child is older, it may not take as much time to teach them because they may have other similar experiences to draw upon in the process of learning to drive. The same is true for teaching children to make good, sound decisions!”

Start Today!

The key is to start TODAY! Start teaching now! Every day that you put it off makes the job more difficult. Start teaching your children to make great decisions immediately. Start with smaller decisions: What time shall I be home? How can I get my chores done in time to get to the game? How can I save for my new cell phone? Then work toward bigger and bigger ones: What will I do about becoming sexually active? How do I avoid using drugs? Because of your late start, you may need to accelerate the teaching process. But the fact that the process was started at a later date might make it possible to proceed at a faster pace.
Certainly, it much easier to teach the process of good decision making if parents start when their children are born and teach the skills as a gradual process, but that should never mean that parents who did not start early should feel guilty or discouraged. All that is necessary is to start immediately and teach, teach, teach!

The only time you fail with a child is the last time that you try! Keep trying!

April 28, 2007

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #6

DECISION MAKING -
"You have a choice to make; what are you going to do?"

Decision-making should be started as early as possible. "Which pair of socks do you want to wear?" “Do you want a red Popsicle or a green one?” “Do you want to play this game or that one?” “Which shirt do you want to wear, the red one or the blue one with the collar?”

Everyday Opportunities to Teach

Every day there are opportunities to give children decisions to make. Give them a chance. I am not talking about decisions that involve danger or decisions that can result in bad outcomes. Just give them everyday decisions.
A Tale of Two Families

The other day I watched two families getting on the airplane that I was riding. As I followed one family on board they had given their three-year-old the tickets and asked her to find their seats. The little girl could easily recognize the letters and numbers on the tickets. The Mom just showed her where the seat numbers were on the bottom of the overhead bins and asked the girl to find their seats.

A few moments later a family followed them into the plane with two teen-age children. In this case the overly controlling mother held the tickets and was rather rudely directing the children to their seats and was giving them no credit for being able to make any decisions.

It was not surprising to me to see that the first family was having no trouble with their children while the second family was having some pretty good arguments about who would sit where! The one family was letting their children get experience in making simple decisions and it was reaping rewards and the other mother was making all of the decisions and was having trouble with her children.

Now, I know that this was not a controlled study and there were lots of other variables at play but I feel quite certain that the dynamic of the parents giving decisions to the children played a part!

Give Your Children Opportunities to Choose

Give children decisions to make! If your children are older and you have not already made this one of your common tasks in your home start today. If you have young ones, start now. The key is to give your children the gift of allowing them to progressively make more and more critical decisions every day.

Learn from What Works!

We can learn by looking at how almost every person in America has learned to ride a bicycle. We have taught almost every single person in America to ride a bike! Probably, none of them learned how to ride a bike by listening to their parents talk about riding bikes or by watching their parents ride one. They learned when someone put them on the seat, put the handlebars in their hands and gave them a shove!

Now, most parents did not just shove the kid and let them just fall over. Most parents ran along side helping to steady the child. But the point is that children learn to ride bikes when someone lets them ride one!

Children Learn to Make Decisions by Making Them!

Children will learn to make good decisions when someone gives them some decisions to make. Just like teaching a child to ride a bike, we do not start with the most difficult decisions. We can start out with some simple decisions and build up to bigger and bigger decisions.

Start Small, then Build Toward Larger and Larger Decisions

Continually hand them bigger and bigger decisions to make. "Here's the map. Which route do you think we should we take?" Next time ask, "Now that you have picked the road to travel what time should we leave?"

Later, seek their advice on tough personnel issues you bring home from work. Spell out the situation and ask their opinion. You do not have to take their advice but the discussion tells them that they are important enough to be included! The simple fact that you asked will give the children a sense of their own value. They might have some great ideas too!

At another time, give them $50.00 and ask them to buy five days worth of groceries with it. Follow with bigger and bigger jobs and bigger and bigger decisions that go with them. Give them real decisions to make and live with their decisions.

Continually ask for their opinion about issues that surround you in life. You might be totally surprised at the great advice and point of view that your children bring to many a decision making process.

Learning by Doing

We learn to make good decisions by making them. It's the same example you heard earlier, "Put them back on the bike!" When they make a bad decision, don't punish them. Tell them you admire their courage for making the decision in the first place! Then ask, "What did you learn from that decision? What are you going to do the next time? How do you think that will work?"

Good Decisions often Come From the Experience of Bad Ones

Many of life’s great decisions come from learning from some earlier decisions that did not work out exactly as anticipated. Give your children the opportunity to make some decisions even if they may seem like bad decisions from time to time. They need the experience. They will learn from those bad decisions!

Then when they get to the big decisions in life they will not cower away from making a decision! Most likely they will make a great decision because they have experience in making decisions!

Obviously, we parents should not offer children decisions to make that might have them being hurt or damaged. That is our job, to protect our children and to act as an occasional filter to prevent a calamity. However, by giving them decisions to make that are easily within their experience and capability level, they will gradually learn… sooo… when the big decisions come along, the experience of other decisions will serve them well.

February 15, 2007

Quality Time?

There is a term that I hear bantered about these days as I travel the country teaching parenting skills. It is the term “Quality Time”. Many parents tell me that they spend quality time with their children… to which I always say, “Bull-oney!”

T_I_M_E !

In raising children, there is TIME… period. No human being holds the power to turn on the switch for “quality” time! I could not come up to you and grab your arm, pull you aside and demand that right now you and I are going to have quality time! And… it is not possible to do that with children either!

Children spell love T-I-M-E!

When dealing with a child there is just plain old time. This is really a simple concept to understand. Time. As a parent you give minutes that turn into hours, hours that turn into days, days that turn into weeks, and weeks that turn into months, and months that turn into years! But, there is just time. As a parent YOU must decide how much of it you will spend with your children!

As a parent, you must give time to your children. Then, I will grant you that some of it will be of more significant “quality” than other bits of time. But just remember that you can never recapture time. Once it is past you cannot go back and reclaim it. Time passes and no person can turn it back. If you decide to take spend an hour away from your children… you will never get it back.

I would be willing to bet that Andy Reid, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, wishes he could turn back the clock today to reclaim some time needed to teach his two boys how to make the critical decisions about the use of drugs and how those drugs will certainly ruin their lives!

Now, please do not get me wrong here, I was privileged to personally meet Andy Reid three years ago at the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. I found him to be a very cordial and likeable man. He seemed to be humble and easy to talk to. We were on the decks of a battleship in Pearl Harbor for a party for the players, coaches, and families of the Pro Bowl participants. It was a nice opportunity for me to get to know a fellow who I have seen on TV many times. I was a football coach for thirty years and it was fun to meet one of the best coaches in the NFL. However, on that evening, I must admit that I wondered where Andy’s children were. Perhaps if he had been with his children rather than talking with me he might have had the time needed.

Not Sitting in Judgement

Now, I am not pointing my finger at that Coach Reid. I am not qualified to judge any person. But, he seemed like such a man of principle, so I do wonder if he might be regretting some of the time he has not spent with his children as he looks back today. His two boys may have made terrible decisions even if Andy had spent more time with them, but he will never know. Time might not have helped to avoid the mess that they find themselves in today but then again it just might. Perhaps in one of those hours he spent away from his children he might have been able to offer an idea about making that critical decision.

Strong Fathers

I have watched the job of being one of the key figures in the NFL pull many fathers away from their children. I have also watched other men stand up to that pressure by demanding the right to take time for their children. I have closely watched our son balance the role of being a father with the rigors and time commitments of the demanding role of an NFL quarterback. I have watched him stand up to the demands and say, “there are some times that this job comes in a distant second in my life. My Family comes first.” The NFL often does not seem to like to hear that, but in the role of Father, many men need to make that statement!

Being a Father requires time. It cannot be divided time. It must be time spent with their children on a daily basis. With huge pressures being exerted by big jobs, it is the strong man who can stand up and say, “This is my time with my family!”

There was a day at a Dallas Cowboys game a year ago when the game was over and our son Drew had left the locker room to come meet his family up in one of the booths at Texas Stadium. That was time he gave to his children after every game. Right in the middle of the most demanding hours of his job, he would always come up, get his kids and then go down to the field and throw passes to his own children on the game field. This was his time, on every game day, for him to spend with his children right in the midst of the crush of the NFL demands. I watched as some fans pushed their way into the booth, pushed his children out of the way, and crowded around Drew demanding autographs. I was amazed at how calmly Drew asked those people to leave and respect his time with his own children. He was not rude, but he very carefully pulled his children around him and asked the fans politely to leave and let him spend time with his own children. I watched as the fans became angry and called our son some unflattering names, but I also watched as he unwaveringly stood his ground on behalf of his children. I watched as his children’s eyes looked up at their strong father. I heard them as they laughed with their Dad as they ran to catch passes from him moments later down on the field. Their Dad was spending time with his kids! It is not too hard to understand why he is able to teach his children at other times. He has earned their respect with his time!

I would also be willing to bet that Tony Dungy, the Super Bowl winning coach of the Colts, would gladly give back some of his time spent at the office, if it would bring his son back! Tony Dungy seems to be a great man. Hisson seemed to have some problems that transcended his father's involvement with him. Again, I cannot say whether more time would have changed the outcome for Caoch dungy and his son, but we will never know!

I think it was admirable that Coach Dungy did not bring his team to Miami for Super Bowl until Monday, saying that he felt his team needed to be with their families on Sunday. He seems to realize thevalue of family time. He showed great courage in the face of the great pressure of the “Biggest Game of the Year”. I just wish that more Fathers would take those kinds of stands on behalf of their children.

Juggling Demands

As a Dad it may be difficult to juggle the demands of a job with the responsibilities of being a Father. That is why our Parenting with Dignity program spends two full hours of our nine week course on the topic of “Deciding what You Want”! The decision to spend time with your children must be made well ahead of time, or you can find yourself in the difficult situation of spending too much time away from your children almost by accident!

Time Requires a Commitment

Armed with a firm commitment that you will spend time with your children, the decision becomes quite easy. Just remember that the ideas in your head will rule your world! Pick the idea that “I spend lots of time with my children” and the decision becomes easy. You already made the decision when you chose that idea to rule your world!

February 09, 2007

Michigan Fatherhood Coalition 5th Annual Fatherhood Conference

An Uplifting Experience

On Tuesday the 6th of February I was privileged to attend the 5th Annual Fatherhood Conference for the State of Michigan put on by the Michigan Fatherhood Coalition in conjunction with the Michigan Head Start Association and let me tell you that there were some things that took place there that the rest of the America could learn from!

Overcoming the Obstacles with Dedication and Preparation

First of all, the conference took place on a date that saw most of the Detroit area schools closed because of the extremely cold (-20) temperatures and yet the room was completely full of people who came seeking to make Fathers a more significant part of families all across Michigan! The fact that so many people braved the weather to attend the conference in itself was quite amazing because it showed the depth of the commitment of the people of Michigan. This conference was also a testament to the Head Start Communications and Meeting Coordinator, Jennifer Nottingham, and her extremely well planned and promoted conference!

People from All Over Michigan

Next, the conference brought together people from all over the state of Michigan as was evidenced when they began to give out some awards and do some drawings for door prizes… the most heated interchange came when they were attempting to give away some money for lunch to the participant who traveled the longest distance to attend to attend the conference. It became obvious that MANY of the attendants came from long distances to get to the conference! This wonderful and extremely educational conference truly was a meeting that reached out to people from all parts of the state and not just the Detroit Area, where the conference was held.

Men!

The next thing that hit me was the ratio of men to women at the conference. It would be my rough estimate that there were three times as many men at the conference as there were women! “Now, what is odd about this?” you might ask. Since the conference was called a “Fathering Conference”, why is it odd to have men there? Well, I have some experience with conferences of this nature and it has been my experience that often the conferences held on Fatherhood are often populated by female workers who are trying to get men involved.

OBVIOUSLY, the State of Michigan has already reached the fathers! Yes, there many female Head Start Counselors and Social Workers in attendance, as well they should be, but it was so gratifying to see that those Head Start Workers, regardless of gender, had already reached so many fathers and had included them in the conference.

A few years ago I attended the New York State Child Abuse Conference and there was not one person out of the eight hundred in attendance, who had any history of child abuse! The conference was attended only by the people attempting to solve the problem and that struck me as odd. Should the conference not attract at least some of the people that they were attempting to reach?

An Impressive Conference

Suffice it to say that I was impressed that the Fatherhood Conference had attracted many fathers and it was my impression that those men in attendance were learning the tools that they needed to become leaders and activists on their own behalf!

Michigan Fatherhood Coalition

Next, and along the same line of reasoning, the Co-Sponsor of the Conference was a group called Michigan Fatherhood Coalition. Now, let me tell you, that group was unique in my experience. I don’t know any way to say this other that to just share my personal experience as I travel and meet people from all parts of America. Unfortunately, it has been my personal experience that most of the fathering groups that I have come in contact with have had some kind of a chip on their shoulder.

Many of the fathering groups that I have come in contact with, have had as their goal a change in the child custody laws of America. This change may need to to take place and many of the agencies have some very good, and sound reasons for seeking those changes, but the Michigan Fatherhood Coalition seemed so different to me. As I met the men at this conference it seemed that they were there simply to learn how to become better fathers!

It became even more obvious to me what the Michigan Fatherhood Coalition was all about when I met with a group of their Board of Directors and members following the conference. While they too might see the need for some changes in father’s rights in custody cases, that was certainly not their main focus! These men have formed their Coalition for the purpose of reestablishing the role of the strong father in the American home! Man, was that exciting for me to see! Strong men standing up and saying that they want to be leaders in teaching all fathers how to be strong leaders for their children! WOW!

A Learning Experience!

I was invited to attend the conference as a keynote speaker... and I left feeling like I had learned a great deal from a bunch of strong men! I had come in contact with a bunch of strong fathers building positive change for the children of Michigan.

I left with an overwhelming observation… “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every state in the country had a Fatherhood Coalition of strong dads, just like Michigan, who were working to bring strong fathers back into every home in America?”

January 26, 2007

The Greatest Teacher I Have Ever Known

My Best Friend

My best friend for thirty-two years was an amazing man by the name of John Matau. He was a teacher!

When I first met him I was on my visit to Kittitas High School to interview for my first full time teaching job. His room was right next to the Principal’s Office and while I was doing my interview, I could hear the laughter of students through the cinder-block walls that separated the office from John’s classroom.

After my interview, I walked to the door of that classroom and peeked in to see what all the laughter was about. The guy in front of the room was playing some kind of a game with his students and it was obvious that everyone in the room was engaged in what was going on. It was near to the lunch hour and the principal had invited me to stay for lunch. I decided to stay and vowed to try to meet this teacher who was having so much fun with the kids.

Learning Can Be Fun

Well, I did not have to wait long to meet the fellow… he walked out of his room when the bell rang, came over and introduced himself to me and invited me to go to the cafeteria to eat lunch. He said it was a bit of a walk but it would be worth it because the menu was for hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes that day. He said the cooks did a wonderful job with this lunch, and they always made fresh bread so it would be a great meal!

The cafeteria and lunchroom were in the grade school, and when we arrived there was a long line of students waiting for lunch. I showed him the ticket the principal had given me and mentioned that he told me that teachers and guests could eat without waiting in line. John’s response was simply, “Would never do it!” So… we went to the end of the line and waited our turn to eat with all of the students.

When I arrived home that afternoon I told my wife I had met the most amazing fellow at my job interview. He seemed to be a truly unique teacher! I told her that if I was lucky enough to get that job, I was going to get to know this guy and try to figure out why his classroom seemed to be so much fun! I told my wife that he just might be my best friend that I had not yet met! Little did I know the meaning of those words?

John rapidly became my best friend. I, too, became his best friend and we remained as such for thirty-two years. I guess he is still my best friend, we just don’t get to spend much time together since he died of cancer almost four years ago.

The Best Teacher

I want to tell you why I call John Matau the best teacher that I have ever known. John believed that education should be fun for all kids, not just for the most talented or gifted. He had run away from home at twelve and he told me simply he always tried to make his class into a place for kids like himself! He wanted the wild and unruly kids to have a place to learn too. I found that the “normally-good” students liked his classes because he made learning fun for them too.

John and I taught and coached together for four years there at Kittitas. I learned from that guy every day. John taught me that there was a place for every boy on a team so we invited every boy to be involved with our team in some way. We all learned the position of manager or equipment guy as is essential to the success of the game of football as are the players.

After four years together went our separate ways and taught and coached in different communities. John returned to the town of Elma, where he had graduated from high school, and I accepted an opportunity to try coaching at the college level… but our friendship seemed to grow with the physical distance. We shared our many experiences with kids and I continued to learn from John at every turn. I think he learned from me too and most of all we learned together. We loved kids and we were both proud to call ourselves teachers. Most of all, we, together realized what an awesome responsibility it was to be called “Teacher” or “Coach” by one of our students.

I watched John teach at every opportunity. I learned that while teachers must never cross the line and become buddies with their students, they could earn a special place among students by never considering themselves superior to them. I always ate school lunch in the cafeteria like John did and I always waited in line with the kids, even though every school I worked in offered teachers a separate line where they were served ahead of the kids. I always wrote my telephone number on the board the first day of school so that if any of my students wanted or needed some kind of help, I could be easily reached.

Now to get to the meat of this story… John and I got to teach and coach in the same district again down in Walla Walla, Washington. In my last year of teaching in that great school district, John told me that he had harbored a dream for years of building a school that was dedicated to his beliefs about teaching! Charter Schools had just become a new possibility and the concept of building a different kind of school got John to thinking.

The Courage to Try Something New

He went to the Administration and asked permission to build a school there in Walla Walla. By this time John had become Vice Principal at the local high school and he was becoming disillusioned by the common practice of letting kids drop out of school. He was even more alarmed at the practice of kicking kids out of school for attendance and behavior problems. When John talked about these kids being out on the street with no education, I always watched his eyes fill with tears.

As I saw his tears, I would reflect back upon his statement at Kittitas, when he told me he wanted his classroom to be a place for kids like himself; the wild and unruly. However, we had talked so often about how we wished the world could be different, that I just thought this dream of building a new kind of school was another bit of wishful thinking on John’s part.

I was so amazed when John Matau actually received permission to build his own school. I will not go through all of the red tape and hoops he jumped through to build his school, however I will share with you how his school was able to succeed with kids that the formal educational system had failed.

Why His School Worked!

First, John named this school The Opportunity Program, simply because that was what it was… an opportunity to succeed for kids who had never been given a chance!

To build his school, the district simply said that he could not recruit students from the traditional high school or middle school, and he could not recruit his students from the already existing alternative school. He could only recruit students off of the streets who were not in school. Also, he was told that his funding would come from the exact formula that governed the rest of the schools in the district. He would only get funding based upon the number of FTE’s (Full time Equivalent Students) that he had in attendance at his school.

John based his school on a couple of basic ideas. 1. The bar would be lowered for no one! Excellence would be the standard. However, he also said that 2. This school would be built and run for the convenience of the students rather than the convenience of the adults running it!

The Opportunity Program opened at 6:00 A.M. and did not close until midnight. Teachers came and went to meet with the schedules created by the students. (I know, I was a doubter too until I saw this school operate!)
He Treated Students with Respect and Dignity!

Now here is where John really broke with convention… when a potential student was located and came for a visit to see what this school was like, they were immediately escorted in to meet with John, the principal of the school. John would then take the potential student into his office to a huge calendar on his wall and he would ask the student to tell him what time would be most convenient for them to have their entrance interview. He would point to the calendar and say, “You tell me what day works best for you and you tell me what time of day or night works best for you and I will be here. However, you must pick a time when you are willing to give me two hours of your time! I will make time for you but you must give me two hours of your time.”

Once the date was scheduled, John would give the potential student one of his business cards with the selected time for the meeting written on the back, and tell the young person that if something came up he would like a call, in advance, to let him know that there needed to be a change in the time of the appointment. He also offered that if the student needed a ride to the appointment, they could just call that number and he would gladly provide transportation.
Be Your Best You

The only requirement he made of the student was that on the day of the appointment he expected all prospective students, “to show up here on time, and bring your best YOU! That means that you do not have to show up looking or dressing like me. You do not need to conform to my standards but you must conform to the highest standards that you set for yourself!”

The original Opportunity Program was in rented space in the basement of a house owned by a neighborhood church. In one year John’s school had so outgrown that space that the Opportunity Program moved into a vacant building that had once been a super market.

When a student would come for the entrance appointment they would find John, the Principal of their new school, waiting out on the sidewalk or in the parking lot to meet them. John was always dressed very professionally in a suit and tie for these occasions and he would run to meet the kid with his hand outstretched for a handshake. John would always call the student by name and tell him/her how glad he was to see her/him.
Treat Them Like They Are Special...
and They Will Act Like They Are Special!

Next they would go into the school where John would take the kid on a tour of the facilities. The student would be introduced as if he/she were being interviewed for a CEO position in a Fortune 500 Corporation! John’s introductions consisted of stating the name of the teacher or staff member and then telling the staff member all about the new student. (Are you noticing a different emphasis already? We can tell kids that they are important but our actions speak much louder than our words ever could.)

Then John would escort the student into his office where he would offer a cup of coffee, a glass of juice, or a cookie. He would offer the student one of the comfortable chairs in his office and he would sit in another chair just like the student’s chair. (Are you beginning to see a trend of treating the student as an important person?)

John would then pick up a clipboard and a pen and the interview would begin. John would ask the student first to list for him any Personal Goals that she/he might have. Many students were caught off guard by this manner of questioning and most had really never thought much about personal goals. If the student seemed to be stumped, John would produce a big sheet with some of the personal goals that had been submitted by other students. Honesty, integrity, laughter, self-worth, a family, and so on. This sheet ran the gamut from wanting a good job to wishing to be a rock musician.

After writing down any of these goals the student had offered or picked, John would tell the student that he would type this list of goals for the student to have for permanent records and that he would always have a copy of the goals in the student’s personal folder there in his office.

Next, John would turn the questioning to the student’s Professional (or Career) Goals. He would ask the student where they saw themselves in ten, twenty, or thirty years. What job would you like to have? How much money would you like to make? What kind of a house would you like to live in? Just like with the personal goals, if the student seemed stumped, John would offer a big sheet of possibilities. Once the potential student had selected some professional goals John said the same about these. He would type up a copy of them, give a copy to the student, and keep a copy of them in the student’s permanent file. He also pointed out that these were the exclusive property of each student and that they could and would be changed at any time that the student wished!

Then John would then turn the conversation to Educational Goals. “What would you like to get from your education?” he would ask. Most of the time this question would really throw the interviewee for a loop. Most of these kids had never thought much about what they personally wanted from an education. When prompted with a list of some ideas many students would open up and admit that they really could not read very well and they would like to learn to read! Others were very specific in simply wanting a diploma. A few would even own up to having a dream of someday attending college. John wrote them all down with the same promise to type them and have them available to the student at any time, simply to look at, to change, add to, or modify!

While the student was in the beginning of the interview John would take a picture of the prospective student with his digital camera. While the interview was being conducted, one of the Opportunity Staff would take the picture, blow it up and make a poster of it. Under the picture would be typed the student’s name. Below the student’s name would be placed one of each of their sets of goals: a Personal Goal, a Career Goal, and a Professional Goal.

By the time that the interview was over the poster would be placed on the "Wall of Fame" next to all of the other students in the Opportunity Program, with the promise that it would remain there until the student asked to have it removed.

Now do you see why I say that John was the best teacher I ever met? When I would visit his school and talk with his students I would always ask them why they were succeeding in this school when they had failed in other schools and they would always answer with a few common answers; “This is the first school where they asked me what I wanted!” or “This is the first school where anyone actually cared enough to know my name!” or “This is the first school where I have been treated with respect for who I am.” or “I can still work to support my baby and also go to school here.”
A Demand for Excellence!

Now go back for a moment and reflect upon something that I said earlier about John’s premise for the school. “We will lower the bar for nobody!” He set up a school that honored and recognized every student and their different needs and different goals. His school saw each student as important and unique yet his school demanded the same level of excellence that the traditional school did! Often his school’s standards were even higher! And he was getting this excellence from students who had never before succeeded in school. What was the difference? Very simply, he had done as he said he would; this school was built for the convenience of the students! This school treated its' students as if they were capable of excellence and the students rose to match those expectations!

A number of times the Opportunity Program was challenged by the traditional educational community because many doubted that the Opportunity Program could be achieving the excellence they were reporting. I was there one day when a few members from the high school were there challenging John on how he could be awarding full credit for a course offered at the traditional high school. John simply replied, “I don’t know, but we are using your curriculum guide, your Student Learning Objectives, and your tests. If you would like to review any of our student’s work we operate on the “portfolio method” of evaluation here. So, if you would like, we can pull out the work of any student taking a course you feel is not being properly taught or evaluated and you could show us where we are falling short. As a matter of fact, one of our biggest tasks is evaluating our students’ work, so if you feel that our standards are not high enough, we would welcome having any of you come and help us to evaluate our students’ work!”

It is amazing to note that in every year John ran that school, they had a minimum of 95 students who had been cast aside as unfit for school by our traditional school system, but who were now working in pursuit of high school diplomas. As a result of John’s demand, all of his graduates walked across the stage along with students who had attended the traditional high school and received the real High School Diplomas they had earned from the Walla Walla School District.

Great teachers meet every student where they are and take them as far as they can go. Sometimes those teachers reach beyond what has always been done to meet the needs of their students.

John was forced to retire by his bout with cancer. Almost four years after his death, the Opportunity Program still is a living monument to the dedication of the best teacher I have ever been privileged to know.




January 09, 2007

A Lesson about Love

Kids in Gangs are Screaming That They Need Love!

When I got to Eisenhower High School in Yakima, Washington, for my first day on the job as an English teacher, I received a real education about the complicated issue of dealing with Gangs and it was pretty graphic. On that first day on the job we met with all of the staff at the school; the kids were not due until the next day. What took place on that day was that we divided all of the employees who worked in the building into two large groups and went into two of the largest rooms in the school to discuss a couple of key problems we would be facing in the upcoming year.

I was new to the school, so I was very hesitant to enter this discussion. I felt it best to just sit back and listen to get a feel for my new faculty and this school that was new to me. The group school employees that I was in was to discuss what we as a staff were going to do about the “gang problem” that we would most surely face in the upcoming year. You see I quickly learned that the federal government had come to the Yakima School District and informed us that we could not continue to operate a school district with two high schools of such differing racial make up. Davis High School had something like 68% “Minority” students while Eisenhower had only about 5% “Minority” students. Both schools were under the authority of one school board, and we were given the edict to integrate the two schools or else the district would face federal intervention or loss of funding.

Integration

This meant that Eisenhower was going to have to welcome many more of the Mexican population into our school because we had to. The plan was to integrate the two schools by using active recruiting and what are known as “Magnet Programs” that draw kids to schools by presenting opportunities. Beginning this year, Eisenhower was going to offer a whole bunch of new classes in English as a Second Language to draw the Mexican student population to our school.

It worked!

(I must say here that the Yakima School District was amazingly successful in this endeavor and has built a very equal distribution of students from all ethnic groups in both of the high schools and they did it with some amazing leaders like Dr. Steve Mitchell who was principal of Eisenhower for four of the years of this wonderful time of peaceful integration of the two schools.)

I was sitting in the room with half of the faculty and we were to discuss how we could be proactive in denying gang activity among our student body. This very discussion was rooted in some rather irrational fears with their origin in the fact that in the town of Yakima there is a very small portion of the Mexican population who control the Cocaine and Marijuana traffic for most of the entire northwest region of the country. This drug traffic is controlled by a few very strong and violent Mexican gangs and the rest of the Mexican population suffers from the extreme misconception that Mexican kids are gangsters. This was a fact that we soon began to see as false as the kids came to our school.

What Should Our School Do about Gangs?

Well, our discussion began with a question, “What should we do to prevent gangs at Eisenhower High School?”

One of the first comments was, “We have to take a strong stand on gang dress. We must ban gang dress at Eisenhower!”

I found myself agreeing with that statement, initially, because I didn’t much like gang dress and thus I was opposed to allowing it at the school.
Then, my eyes were opened by the next statement from one of our fine counseling staff who said, “Well, if we are going to be fair and equitable about gang dress we must own up to the fact that one of the most violent gangs in Yakima are the Cowboys! If we outlaw saggy-baggy, kahki, Dikie pants and certain colors of t-shirts as gang dress then we better outlaw cowboy boots, Wrangler jeans, big belts with big silver buckles, vests and cowboy hats!”

(Again, a little explanation is necessary here. A common activity on Friday and Saturday nights in the area surrounding Yakima was for groups of kids known as the Cowboys to get together in groups in pickup trucks, arm themselves with baseball bats and clubs and go out cruising in the orchards surrounding Yakima. Any time they would come upon lone Mexicans they would stop and beat the lone person, or at least threaten to, in order to steal their money. You see many of the orchard workers are Illegal Aliens and many are paid under the table in cash because of their illegal status. This creates a dangerous circumstance for them in that many have large amounts of cash on their person since they cannot put their money in the banking system and they also cannot complain about being robbed to the Police because it will result in being discovered as being illegally in this country.)

Our Biggest Gang

The “Cowboys” had evolved as a pretty violent group, and in reality, were probably responsible for as much violence as the Drug gangs but were maybe not recognized as being as tightly organized or as dangerous because they wore clothing more acceptable to adults.

Now here I was, sitting in the room with the school employees, and I was listening to this discussion rather differently because I was wearing the gang dress of the cowboys. Almost all of my life I have worn cowboy boots and Wrangler jeans. I wear one of three big cowboy buckles that I own and I wear western shirts. All of a sudden banning gang dress meant something rather different to me.

Suddenly, I really began to empathize with the “gang kids”. I asked myself some interesting questions. “How would I feel if I could not dress like me at school?”

For the first time in my life, I realized, firsthand, what it was like to be told that the way I dress is not acceptable at my school. I would feel like I cannot be me. I realized that I dress with a sense of pride and identification and the kids we are dictating to do also. I realized that much of the way I dress is almost exactly like the way that those kids dress. I wear things that I have picked out because they are like my dad and Buck Minor, two of my heroes. The buckles that I wear all have great significance to me and identify me with my family. The kids are doing the same thing.

Then I thought about a dress code that would deny me from wearing the clothes that I had on and realized that I really did not have other clothes to wear. I would have to go out and get some new clothes. I could imagine that and knew that if I had to I could afford it but realized that was not the case for the kids I taught. Most of them did not come from backgrounds where there was enough money to buy a new set of clothes. If we told them that they could not come to school in the clothes they were wearing most would have to choose between coming to school in their underwear or not coming at all.

All Kids Want To Be Loved

Boy was this experience eye opening to me. It forced me to really think about gangs and what was the real problem with gangs. The problem was not the clothes and changing the clothes would not change the critical behavior of gangs at all. The problem with gangs was the illegal behavior of drugs, violence, coercion, and intimidation that they are involved in. It even occurred to me that a dress code seemed to be using gang tactics ourselves; we were just requiring different clothes!

Then I realized that I was a leader of one of the biggest “gangs” in the school, the football team. We had our “gang dress” that we put on every Friday night. Then we would go to neighboring town to try to whip up on their “gangs.” We even had our dress that we wore to school in the form of t-shirts and letter jackets. On game days we even dictated that every member of our “gang” had to wear their game jersey to school!

Gangs For Excellence

It all of a sudden occurred to me that it might be exciting if we could get those gangs to exist for excellence rather than drugs, violence, coercion, and intimidation. What if we could get gangs to stand for drug free living like our football team? What if there were standards for minimum grades that had to be maintained for the kids to join the gangs?

I would never have been able to understand those kids had I not known the language of love. If I had never experienced compassion, empathy, respect, or love, I would never have understood the motivation for the behavior of many of the kids I taught! Understanding them allowed me to teach many kids that I would never have been able to reach otherwise.

Simply put, we must teach our children the language of love by speaking it to them!

How do we do that? By remembering this: Kids spell "love" T-I-M-E!