Help Your Children to be Effective at Studying (Part 2)

Time Management and Day Planning

"Time is the great equalizer of all mankind!" A rich man cannot buy more, a smart man cannot invent more and a fool cannot waste more… we are all given the same allotment of time each day; 24 hours! The people who learn to use their allotment of time wisely are the ones who get ahead.

A Good Book

Teach you children how to manage time effectively. There are some great books on the subject written by some of the world’s great thinkers. One of the best is Stephen Covey’s book titled “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. Get a copy and read it with your children. Covey lays out proven methods for effective managing time. You can give your children few greater gifts than the gift of effective time management.

Using Technology Wisely

In my last article on study habits I laid out a plan for using modern technology to take control of the television in your family. I laid out a plan so that you could effectively control the time that your family spends watching television. In this article I will suggest that you also use modern electronic technology in the process of teaching your children to manage time.

Computers are amazing tools for managing time… IF… they are effectively and purposefully used. Over 80% of American homes have computers and almost every computer has some kind of calendar/day planner program already on it. Teach your children how to use that program; teach how to enter assignments and upcoming deadlines on their computer calendar. Teach them how to set the program up to give warnings a week or two before big school projects are due so that they develop the habit of working on projects well ahead of deadlines.

Plan Activities and Events

Teach your children to put their activities and school events onto their calendar so that they can budget the time for those activities. I would also suggest that you have a “master calendar” on your computer for your whole family to use. That way the whole family can coordinate their activities, assignments, and duties effectively.

Next, I would advise parents to look into small handheld electronic day planners. They have lots of names like Palm Pilots and Pocket PCs, etc. Many cell phones have calendars and day planners built right into them. These devices sync with computer day planners and calendars so that your children can carry their schedule of assignments and activities right with them. My strong recommendation is to NOT run away from technology; rather, I strongly advise you to embrace technology and teach your children to use it effectively. They are born into the technological age. Teach them to live in that world and teach them to use the technology as effectively as possible.

Cell Phones

Cell phones are a real stumbling block for many parents. Kids want to have them and many parents balk at getting them for their children. I understand the hesitance of many parents in not wanting their children to have cell phones but to me the big issue is not whether children should have cell phones; the real issue seems to be teaching children to use the technology sanely, effectively, and ethically. Strict guidelines can be put in place and the technology of the cell phone can become a wonderful tool for teaching responsibility to your children.

Teach Responsibility and Appropriate Use

It is my observation that most people who use cell phones in today’s world could use some guidance and help in knowing when and where to use cell phones! Your children are growing up in a world where everyone is going to have cell phones. About the only way to prevent your children from eventually having a cell phone might be to move to some third world country where there simply is no such technology.

A wiser tack seems to be to teach your children how to use the technology effectively. Now, do not misinterpret me here. I am not saying that every parent should run right out and get their children a cell phone. However it might be reasonable to get one for all of your children to share. Then teach them to turn the thing off in most situations. Teach them to use the many other features of the phone like the day planner and the calendar.

Teach them the dangers in use of text messaging and e-mail. Guide them to observe safety in the use of cell phones by modeling for them that it is unsafe to use them while driving and rude to use them in public places. Let them watch you turn your phone off before entering public places like theaters and restaurants.

The bottom line here is that it is your responsibility as a parent to teach your children to live effectively in the world that they are growing up in. Teaching effective study habits ought to embrace that concept. Teach children to become effective and responsible students who manage heir time with a purpose.

Children "Disrespecting" Parents

Letter from a Concerned Father

Hi Mac,

I thinking of buying you DVD “Parenting with Dignity”, but I have an issue right now and I would like to get you advice if I may.

I have a 12 yrs old son that has a great talent with music especially with all kinds of drums, also, he is learning the guitar.

My son has been very disrespectful with mom and dad and we tolled him that if he continues disrespecting us we will take the guitar a way and the drums will come next.

Well he disrespect mom and we took the guitar away. Now I do not know if this is a good thing we as parents are doing. What do you think we should do and how should we resolve or approach it. We are going to talk this weekend and I would appreciate if I can get some advice so I can have a better solution to implement.

Signed,
Concerned Father

An Answer from Mac

Dear Father,

You are doing a wonderful thing in seeking advice and help with raising your son! Few parents have all of the answers when their children are born! The only way to get better at anything is to seek and ask for the help you need. Your son is lucky to have you for a dad. As long as you keep asking you will find the help you so desire.

Specific Help

Now for some specific help with your problem with your son:

Define Terms

You say he is “disrespecting his mother and father”. I have no idea what that means and imagine that your son does not either. The term “disrespect” is so overused in our society today that nobody really knows what it means… but people fight over that word daily. That term can mean anything from swearing to making faces or gestures. From your letter I have no idea what you mean. I doubt that your son knows what you mean either. If you wish to communicate with your son, you must be precise. Define the terms you are using for him.

Telling a Child What They Did Wrong is NO HELP!

And now we get to the real core issue, even if your definition is precise… that definition still is of no help to your son! It does not teach him one thing about the behavior that you want him to use!

Can you tell me what you want him TO DO? You tell me what he is doing wrong in very general terms like “being disrespectful”. But you say nothing to me about what it is that you want him to do. If you cannot tell me what you want him TO DO, I doubt that your son knows what you want him TO DO! The first thing that you and your wife must do is to sit down and define precisely what you want your son to do when he speaks to either of you. If you want him to speak differently to his mother that he speaks to you then you must explain those differences. Most important, you must explain to your son WHY he should choose to do as you are instructing.

Rule number #1 in our Parenting with Dignity curriculum states that “Parents must end any criticism with a positive statement of the expected behavior.” Put in very simple terms, “you must tell your child exactly what it is that you want him TO DO, in behavioral terms that he understands!” Tell him what you want! You have not told me what it is that you want your son to do so I will have a hard time structuring your actions.

Next, can you tell me what taking the guitar or drums away from your son will teach him about respect? What do guitars and drums have to do with respect? How do you propose that taking away something that he is good at will make him good at something else? I know that is a technique that many parents employ but just look at how well it is working for them.

Taking the drums away from your son does not help him to know what behaviors you want him to use. Only you can teach him that. About all that taking the drums away form him will do is make him mad and give him reason to not respect you. As long as he has you to blame he does not have to deal with his own behavior!

Let me put it this way… you contacted me for advice about how to deal with your son’s behavior. How well would it have worked if I just wrote back to you that I was going to take away your TV until you raised him correctly? …and that was all that I said to you.

How well would that work? Not very well, right? You are looking for instruction about what TO DO to elicit the proper behavior from your son. Telling you that what you are doing is wrong and then removing privileges does not teach you what to do. Are you getting the picture? You need specific instructions about the positive actions to take… and so does your son!

What your son needs is instruction in how you wish him to speak to his mother. That instruction must include very complete and detailed descriptions of the desired tone of voice and the desired word selection. Your son needs you to explain what body language and facial expressions he should use when speaking to his parents. About the only way that you can teach facial expression is to demonstrate to him exactly what you want him to look like when he speaks to the two you parents.

You should also explain how he should make his decisions about how he treats other people in general. Your son needs instruction about how to act. He needs to know that people who act and speak respectfully are treated in a much better manner by others than people who are surly and nasty. He does not need to have you withholding things from him that he does well. Just about all that will do for you is to build resentment in your son!

Once you have explained to him how it is that you expect him to act and speak when he talks to you then you must let your actions do your teaching! Once he has demonstrated to you that he understands how you expect him to act and speak to you, you must never, ever respond to any words he uses that are not expressed in precisely the expected manner. I hate to tell you this but you have taught him to talk in the manner that he does right now! If he speaks in a rude manner to his mother and it gets your attention and gets you to react ot him, that disrespectful manner of speaking has just worked for him. He has learned precisely how to control you! He can make you jump and shout by just talking in a rude manner to his mother! E will never know what he is trying to do by his current “disrespectful” behavior but we do not need to.

You must demonstrate to your son that people who speak in that manner are not listened to in your home. Do not tell him… show him! Let your actions speak. Disrespectful comments are simply ignored by you and his mother.

Then the inute that he speaks in the desired manner, give him your undivided and cheerful attention. Let your actions do the teaching.

If your son is at the dinner table and he starts to speak in a disrespectful (whatever you define that to be) manner, get up and leave the room. If he is in the living room and he does it again, turn off the TV and leave the room. If he asks you to do something in a disrespectful manner, just ignore him. Let your actions speak for you. As long as he insists in speaking in a manner other than the one that you have explained to him, let him see that all it gets for him is that others ignore everything that he says.

Keep your anger out of the equation. Do not get angry and do not lecture. Absolutely do not try to teach him during the time that he is acting in the undesired manner. If you feel that he is not understanding what you mean, wait until some time when he is calm and you are calm and explain to him again how you want him to act. Write it down and give it to him. Have him repeat back to you what you expect of him. Keep explaining it to him until he does as you have instructed.

"Reasons to Ask Kids to Limit or Adjust Their Behavior Part #1"

"The Darn Kids Are Just Doing the Wrong Thing!"

So often when people ask us for help with their children’s behavior they include the phrase “What if my children don’t…. ? (And then, the often, very distressed parents fill in the blank with a detailed description of what the child is doing that is wrong or is not doing, that the parents want the child to do.) It seems to me that so many parents have simply learned jump to the negative behavior and the artificial consequences of failure, before even considering the concept of structuring a situation that will predict success! In a nutshell, they seem to be more worried about reacting to what their kids have done wrong rather than working in a preventative process of teaching the desired behavior, before their children are in crisis.

A Seven-Part Series

In the following series of seven articles I will attempt help you, as a parent. to focus on giving your children some solid reasons to adjust their behavior in a positive manner before (and the real key is to try to start before trouble arises) any problems arise. In this series of articles I will simply be applying Rule Number One of our Five Rules for Parents from the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum.

Proven Techniques

As I go through these tried and true Parenting with Dignity Techniques techniques with you, please keep in mind that the only way to elicit permanent and positive change in the behavior of your children lies in changing the way that they think! “The ideas in their heads will rule their world!” These techniques will give you tools for presenting ideas to your children that will allow them to make wonderful decisions for themselves! As a parent you will be guiding your children in making great decisions for themselves. They will progressively become able to make good solid decisions with wonderful outcomes for themselves. Also, you will see that the decisions your children make, will lead your children to choose to act in appropriate and socially acceptable ways.

I believe that these techniques are really nothing but some pretty sound thinking skills! So here we go with the first of “Seven Reasons for Children to Adjust their Behavior”. (Please note that if your children use these seven decision making skills effectively, you will not ever have to even think about using punishment or consequences for inappropriate behavior... because there simply not be any!)

1. RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY - "Do what we are asking you to do because society says so in formal ways."

Start Early

Start at the earliest of ages teaching your children that a civilized world will always have rules and laws. Teach them that these rules and laws are not an annoyance; they are an aid to us all and especially to them. Rules and laws protect our freedom; they protect rights, privileges, property, and even our lives.

Explain to them the chaos that would result from a society without stop signs, property laws, and rights to privacy, opportunity, expression, and freedom from injury. (NOTE: it is almost impossible to teach respect for laws, and rules if your children watch you violate those same rules and laws! You cannot speed and then demand that your children drive the speed limit.)

Very Young Children

Now let’s talk a little bit about how you might start this process of teaching this respect for and appreciation of rules and laws to very young children. Riding in a car with little children always presents a great opportunity for teaching rules and laws. Also, the time spent riding in a car is often a time when small children become bored and frustrated. While driving with toddlers in their safety seats, make a habit of having them fill time by pointing out stop signs. Show them how well traffic works out for all, when everyone obeys come to a stop at a stop sign. Teach them to be on the lookout for red stop lights, yellow caution lights, and green go lights. As they get older and of an age to understand more complex rules and laws of the road, teach them what those laws and rules are and of most importance, teach them how those laws work to make roads more safe and efficient.

Older Children

The next step is much easier if you started on this process at an early age but still works even if you did not start early. As children begin to approach driving age, point out to them every time that you pass a police car how driving at the proper speed and obeying the law makes it a certainty that you will receive no tickets and that you will not be stopped by those police!

As children get older, begin to teach them about the laws of our nation, your state, and your local community. Teach them, early on, about the laws governing littering and show them both the wonderful benefits to all when people obey those laws and point out the mess that is made by just a few people who violate those laws.

As I answer questions from both adults and kids from all across America, what I find is that many parents do not even know or understand the laws that govern our country! It is not too difficult to understand why their children are unable to make good decisions about obeying the laws if the parents do not even understand those laws!

Make it a priority to help children understand what the laws are governing rowdy and obnoxious behavior. Find out the statutes in your community that spell out what can and cannot be done legally. Read the statutes aloud together as a fairly regular activity at dinners and while traveling. Let your children discuss with you possible situations and scenarios where they might be tempted to violate those laws and statutes. Discuss with them possible ways to make good decisions about obeying those laws and rules.

Help Your Children to Have the Necessary Information for Making Sound Decisions

Get copies of the city, county, state, and federal laws. Read them out loud with your children. Read the laws about illegal drugs. Read the laws about minor alcohol possession and consumption. Read aloud with them the consequences that society will, very predictably, hand down if they are caught in violation of those laws.

It never ceases to amaze me as I visit prisons and talk to inmates. Most of them did not understand the laws that they broke which resulted in their incarceration! Please do not let this happen to your children.

Give your children the information necessary for making good decisions about obeying rules and laws. Please do not wait until they have violated one of those laws for them to gain this understanding! Explain the laws governing private property and the respect of the private property of others. Let your children understand, from a very early age, that a law requiring them to respect the property of others insures that their private property will be likewise protected.

School Rules are Good Practice for Life

When your children reach school age, get copies of the school rules and point out to them that obeying these rules brings trust and respect back to them from everyone at school. Teach them that the children who obey the rules almost always receive special privileges and opportunities. Let them know that obeying the rules insures that they will have the maximum freedom to control their own behavior. Let them see that children who constantly break rules are constantly being given lots more supervision and have much many limitations on their freedom.

So many parents seem to want to wait until it is too late to give the instruction to their children about the laws governing drugs, alcohol, or dating behavior until their children are already involved in the temptations of those illegal and inappropriate behaviors. I guess that parents believe that many kids are “too young” for those discussions, and then they wind up with a child who is in trouble with the law, pregnant, or addicted to an illegal drug!

Start as early as you feel that your children are capable of understanding the terms that you are using.

Just recently in our community there were two teenage boys who were charged with rape for something that they thought was just innocent dating behavior! They are now facing charges for one of the most serious felonies in all of our society, simply because they did not understand that what they were doing was even illegal! They had seen the behavior in the movies and heard their friends talk about it as if was just a fun thing to do! But they did not know the law nor the legal consequences of breaking that law! And now those boys are facing a real possibility of going to prison.

Children can be led to make great decisions for themselves by having their parents simply insure that they understand laws and rules!