Is It Ever Too Late to Become an Effective Parent?

An Extremely Common Question

Today’s topic is a question that comes to us almost daily, so I will offer an article on the subject. Here is one version of the common question that I received just yesterday:
“Many parents with preteens and teens are just now getting this information on how to parent effectively. For those of us having significant problems with an older child, is it too late to start with some new parenting skills?”

An Answer to a Great Question!

This is a real dilemma for many parents who go through the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum at a time when their children are a little older. Many parents who were raised by very controlling or ineffective parents, have only their parents as a model for raising their own children. So... they have futilely tried to control their child’s every action or immitate their parents ineffewctive strategies. Then, after experiencing some difficulties, they attend the first class and hear the common sense advice given to us by Dr. Cobb as he was delivering our first son. Dr. Cobb’s advice was to view the life of a child as a mortgage being paid off a day at a time. He advised us to look at our son at age nine as a half owner of his own life who must then be making half of his own big decisions!
That analogy makes real sense to these newly aware parents and throws them into a dilemma in raising their own child. They now have a child who is 8, 11, 13, or even as old as 17 or 18, and they suddenly realize that they have really not taught this child how to make decisions, especially not big ones. At this point they come to us wondering how, at this late date, they should go about the process of giving the child skills for making decisions for themselves.

It Is Never Too Late!

I always love receiving these insightful questions because it tells me that the parents are really internalizing and attempting to use the advice we are offering.

The Past Cannot Be Changed!

For me the answer to this question is usually pretty simple… “You can never change the past! Try as you might, you can never go back and undo any past actions! The only logical answer is to “draw a line in the dirt” that indicates an end to your prior parenting practices which may have been only to crisis manage rather than to teach! Start today and apply the parenting tools you have learned from this class with your child from this moment forward.”
“If you have made mistakes with your children in the past and you feel that you need to apologize, then do it! But… once you have apologized, stop looking backwards! Focus only on the teaching you will do today and on into the future!”
Then I try to empower these newly enlightened parents to start making some intelligent decisions for themselves! “You know your children better than anyone. You love them like nobody else could. Only you can answer the question of the best strategy at this point. Ask yourself if your child is mature enough to begin to learn right along with you as you begin your new and more effective methods of Parenting with Dignity!

Start Gradually!

Certainly it does not make sense to suddenly dump a whole bunch of decisions upon a child who has never been taught how to make good decisions! You would never put someone who had never seen a car behind the wheel and send them out onto the freeway for their first experience behind the wheel. To effectively handle a car they will certainly need instruction and practice. However, if the child is older, it may not take as much time to teach them because they may have other similar experiences to draw upon in the process of learning to drive. The same is true for teaching children to make good, sound decisions!”

Start Today!

The key is to start TODAY! Start teaching now! Every day that you put it off makes the job more difficult. Start teaching your children to make great decisions immediately. Start with smaller decisions: What time shall I be home? How can I get my chores done in time to get to the game? How can I save for my new cell phone? Then work toward bigger and bigger ones: What will I do about becoming sexually active? How do I avoid using drugs? Because of your late start, you may need to accelerate the teaching process. But the fact that the process was started at a later date might make it possible to proceed at a faster pace.
Certainly, it much easier to teach the process of good decision making if parents start when their children are born and teach the skills as a gradual process, but that should never mean that parents who did not start early should feel guilty or discouraged. All that is necessary is to start immediately and teach, teach, teach!

The only time you fail with a child is the last time that you try! Keep trying!

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #6

DECISION MAKING -

"You have a choice to make; what are you going to do?"

Decision-making should be started as early as possible. "Which pair of socks do you want to wear?" “Do you want a red Popsicle or a green one?” “Do you want to play this game or that one?” “Which shirt do you want to wear, the red one or the blue one with the collar?”

Everyday Opportunities to Teach

Every day there are opportunities to give children decisions to make. Give them a chance. I am not talking about decisions that involve danger or decisions that can result in bad outcomes. Just give them everyday decisions.

A Tale of Two Families

The other day I watched two families getting on the airplane that I was riding. As I followed one family on board they had given their three-year-old the tickets and asked her to find their seats. The little girl could easily recognize the letters and numbers on the tickets. The Mom just showed her where the seat numbers were on the bottom of the overhead bins and asked the girl to find their seats.

A few moments later a family followed them into the plane with two teen-age children. In this case the overly controlling mother held the tickets and was rather rudely directing the children to their seats and was giving them no credit for being able to make any decisions.

It was not surprising to me to see that the first family was having no trouble with their children while the second family was having some pretty good arguments about who would sit where! The one family was letting their children get experience in making simple decisions and it was reaping rewards and the other mother was making all of the decisions and was having trouble with her children.

Now, I know that this was not a controlled study and there were lots of other variables at play but I feel quite certain that the dynamic of the parents giving decisions to the children played a part!

Give Your Children Opportunities to Choose

Give children decisions to make! If your children are older and you have not already made this one of your common tasks in your home start today. If you have young ones, start now. The key is to give your children the gift of allowing them to progressively make more and more critical decisions every day.

Learn from What Works!

We can learn by looking at how almost every person in America has learned to ride a bicycle. We have taught almost every single person in America to ride a bike! Probably, none of them learned how to ride a bike by listening to their parents talk about riding bikes or by watching their parents ride one. They learned when someone put them on the seat, put the handlebars in their hands and gave them a shove!

Now, most parents did not just shove the kid and let them just fall over. Most parents ran along side helping to steady the child. But the point is that children learn to ride bikes when someone lets them ride one!

Children Learn to Make Decisions by Making Them!

Children will learn to make good decisions when someone gives them some decisions to make. Just like teaching a child to ride a bike, we do not start with the most difficult decisions. We can start out with some simple decisions and build up to bigger and bigger decisions.

Start Small, then Build Toward Larger and Larger Decisions

Continually hand them bigger and bigger decisions to make. "Here's the map. Which route do you think we should we take?" Next time ask, "Now that you have picked the road to travel what time should we leave?"

Later, seek their advice on tough personnel issues you bring home from work. Spell out the situation and ask their opinion. You do not have to take their advice but the discussion tells them that they are important enough to be included! The simple fact that you asked will give the children a sense of their own value. They might have some great ideas too!

At another time, give them $50.00 and ask them to buy five days worth of groceries with it. Follow with bigger and bigger jobs and bigger and bigger decisions that go with them. Give them real decisions to make and live with their decisions.

Continually ask for their opinion about issues that surround you in life. You might be totally surprised at the great advice and point of view that your children bring to many a decision making process.

Learning by Doing

We learn to make good decisions by making them. It's the same example you heard earlier, "Put them back on the bike!" When they make a bad decision, don't punish them. Tell them you admire their courage for making the decision in the first place! Then ask, "What did you learn from that decision? What are you going to do the next time? How do you think that will work?"

Good Decisions often Come From the Experience of Bad Ones

Many of life’s great decisions come from learning from some earlier decisions that did not work out exactly as anticipated. Give your children the opportunity to make some decisions even if they may seem like bad decisions from time to time. They need the experience. They will learn from those bad decisions!

Then when they get to the big decisions in life they will not cower away from making a decision! Most likely they will make a great decision because they have experience in making decisions!

Obviously, we parents should not offer children decisions to make that might have them being hurt or damaged. That is our job, to protect our children and to act as an occasional filter to prevent a calamity. However, by giving them decisions to make that are easily within their experience and capability level, they will gradually learn… sooo… when the big decisions come along, the experience of other decisions will serve them well.

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #5

PRACTICALITY - "This job needs doing... by you."

One of the most hirable skills in today's world is the ability to see a job that needs doing, to be able to figure out a way to do it efficiently... and then TO DO IT.

Give your children the gift of this unique skill of identifying jobs that need doing and the ability to do those jobs cheerfully with little or no supervision! You can give this skill to your children by giving them jobs to do (simple at first) and then getting out of their way and letting them do the whole job, start to finish.

Start early. If your children are still just toddlers give them simple chores to do and then let them do them. Do not start out by saying, “My kids will not do work because they are lazy!” or anything like that. Hold high expectations for them to complete the jobs and then work beside them or near them so they can imitate your manner of working at a task to completion.

As a child I learned more about how to do a task by watching my father work than I did from any explanation he ever gave me. When he did give instructions they were far more ideas about my capability to work independently than they were about how to do the job. I remember when I was first given the job of raking hay on our ranch. On my first day on the job within the first few hours I had the tractor and rake stuck! I had the front wheels in a ditch and the hind wheels of the rake caught in a fence. When Dad came into the field to see what was keeping me from raking, I will never forget what he said to me.

A Lesson From Dad

He walked over to me and said, “Huh, I thought a little feller with your intelligence would have figured out how to get this tractor unstuck! In case you didn’t know it… you are the brains in this outfit! If this tractor had the smarts to run itself I would have left it out here to work by itself. The next time you are in a fix… THINK! You can figure out situations like this!”

Give Your Kids a Gift... "Think!"

Then he said, “Watch this!” He picked up an old fence post lying nearby and put it in the ditch behind the front wheels. Then he began to back the tractor up while shouting over the noise of the engine, “See how those wheels of the rake are dropping as the front wheels climb onto the post? The next time you are in a pickle use your head!”

I find myself doing that even today. My dad’s words echo in my head as I write this article. “THINK!” Dad gave me the amazing gift of believing in my ability to think and reason things out for myself. He knew how to fix the problem but what he wanted for me was for to be able to figure out how to solve the problem. Those are such different things! Teaching a child how to do something verses teaching a child how to figure out how to do something for themselves!

Let Jobs Be Self-Rewarding!

As your children complete a job, let the satisfaction of completing it be the payoff. It will not be necessary for you to offer lavish praise. A simple statement from you like, "Nicely done, you did that complete job without any help. Doesn't it feel great to do things on your own? It buys you a big bunch of respect and it buys lots of freedom to do things on your own because I do not feel the need to check up on you."

If your children are older and do not seem to be able to do any job on their own and also seem unwilling to do any job on their own, do not become discouraged! Just like them, you have a job to do. THINK! Reason out some ways YOU can start teaching this child how to figure out a way to do a job! You can do it. Your job may be a little tougher since the child is older, but start today. Every day you wait just means the job becomes more difficult!

Decision Making!

Following are some ideas to get you started. First off, with an older child, explain to them what you are trying to do. Tell them the truth! “I have waited too long to begin to show you the amazing abilities you have but I want to start today. I would like for you to organize your room today. I will be available to help you but I want you to organize your room so that it works for you.”

Just think about this from your child’s point of view. Imagine how different it will sound to the child. Rather than saying, “Your room is such a mess. I often wonder how you can stand to live in there!” Think about how your child will feel when you express your confidence in their ability to organize their room.

Ask your children to change or limit their behavior because you have the confidence in their abilities. It is practical and it is very wise to be a positive wizard in your child’s life by showing them how to use their own abilities!

"Reasons to Ask Kids to Limit or Adjust Their Behavior Part #1"

"The Darn Kids Are Just Doing the Wrong Thing!"

So often when people ask us for help with their children’s behavior they include the phrase “What if my children don’t…. ? (And then, the often, very distressed parents fill in the blank with a detailed description of what the child is doing that is wrong or is not doing, that the parents want the child to do.) It seems to me that so many parents have simply learned jump to the negative behavior and the artificial consequences of failure, before even considering the concept of structuring a situation that will predict success! In a nutshell, they seem to be more worried about reacting to what their kids have done wrong rather than working in a preventative process of teaching the desired behavior, before their children are in crisis.

A Seven-Part Series

In the following series of seven articles I will attempt help you, as a parent. to focus on giving your children some solid reasons to adjust their behavior in a positive manner before (and the real key is to try to start before trouble arises) any problems arise. In this series of articles I will simply be applying Rule Number One of our Five Rules for Parents from the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum.

Proven Techniques

As I go through these tried and true Parenting with Dignity Techniques techniques with you, please keep in mind that the only way to elicit permanent and positive change in the behavior of your children lies in changing the way that they think! “The ideas in their heads will rule their world!” These techniques will give you tools for presenting ideas to your children that will allow them to make wonderful decisions for themselves! As a parent you will be guiding your children in making great decisions for themselves. They will progressively become able to make good solid decisions with wonderful outcomes for themselves. Also, you will see that the decisions your children make, will lead your children to choose to act in appropriate and socially acceptable ways.

I believe that these techniques are really nothing but some pretty sound thinking skills! So here we go with the first of “Seven Reasons for Children to Adjust their Behavior”. (Please note that if your children use these seven decision making skills effectively, you will not ever have to even think about using punishment or consequences for inappropriate behavior... because there simply not be any!)

1. RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY - "Do what we are asking you to do because society says so in formal ways."

Start Early

Start at the earliest of ages teaching your children that a civilized world will always have rules and laws. Teach them that these rules and laws are not an annoyance; they are an aid to us all and especially to them. Rules and laws protect our freedom; they protect rights, privileges, property, and even our lives.

Explain to them the chaos that would result from a society without stop signs, property laws, and rights to privacy, opportunity, expression, and freedom from injury. (NOTE: it is almost impossible to teach respect for laws, and rules if your children watch you violate those same rules and laws! You cannot speed and then demand that your children drive the speed limit.)

Very Young Children

Now let’s talk a little bit about how you might start this process of teaching this respect for and appreciation of rules and laws to very young children. Riding in a car with little children always presents a great opportunity for teaching rules and laws. Also, the time spent riding in a car is often a time when small children become bored and frustrated. While driving with toddlers in their safety seats, make a habit of having them fill time by pointing out stop signs. Show them how well traffic works out for all, when everyone obeys come to a stop at a stop sign. Teach them to be on the lookout for red stop lights, yellow caution lights, and green go lights. As they get older and of an age to understand more complex rules and laws of the road, teach them what those laws and rules are and of most importance, teach them how those laws work to make roads more safe and efficient.

Older Children

The next step is much easier if you started on this process at an early age but still works even if you did not start early. As children begin to approach driving age, point out to them every time that you pass a police car how driving at the proper speed and obeying the law makes it a certainty that you will receive no tickets and that you will not be stopped by those police!

As children get older, begin to teach them about the laws of our nation, your state, and your local community. Teach them, early on, about the laws governing littering and show them both the wonderful benefits to all when people obey those laws and point out the mess that is made by just a few people who violate those laws.

As I answer questions from both adults and kids from all across America, what I find is that many parents do not even know or understand the laws that govern our country! It is not too difficult to understand why their children are unable to make good decisions about obeying the laws if the parents do not even understand those laws!

Make it a priority to help children understand what the laws are governing rowdy and obnoxious behavior. Find out the statutes in your community that spell out what can and cannot be done legally. Read the statutes aloud together as a fairly regular activity at dinners and while traveling. Let your children discuss with you possible situations and scenarios where they might be tempted to violate those laws and statutes. Discuss with them possible ways to make good decisions about obeying those laws and rules.

Help Your Children to Have the Necessary Information for Making Sound Decisions

Get copies of the city, county, state, and federal laws. Read them out loud with your children. Read the laws about illegal drugs. Read the laws about minor alcohol possession and consumption. Read aloud with them the consequences that society will, very predictably, hand down if they are caught in violation of those laws.

It never ceases to amaze me as I visit prisons and talk to inmates. Most of them did not understand the laws that they broke which resulted in their incarceration! Please do not let this happen to your children.

Give your children the information necessary for making good decisions about obeying rules and laws. Please do not wait until they have violated one of those laws for them to gain this understanding! Explain the laws governing private property and the respect of the private property of others. Let your children understand, from a very early age, that a law requiring them to respect the property of others insures that their private property will be likewise protected.

School Rules are Good Practice for Life

When your children reach school age, get copies of the school rules and point out to them that obeying these rules brings trust and respect back to them from everyone at school. Teach them that the children who obey the rules almost always receive special privileges and opportunities. Let them know that obeying the rules insures that they will have the maximum freedom to control their own behavior. Let them see that children who constantly break rules are constantly being given lots more supervision and have much many limitations on their freedom.

So many parents seem to want to wait until it is too late to give the instruction to their children about the laws governing drugs, alcohol, or dating behavior until their children are already involved in the temptations of those illegal and inappropriate behaviors. I guess that parents believe that many kids are “too young” for those discussions, and then they wind up with a child who is in trouble with the law, pregnant, or addicted to an illegal drug!

Start as early as you feel that your children are capable of understanding the terms that you are using.

Just recently in our community there were two teenage boys who were charged with rape for something that they thought was just innocent dating behavior! They are now facing charges for one of the most serious felonies in all of our society, simply because they did not understand that what they were doing was even illegal! They had seen the behavior in the movies and heard their friends talk about it as if was just a fun thing to do! But they did not know the law nor the legal consequences of breaking that law! And now those boys are facing a real possibility of going to prison.

Children can be led to make great decisions for themselves by having their parents simply insure that they understand laws and rules!