The Story of Parenting with Dignity

My inquiry of a couple of weeks ago surfaced some great questions that I will be answering over the next few days.

(I appologize for the recent lapse in writing but I am in the thick of writing my new book, Parenting Teens with Dignity. Look for it in the near future.)

How was the idea for Parenting with Dignity series born? What's the story behind it?

Over time, I found myself disillusioned by the culture in my classroom, and the increasing numbers of students who seemed to be morally and ethically rudderless. I was saddened to watch students making terrible decisions with life-altering and often life-ruining consequences. Born out of this frustration I wondered what would happen if my wife and I were to try teaching parents some of the simple techniques we used daily in our classrooms. Could we teach parents how to teach their values, morals, and ethics to their own children? We believed that if parents knew how to instruct their children in effective decision-making and how to set guidelines for making decisions, it could make a difference in our classrooms.

Profound Change

Permission was obtained from school principals and my wife Barbara and I held the first of what was to become a parent education curriculum that is now entitled Parenting with Dignity. Only a small group of parents attended that first class, but within weeks we began to notice a profound effect in our classrooms. Students were attending class more regularly, and someone at home had actually convinced them of the importance of doing homework! Noticeable changes in personal grooming and perceptible changes in the vocabulary of our students convinced us that we were onto something.

Parenting with Dignity Is Born!

Parenting with Dignity evolved into a nine-week course over the years as the program became more comprehensive and fine-tuned to today’s problems. We were teaching PWD at community colleges, hospitals and in PTAs of Northwestern States when our oldest son, Drew, approached us with an idea. Drew, a quarterback in the NFL at this time, explained that he wanted to build a foundation to support and promote our Parenting with Dignity program!

After considerable deliberation, I accepted the challenge and founded the Drew Bledsoe Foundation as a support mechanism to bring Parenting with Dignity to the entire nation. The rest is history. Parenting with Dignity now stands on its' own and is one of America’s most effective and highly acclaimed parent education curriculums.

For more information about Parenting with Dignity please go to:
http://parentingwithdignity.com

Sleep Deprived Students and ADD

There is a common practice in many, and probably most American homes that is causing significant problems for children. Many people are suggesting a common solution to this overwhelming problem… they are proposing to change our schools. That proposed change will be slow, and I believe that the solution is bypassing the real problem and the real solution. The solution to this pervasive problem lies in the homes of America.

The Problem

The problem that I am speaking of is that many American teens (and many younger children for that matter) are attending school severely sleep deprived. These children suffer lower grades, lack of attention, discipline problems, and other difficulties. Sometimes these sleep deprived children are even diagnosed with learning disabilities like ADD, ADD/ADHD and then given drugs that further compound the problem.

“Sleep deprivation may be undermining teen health! Lack of sufficient sleep--a rampant problem among teens--appears to put adolescents at risk for cognitive and emotional difficulties, poor school performance, accidents and psychopathology, research suggests.”
Cornell University psychologist James B. Maas, PhD, one of the nation's leading sleep experts.

Here is what I see happening. When children are very young, most parents require their children to go to bed quite early. At the time that most children start school a common bedtime would be 8:00 p.m. However as the child gets older the parents start allowing the children to stay up a little later. With each year of maturity, the bedtime gets later and later.

Missing the Forest for the Trees
Here is How the Problem Has Come About

There is one key cause of this problem that most people trying to solve it are missing… while the bedtime for children keeps getting progressively later as they grow older; the “get up time” stays the same. The outcome of this time dynamic is that kids are not getting enough sleep! Almost all doctors and pediatricians will very firmly tell anyone who asks that children going through puberty absolutely need at least 9.5 hours of sleep a night. Most will even say that 10 hours is optimum. (If you don’t believe me do a “Google Search” typing in the words “sleep deprived students” and do some reading.) I am sure that you will be as shocked as I was. We had observed this problem on our own when we were public school teachers, but now, there are hundreds of research studies backing up our observations.

I taught high school and middle school for 30 years and my wife, Barbara, taught middle school for 19 years and we taught in five different school districts and in every one of those school districts the school day started at or before 8:00 A.M. Now, after traveling the nation and visiting schools all across America, I know that 8:00 is a very typical start time. Just a little common sense tells me that in order to get to school by 8:00 a student who rides a bus must get up by at least 6:45. A little arithmetic says that a child who has gone to bed at 10:00 P.M. has only had 8 ¾ hours of sleep. A child who goes to bed at 11:00 is operating on 7 ¾ hours of sleep!

Common Bedtimes

One thing that we knew as teachers was that even 11:00 P.M. was a very common bedtime for our students. We also knew that many were up even past that time simply because of the conversations they had about the television shows that seemed to be their favorites! Our students were often fans of shows that ended at 11:00 and many talked about what they saw on the 11:00 news!

Any student who watched the 11:00 news and then arrived on time at school for an 8:00 A.M. class was operating on a daily sleep deprivation of two to three hours! And then we wondered why so many of our students had a hard time concentrating and focusing on their school work!

Changing the Schools Should NOT Be the Solution

Now, let me go back to my original statement about the proposed solutions to this extremely common problem; many people are proposing that we solve this sleep deprivation problem by starting school at a much later time; like 9:00 or even 10:00 A.M. This will be a meaningless change if the families do not enforce bedtimes that insure 9 ½ to 10 hours of sleep for their children every night . The change in sleep habits must take place in the homes!

"Barking Up the Wrong Tree"

It always bothered me when I was teaching school to find that the very first proposal for solutions to so many problems was to make changes in the schools. Drug awareness and drug prevention have been improperly dumped on the schools. Schools are being held responsible for so many things that should be handled in the home.

Proper sleep habits are not the domain of schools. Schools should have little or no input in how much sleep their students are getting. That is the domain of parents and families. Parents must assure that their own children are getting enough sleep!

Now, I have some concrete suggestion for taking control of the sleep time in your home. If you would like to hear some of these, just check back for my next article in this spot. Or, you can go to this link: ( http://www.whitefishradio.com/SITE/2007/PWD/school3.htm ) and listen to my proposal for taking control of time in your home and most importantly taking control of bedtime.

Bill Belichick, Cheating, Heroes, Role Models, and Teaching Children

What a Wonderful Opportunity to Teach!

Bill Belichick was caught red handed, cheating! There is no doubt about it. He was caught, has been fined and he even admitted it. The camera that was used illegally, was confiscated; along with the tape of what was being shot. Coach Belichick can stonewall questions all he wants, but he did what he was accused of.

The man knowingly broke the rules. Publicly he has tried to explain it away by saying that he did it under a "difference in interpretation" of the rules. That is even more despicable. Lying to cover cheating gives us all a double dose. Bill had even been warned about this very behavior last year and then, every team was informed of the rule gainst using video on the field in a memo from the commissioner again before the start of the season.

What Would Any Parent Do?

What would almost any self-respecting parent do if their child was caught breaking a rule after being warned TWICE to cease the rule-breaking activity? There would definitely need to be some moral and ethical teaching taking place. Some parents might resort to punishment. (But, to show how ineffective punishment is, just take a look at how the coach is reacting; the $500,000.00 fine has not changed his actions one bit, he still seems to indicate thathe was justified in cheating!) The important thing that any parent, wishing to make meaningful changes in the rule-breaking behavior, would need to do, is to do some serious teaching of morals, values, and ethics that should be used in making future decisions!

Role Model?

Right now I read so many writers and TV and radio commentators screaming about how terrible this is because Bill Belichick let so many people down who looked up to him as a role model. Well, therein lies the folly that I mentioned in a couple of recent articles on Heroes and Role Models a couple of weeks ago; parents must be very careful in guiding children how to select heroes and role models. Simple fame or success in some level of competition should never be allowed to be the sole criteria for picking role models! Bill is, without a doubt, a winning coach; but that does not make him a worthy role model for children.

Nobody is Worthless!

My grandfather was commonly repeating sayings that he felt expressed some truth about life. One that he repeated often was, “Nobody is worthless; anyone can serve as a bad example to someone!” Now, I believe that he often repeated that saying in a humorous manner but there is still some great truth in his saying. I believe that this saying applies in the case of Bill Belichick knowingly breaking NFL rules. While it is disappointing to see a grown man, who is held up by many as a great coach and role model; it is not necessarily a bad thing for parents whose children see his failure to live up to his lofty position or obligations. He can serve as an example of how much one risks when they betray trust and forfeit character.

What a Great Opportunity to Teach!

Bill Belichick’s terrible action should give any parent a great opportunity to teach their children a wonderful lesson in moral and ethical decision-making! Any parent who is attempting to teach their children to live in an orderly society of rules and laws and who is attempting to teach their children how to make decisions about right and wrong, now has a great example of what can happen when rules are broken to use in that teaching process.

Thanks to Bill Belichick, We Have a Great "Teaching Moment"

Thanks to Bill for giving parents a chance to graphically demonstrate to their children that all of the championships in this world really mean nothing if you compromise your character and forfeit trust in order to get them. Here is a man who might have gone down in history as one of the greatest coaching minds in the history of team sports. But, his terrible decision to break the rules and cheat will forever be his legacy. He compromised his character to attempt to gain a competitive advantage and now he will be forever known as a cheat.

LOSS OF TRUST is the Biggest Penalty!

"Of course," Bill said firmly when asked about the request from the Commissioner to turn over any additional notes, tapes, or materials that might have been used in a similar manner. What Bill may soon learn, and most importantly, what parents can teach their children is that once you are caught lying, few people will ever believe you again.

Trust is So Difficult to Earn and so Easy to Lose!

I will bet that when NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell heard Belichick's reply, he heard what the man said, but because of the recent betrayal of trust, he probably will do some intense research to confirm the truth of the coach's statement. I doubt that Goodell will no longer be willing to take Bill Belichick’s word on much of anything anymore.

Teach !

Parents, teach your children that the consequences of lying, cheating, and breaking the rules is not the punishment that society meets out; the punishment for lying, cheating, and breaking the rules is the loss of the trust of others!

Dealing with Bullying

A Letter from a Distressed Mom

Dear Mr. Bledsoe,

I am the parent of a 3.5 year-old girl. I have worked hard to teach her the behaviors I value like being kind to others, sharing, showing empathy, being truthful. Unfortunately, I am falling down when it comes to a couple of areas and it is painful for me to watch. What can I teach my daughter to do when people (children her age or older) don't want to play, call her names, push, take things from her? We live on a military base overseas and I see this behavior again and again.

I try to remove her from it, but I do not know if that is the right thing to do in the end (sometimes I get rather angry but am at a loss over how to properly react). I generally make sure she tells the other children she does not like that, stop and then I don't know what to do...unless the behavior continues, then we retreat.

My daughter is usually so upset by these interludes that she cries. But she gets over it pretty quickly, I am having problems letting go and I don't know how to talk to her about it. Also, she has recently started making up tales when she has conflicts with kids she is playing with...running to mom for the answer. I cannot let that go on, but do not know how to handle it, I want her to be able to come to me but not with fibs or half-truths.

I was bullied and isolated as a child and do not intend for her to repeat history. She is so socially oriented though that I feel bad that she do not have many playmates (I am rather choosy for her and want parents/children with similar values) and she always wants to go play with other kids, even when an outcome has been negative. I am placing her in part-day care three days a week and realize that at some point she will have to learn good ways to solve her problems with peers and still feel good about herself and her peers without being bullied or otherwise victimized.

I do not feel I can adequately help her do this...any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Clueless Mom

An Answer

Dear Mom,

Congratulations! You are more than half way to solving the problem with your daughter… because you recognize the problem and you are seeking help in finding a solution. That is usually the most difficult part of the battle. Please do not ever refer to yourself again as “Clueless Mom”, you are the farthest thing from being clueless… you are seeking answers and you will find them. Remember that the ideas in YOUR head will rule your world. Start this process by saying good things about youyrself!

Now for some help:

1. Remember that your daughter is only three and a half! It is wonderful that you are teaching such great values and behaviors to your daughter but remember you are teaching some very complex ideas to her. It will take time. It took you a lifetime to learn these same behaviors and by your own statements you are still learning. Keep teaching but just remember that it is going to take time!

My gosh, there are many people who reach old age who have never mastered empathy and sharing. Keep teaching. Do not assume that she has learned anything until she demonstrates her understanding by using what you have taught her but be reasonable. It will take time to teach much of what you are setting out to teach.

2. The next bit of advice that I am going to offer to you is a bit more complicated but, believe me, it will reap great rewards for you and your daughter if you accept what I am going to offer to you next. Stay with me on this and read to the end before rejecting or accepting the idea I am going to offer to you now. Start a parenting class. That is right, I said start a parenting class! It is easy to do if you use our proven method using the DVD Parenting with Dignity Curriculum ( http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/order/buy_dvd.htm ). On our website we lay out the entire plan for starting and running your class: (http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm ).

Now listen to the reasons that this will be a solution to your problems with your daughter. It is so much easier to teach your daughter concepts like compassion, empathy, respect, dignity, etc. if the children that your daughter plays with and goes to school with are taught similar concepts and behaviors! Please, do not get me wrong here, I am not suggesting that you start your class to point the finger of guilt at other people’s children or anything like that. What I am telling you is that teaching any concept to your child will be simpler if other children around her have been taught similar beliefs and actions! It is just that simple.

In order to start a Parenting with Dignity class, you do not need to be the teacher. For you, that is one great facet of our course; you do not have to be the teacher! The teacher is on the DVD’s. All you have to do is to get folks together to discuss the concepts presented in the course. You will find that the best thing you can do in your classes is to answer almost every question with the question, “I don’t know, what do the rest of you think?”

Now, think for a minute about your daughter’s situation in playing with other children. When she uses kindness, respect, dignity, empathy, and compassion with other children, the chances of her behavior being returned to her go up infinitely when the other children have been taught to recognize and exhibit similar behavior! It is really very simple.

Please consider this suggestion. If you are interested, please visit our website and take a look at the plan for starting a class. You will not have to do every one of the things suggested there but you will get lots of proven ideas that will help you to start a class. Believe me, you will learn right along with all of the others in the class that you start.

3. Next, I would suggest that you keep on teaching the sound values, morals, and ethics that you are teaching your daughter. Regardless of the surrounding behaviors she will grow to be able to make her own decisions about her own actions, independent of the other children’s sometimes, cruel and insensitive actions. Your daughter will affect change in many of those other children around her by her simple kind and empathetic actions. Teach your daughter to tell the other children what it is that she would like them to do. It is one thing for her to tell them what she does not like. It is an entirely different thing to teach her to explain some better actions to them.

Do not remove her from those situations unless you deem that she will be hurt, injured or damaged by what is happening. Start teaching her how to reasonably react to some of the cruel and insensitive actions of those other kids.

4. Use our Rule # 1 (http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/2-5rules.htm ) from our curriculum and make sure that you are very clear in your own mind what you expect your daughter to do in those situations and then teach those behaviors and actions to her. Remember that when teaching something like that to a young child, you are often best served by not trying to use words. Role play and demonstrate that desired actions to her. Have her practice with you where you role play the actions of the other children and your daughter uses the actions and concepts that you are teaching her.

5. Your daughter is still young but not too young for you to start teaching her how to choose friends for herself. ( Apply Rule #1 http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/2-5rules.htm ) It is fine that you are playing a major role in the process of choosing friends now, at age three and a half; but gradually she should be making more and more of those decisions.

Believe me she has better input that you do and she will soon be better able to choose her own friends for herself than you will! She is there with those kids when adults are not present. Often children learn that when the adults are not present they sometimes can behave very differently, and if your daughter is properly taught, she will know the true character of other children better than you do! If she is being taught how to evaluate character she will choose amazing friends.

Gradually let her choose her own friends and enter into discussions with her about how she is choosing them. Offer her some ideas about things that you look for in friends. Ask her to identify things that she looks for in friends. Gradually she will become a great “friend chooser!”

6. With regard to teaching your daughter to tell the truth, I would suggest to you that she must sense that you disapprove of some of the truths she tells you so she is manufacturing tales to tell you what she thinks you want to hear. She is seeking your approval and positive attention by telling tales. The key is to make sure that you send her daily messages of love (Rule 5 in Parenting with Dignity http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/5-6-Love_video.htm ) so that she does not feel that she needs to tell you anything to be loved. Your love should, in no way, be connected to anything that your daughter does. She needs to know that you love her in spite of everything else going on around her. Your love is not conditional and she needs to know that absolutely.

Certainly your daughter needs to learn to solve problems with her peers on her own. That being said, I wish to reiterate that the best thing you can do to help her to do that would be to start your own class with the parents in that child care agency. If you are not fully willing to meet and interact with the parents of the children that your daughter interacts with on a daily basis, then you must accept what their children do to and do with your daughter!

In closing just let me say that I am not counseling you to try to change the world to match your daughter’s mood swings, personality, or her little personal quirks. Nor am I attempting to say that you try to help her solve her problems by trying to change all of the outside world. You are 100% correct in teaching your daughter to live in the world that confronts her. I am just saying that you can, at the same time, be working to build a better world for all kids in your community by helping other parents to teach similar and wonderful values, morals, and ethics to their children just like you are teaching your daughter!

Teach your daughter to bloom where she is planted… but in addition, you can do some work in the garden too!

Good luck and please let me know if I can be of further assistance to you.

“Back When I Was a kid . . .”

Teaching Our Children with a Reasoned Approach

When we are making decisions about how we will be raising our children, we must eliminate from our minds some rather dysfunctional phrases. We simply must not allow ourselves to say things like: "Back when I was a kid..." and "If I had done that when I was a kid, my dad would have..." or "Back when we were in school they used to..."

There is an important distinction to make here. I am not saying that parents should not respect the past. Much can be learned from our past and much of our past experience can be very helpful to us in effectively raising our children.

That being said, as parents, we must never allow ourselves to fall into the trap of using "because it was done before," or "it has always been that way," or "that was the way my parents did it," as the sole justification for our actions with our kids.

Give Children Sound Reasons to Adjust Their Behavior

It is imperative that we have sound behavioral, moral, spiritual, ethical, or legal justifications for the actions we are teaching to, or demanding of our children. We must be able to explain to our young people why we are asking them to behave in a particular manner in a very logical way. In essence, we must not only decide: 1) WHAT it is that we want our kids to do, but we must also decide 2) WHY we want them to do it! "Because it was done to me," should never a good enough reason to repeat an action or expectation with our children.

Some History Should NOt Be Repeated

There have been a ton of mistakes made in the past and we are doomed to repeat them if we are not careful to think long and hard about the justification for duplicating those actions with our kids. Following are a couple examples to demonstrate what we are talking about.

Two historical events demonstrate the obvious problems with doing what has always been done before. Slavery was not only common but it was also legal in early America. We certainly would not advocate the continuation of that practice today simply because it was done before.

Neither would we teach our children that women should be second-class citizens in the United States even though they were not even legally recognized under the Constitution until the 19th Amendment was adopted in the early 20th century. Simply saying that women should not vote only because they never had in the past was a ludicrous idea.

Likewise, it is foolish for us to tell our children that they should wear certain types of clothing simply because that has been an appropriate style in the past. The same goes for hairstyles and many other standards and customs for behavior. Let's take look at establishing dress codes for kids.

Certainly, I am not proposing that parents abandon all standards of dress for young people! However, I am saying that we parents ought to make the standards logical and explainable in a reasoned sort of way and not just on the "If I had dressed that way my Dad would have killed me," sort of an explanation.

Parents ought to establish dress codes for their children... but “WHY do we have them?” should be the critical question. Nobody, in their right mind would say that we scrap any sense of awareness of how our children dress themselves. However, dressing in a certain way simply because a previous generation did is a rather silly code to impose upon our children (unless, of course, we would all like to go back and begin dressing like our forefathers who wrote that Constitution did, simply because "that's the way they used to do it in this country.") Hey, to put this in perspective, let's all get a few pictures of ourselves as teens and we can readily see that even we had some rather strange ways of dressing by today's standards.

The issue is "why?" Why are we asking our kids to dress in certain ways?

Here is a possible discussion:
"But Dad, why can't I dye my hair blue (wear spandex shorts to church, wear this provocative Jennifer Lopez top, use four letter words at the mall like the other kids, etc.)?"

"Well, my child, you probably could do that and in a perfect world it really wouldn't matter. But, we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a world that has a few flaws: one of them being that most people in this world make a ton of snap judgments based upon some rather narrow preconceived ideas. It is a fact that most of the people you meet will not be able to see beyond the blue hair (or loud dress, etc.) to get to know you. It is critical that you know that many of those same people are in positions to control the circumstances of your life or make judgments about you that have a huge impact upon your life. For the same reason that it would be a bad idea to wear a ball cap to a funeral, it is a bad idea to dye your hair blue... most people would interpret it wrongly. A ball cap at a funeral would be viewed by most as being extremely disrespectful of the person being honored by the funeral. Blue hair would likewise be interpreted by most people as a sign of disrespect for others."

"But dad, that's just the point, I'm trying to show my individuality. I don't want to just be like everyone else."

"Great son, I am all in favor of you being a one-of-a-kind individual, but anyone can dye their hair. Dying your hair does not distinguish you in any meaningful way from much of anyone else. If you truly want to be an individual, why not distinguish yourself by being truly excellent at something? Or why not try to distinguish yourself by undoing some terrible wrong done by society? Why not distinguish yourself by making the world a better place? I'd love to help you. What is the cause that you would like to choose? If the only way that you can come up with to make yourself different is dying your hair, I would be disappointed in you because you are such a unique person with so much to offer."

Let us, as parents, become their teachers and give our children some good solid reasons to choose to adjust their behavior in positive and productive ways simply because the sound reasons that we present make sense to them.

Summer Vacation Brings Battles Between Kids

A letter from a Mom that reflects a very common question at this time of year when kids are home on summer vacation:

Dear Mac,

I am taking your parenting course at work. I also just ordered the DVD set so I can share this with my husband and we can be on the same track.

We have an almost 7 year-old boy and 5 year-old and 9 month-old girls. We are trying to implement your ideas and strategies in our household but have been struggling with how to handle conflicts when they arise. These conflicts seem to have escalated with the onset of summer vacation and the kids being at home all week long.

I've read some of your other Blog postings dealing with similar topics...

Here's an example of something that happens often: the 7 year-old will hit or put his foot on his 5 year old sister (or something either hurtful or just generally irritating). A yelling and crying match follows between the two.

Before taking your parenting class, I would have previously talked to the children about what nice touches are and if not-so-nice touches were occurring I'd spank or do timeouts.

Now, we have come up with a “Family Bill of Rights” that involves the fact that everyone in our house can experience the fruit of the spirit (love) and we've talked specifically about what are nice touches (hugs, family kisses, hand on the shoulder, etc. and what are not).

When a physical altercation occurs between my 7 and 5 year old, I'm not sure what to do. I can't let someone get hurt, but I have decided not to spank and trying to teach them at that point is not going to work.

You've said that taking something away that is not related does not connect the dots for kids... We've had the kids pick privileges but you say not to be involved in taking them away...how does this happen with kids so young?

What's your advice? Also, I've had at least one MAJOR angry outburst with my oldest child since we've been doing the privileges and not spanking and I've never seen him angry like this (even with spanking) although he does get it over it quickly...

I'm either thinking this is touching nerves with him or it's not working...but I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong...

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

Frustrated Mom

Dear Mom,

Your children are lucky to have you for a mother! You are seeking to be the best parent that you can be… and therefore you will be!!

Now for some help with your very common problems.

I will offer some very general comments first and then I will deal with your specific situations that you mention in your letter.

Comment #1: One of the biggest failings that I see young parents making is that they wait until a conflict or a problem arises before they attempt to deal with it. In other words, they simply parent by crisis management. That usually does not work very well because when the conflict arises, the child is not in a mode where they can take instruction!

Here is a way that I try to explain this to many parents: Imagine for a moment that I have come to your house to teach you how to operate a new and fairly complicated software on your computer. Now, rather than giving you this instruction to while you are calm and have all of the children in bed and you are free to concentrate on what I am teaching you, let’s just imagine that I try to do the teaching as you are attempting to feed the children and also at the same time as you and your husband are having an argument over the bills. How well do you think that you would learn to use the new software if I approached my instruction at that time?

Timing Is the Issue

Well, basically that is what you are doing if you attempt to teach your children after a conflict has arisen. You need to teach them at some time BEFORE the conflict is going on! I am sure that if you stop and think just a little bit you can think up some scenarios where some of these conflicts arise. Now what you need to do is to apply Rule #1 from our Parenting with Dignity curriculum and teach your child what you want them TO DO in that type of a situation. Then apply Rule #3 and repeat your instruction a few times. If you are still not successful, remember the corollary to Rule #3 and find another way to teach the same behavior!

General Comment #2: I love your "Family Bill of Rights"! Now, you simply must teach them to your children in behavioral terms that they understand. Do not become discouraged if they do not master it on the first explanation. Just like the example of teaching you to use a software program... it will most likely take a few repetitions.

Next, you need to apply our Rule #4 and get them to say it for themselves. Saying “enjoy the fruit of the spirit” works for you and me but I doubt that a five-year-old or a nine-year-old would attach much meaning to that term. Explain what behavior you “expect the next time” they are in a similar situation and then have them repeat it back to you. Even better, have them demonstrate the desired behavior to you. Remember that what you are attempting to do is to program their minds with the “ideas that you want to rule their worlds and to dictate their choices to act in an appropriate manner. This approach may take longer but let me toll you, It will save time and effort in the long run… and of most importance; this approach will work when you are not there to enforce good decisions about using appropriate behavior!

General Comment #3: Many people misinterpret our program to be about replacing positive rewards (what you call privileges) in place of punishment or negative consequences. This is a mistaken perception. The goal is to raise children who are capable of making great decisiions for themselves; decisions that are NOT dependent upon your reward or punishment. Decisions reached like this will insure that your kids will make these same good decisions when you are not there to mske the decisions for them!

Now with those general comments please refer to the text of your message below for my specific comments.

Specific Comments:

Mac, I am taking your parenting course at work. I also just ordered the DVD set so I can share this with my husband and we can be on the same track.


Like I said, your children are very lucky to have you folks as their parents! Your studies will reap great rewards over the long haul.


We have an almost 7 year old boy and 5 year-old and 9 month-old girls. We are trying to implement your ideas and strategies in our household but have been struggling with how to handle conflicts when they arise. These conflicts seem to have escalated with the onset of summer vacation and the kids being at home all week long.

I've read some of your other Blog postings dealing with similar topics...

Here's an example of something that happens often: the 7 year-old will hit or put his foot on his 5 year old sister (or something either hurtful or just generally irritating). A yelling and crying match follows between the two.

Like I said, these situations seem to be pretty predictable situations that you are capable of describing in fairly complete detail to me, so act BEFORE the conflict starts by setting up some role playing with the kids that have them practice appropriate behavior. Then remember three key words: “that didn’t work” and when one way of teaching fails, use another but do it before there is trouble.

Before taking your parenting class, I would have previously talked to the children about what nice touches are and if not-so-nice touches were occurring I\'d spank or do timeouts.


You have proven that punishment does not work. I will grant you that punishment often gets the attention of kids but for it to work there has to be some teaching going on!

The teaching of the desired behavior is up to you!

Now, we have come up with a “Family Bill of Rights” that involves the fact that everyone in our house can experience the fruit of the spirit (love) and we've talked specifically about what are nice touches (hugs, family kisses, hand on the shoulder, etc. and what are not).

You, as the adult in the situation must act to stop the altercation. You cannot let one beat up or hurt the other. Just remember that separating them has not taught them what you want them to do! What it has done is to teach them that when people don’t get along they must separate! Yuck! We have enough of that in the world!

It is your job to teach them how to compromise, negotiate, compliment, share and other desired behaviors when they are calm and capable of actually learning.


When a physical altercation occurs between my 7 and 5 year old, I'm not sure what to do. I can't let someone get hurt, but I have decided not to spank and trying to teach them at that point is not going to work.

You are exactly right, it is not what you are trying to teach nor your ability to teach… you only problem is timing! Try to teach at a calm time BEFORE they are in an altercation!


You've said that taking something away that is not related does not connect the dots for kids... We've had the kids pick privileges but you say not to be involved in taking them away...how does this happen with kids so young?

If I came to your house to teach you to use that software, and took your keys to your car away from you after your first mistake… what would that teach you about what I wanted to teach you? Would you be any more able to use that software? No! but you would resent me and what I just did. Your kids are no different. The key is to teach them what you want them to do instead of what they did! Now if you are having a little trouble putting into words precisely what you want them to do… I can understand why your kids might have some trouble. However, it sounds to me like you have some well developed ideas about what you want your children to do; so teach them precisely, in behavioral terms that they understand!



What's your advice? Also, I've had at least one MAJOR angry outburst with my oldest child since we've been doing the privileges and not spanking and I've never seen him angry like this (even with spanking) although he does get it over it quickly...

Spanking and special privileges are really not much different. Neither one teaches the child how to make good decisions. Either the child is behaving to avoid your punishment or behaving to get your reward! What will the child do when you are not there to reward or punish? That is the real question.

I'm either thinking this is touching nerves with him or it's not working...but I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong...

You are doing something new and different. He has nine years of experience with the "old you"… let him know what has changed and why. He needs to know what you are doing and why you are doing it. He is nine and is fully capable of understanding that you have high expectations for his behavior.

Ask him to help you to design the desired behavior for him to choose in many of the situations that come up.

Teach him the real benefits of acting in a respectful and dignified manner towards others in your family and then let him see it actually work out best for him. Help him to see that his siblings actually do look up to him and respect him for his kindness and his ability to control his actions.

Rather than viewing yourself as his "decision-maker", start viewing yourself as the "decision-clarifier". Rather than telling him what to do, present desired changes to him as choices for him to make. (That is all that you can really ask him to do anyway! He can always choose to disobey you.) Explain the REAL positive outcomes (that means ones not created by you) that will come his way if he acts in the manner that you would like him to behave whether you are there or not.

But, like I said, present it to him as a choice. Remember that at nine he is half owner of the "mortgage" called his life… and as half owner he should be making at least half of his own big decisions. As a parent you need to start putting him progressively in more control of his actions. Set up situations to have him making big decisions and then give him some feedback on his actions and the outcomes that resulted from his actions.

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

I hope that these general and specific answers have been of help to you. Please keep me posted about how things go for you. Please subscribe to my Blog: (http://parentingwithdignity.blogspot.com/ )

Please go back and look at some of my previous Blogs because I have written about your types of questions.

Please get my two books because they are both full of suggestions to go along with the DVD curriculum. Please note that if you buy the DVD's, you receive a copy of one of my books for FREE!

Sincerely,

Mac Bledsoe

Starting a Parenting with Dignity Class

Create Positive Peer Pressure

In my last article (and in many previous articles) I suggested that parents start a Parenting with Dignity class as a means of working with their own children. Combating peer pressure is really a pretty simple concept when you stop and think about it. All it takes is to create a strong community to raise your children!

A Logical Step In Becoming the Most Effective Parent You Can Be

It is much simpler, easier, more logical, and much more successful for parents to teach something to their own children, if the other children in their world have been taught similar behaviors. Like I said, peer pressure is only a negative force if it is putting pressure on children to misbehave. Peer pressure can be one of the most powerful forces for encouraging children to behave in an approved manner if that peer pressure is pushing in a positive direction.

If a peer group has been collectively taught to use proper table manners, then the peer pressure in your community can be expected to push on your children to use proper table manners!

Likewise, if a peer group has been collectively taught to avoid the use of illegal drugs, then the peer pressure can be expected to drive your children to make a good decision regarding the use of illegal drugs!

How Can You Create “Positive Peer Pressure?”

Creating positive peer pressure can be done quite easily… all that it requires is that parents meet together and establish some of the easily taught decision-making processes that lead to those good decisions.

One of the most effective means of meeting with parents top discuss some of these guidelines for children is to start a Parenting with Dignity Class!
For a plan for starting a Parenting with Dignity class please just go to our website via this link: (http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm ) We have recently updated this Facilitator's Guide to provide a very complete, step-by-step plan for setting up a PWD Class.

Please print a copy and use it to get a Parenting with Dignity Class started today! It might be the best thing that you can do to help safe guard your children's decision making processes.

Tantrums and “Acting-Out” Behaviors

Another Very Common Question

Today I will deal with another very common question that I receive at least three times a week. These great questions have to do with the very common problems presented by children throwing tantrums and “acting-out” in other very inappropriate ways.

These very common parenting problems can involve a wide variety of situations; a very young child just throwing a tantrum at bedtime or nap time, a toddler throwing a fit over a toy, a grade-school-age child running around and grabbing things at the grocery store, or a teenager cussing at a parent over some disagreement. My mail tells me that parents experience the whole spectrum of difficulties with these and many more kinds of “acting-out” behaviors. Kids find many ways to “act-out” and create annoyances.

So many parents ask me about what to do when children are doing these kinds of things and my answer to all of them is usually pretty much the same. “If you wait until the annoying behavior has begun, you will most likely never have success in dealing with the problem!”

The Big Problem: Crisis Management

The big problem that I see most parents encounter is that they try to deal with “acting-out” behaviors by crisis management! They wait until the behavior has begun to try to deal with it, and believe me, that technique almost always fails! To deal with tantrums, and the like, effectively, parents must be proactive and preventative. It just does not work to wait until the child is “acting-out” to deal with the behavior.

"What should I do When..."

Today I went back and reread about fifty or sixty of those frantic e-mails from parents dealing with those types of problems. In the wording of their questions, I can see the problem quite clearly. Almost every single question begins with these words: “What should I do when my child…” Waiting until the child has begun the undesirable behavior is totally reactive in nature… and, by definition, it puts the child “in the driver’s seat!” The Ideas in their heads will rule their world... so put a positive idea in their head BEFORE they are in the situation.

Teaching During Turmoil Is Futile!

Waiting until the child is throwing a tantrum to try to teach a more desirable behavior would be much like me coming to your house and waiting until you and your spouse (or some other person) are having a big fight and then, picking that very moment to step between you and try to teach you how to download some kind of software onto your computer! Teaching at times of turmoil is almost totally futile!

Be Proactive

So here is my suggestion for dealing with tantrums and “acting-out” behaviors. Be proactive. Choose a time when both you and the child are calm and then teach the child the desired behavior (Rule #1). If the child is throwing a tantrum at bedtime every night, don’t wait until bedtime to deal with the problem. It is very predictable that the child will be in turmoil at that time. Start early in the day and teach the child how the evening will progress.

Prevention Is the Key

Take a clock and show the child when bedtime is on the clock. (They really do not have to be able to tell time. Just show them that when the little hand is on eight and the big hand is on twelve it will be bedtime.) Then let the child go with you into their bedroom and pick out the books that you will read at bedtime and lay them out on the bed. This can be done early in the day. Later in the day, at another calm time, go back into the child’s bedroom and pick out the toys that he/she will take to bed that evening.

Every time that you talk about bedtime, talk about the actions that both the child and you will use at bedtime. Teach the child the desired behavior in small increments. Repeat this brief process a number of times during the day. It can be fit around a parent’s work schedule. The key is to get some repetitions at calm times.

Finally get a timer; one of those little things that you can set to time baking. Show your child how the timer works and then, an hour before bedtime, have the child help you to set the timer for one hour. Every fifteen minutes have the child check the timer with you to see how long it is until bedtime. At each of those intervals, remind the child about the books and toys that are in the bed waiting and how much fun it will be to go to bed.

Then when it is fifteen minutes until bedtime, go and get the child dressed for bed and brush the teeth. When the timer rings for bedtime, celebrate with your child the excitement of getting to go to bed and read the books that are waiting there for you.

Let Your Actions Do Your Teaching

With some very positive ideas about bedtime in their head, the child will most likely not even choose to start a tantrum. If a tantrum does arise, be calm and repeat the desired behavior... but be firm and put the child in bed with the books and toys. Do not let the child leave the bed. Sit quietly with the child on the bed. If the ruckus quiets just a little bit, calmly start reading one of the books in a calm and quiet tone of voice.

Now, the key is to repeat this behavior over a few weeks. (Rule #3) Every night make this the routine. As time passes let the child do more and more of the planning for the bedtime. Let them choose books and toys on their own, etc. Let them set the timer and check the timer from time to time.

Over time the undesirable behavior will be replaced by the very calm “bedtime routine” that you have taught the child.

I must add one closing thought here. Many parents tell me that they just don’t have that much time to give to this problem. Then I always ask them, “How much time are you spending with the totally ineffective technique of fighting at bedtime right now?” There is always a long silence. Then I point out that with the technique I am suggesting, the amount of time required from the parent will decrease with time but with the technique they are using, the time given to bedtime will most likely escalate. Make a choice; give me time now or time later. But ask yourself, which one results in a calm and appropriate behavior from your child?”

Check back in my next article and I will share some specific techniques for dealing with other acting out behaviors with older children.

Children "Disrespecting" Parents

Letter from a Concerned Father

Hi Mac,

I thinking of buying you DVD “Parenting with Dignity”, but I have an issue right now and I would like to get you advice if I may.

I have a 12 yrs old son that has a great talent with music especially with all kinds of drums, also, he is learning the guitar.

My son has been very disrespectful with mom and dad and we tolled him that if he continues disrespecting us we will take the guitar a way and the drums will come next.

Well he disrespect mom and we took the guitar away. Now I do not know if this is a good thing we as parents are doing. What do you think we should do and how should we resolve or approach it. We are going to talk this weekend and I would appreciate if I can get some advice so I can have a better solution to implement.

Signed,
Concerned Father

An Answer from Mac

Dear Father,

You are doing a wonderful thing in seeking advice and help with raising your son! Few parents have all of the answers when their children are born! The only way to get better at anything is to seek and ask for the help you need. Your son is lucky to have you for a dad. As long as you keep asking you will find the help you so desire.

Specific Help

Now for some specific help with your problem with your son:

Define Terms

You say he is “disrespecting his mother and father”. I have no idea what that means and imagine that your son does not either. The term “disrespect” is so overused in our society today that nobody really knows what it means… but people fight over that word daily. That term can mean anything from swearing to making faces or gestures. From your letter I have no idea what you mean. I doubt that your son knows what you mean either. If you wish to communicate with your son, you must be precise. Define the terms you are using for him.

Telling a Child What They Did Wrong is NO HELP!

And now we get to the real core issue, even if your definition is precise… that definition still is of no help to your son! It does not teach him one thing about the behavior that you want him to use!

Can you tell me what you want him TO DO? You tell me what he is doing wrong in very general terms like “being disrespectful”. But you say nothing to me about what it is that you want him to do. If you cannot tell me what you want him TO DO, I doubt that your son knows what you want him TO DO! The first thing that you and your wife must do is to sit down and define precisely what you want your son to do when he speaks to either of you. If you want him to speak differently to his mother that he speaks to you then you must explain those differences. Most important, you must explain to your son WHY he should choose to do as you are instructing.

Rule number #1 in our Parenting with Dignity curriculum states that “Parents must end any criticism with a positive statement of the expected behavior.” Put in very simple terms, “you must tell your child exactly what it is that you want him TO DO, in behavioral terms that he understands!” Tell him what you want! You have not told me what it is that you want your son to do so I will have a hard time structuring your actions.

Next, can you tell me what taking the guitar or drums away from your son will teach him about respect? What do guitars and drums have to do with respect? How do you propose that taking away something that he is good at will make him good at something else? I know that is a technique that many parents employ but just look at how well it is working for them.

Taking the drums away from your son does not help him to know what behaviors you want him to use. Only you can teach him that. About all that taking the drums away form him will do is make him mad and give him reason to not respect you. As long as he has you to blame he does not have to deal with his own behavior!

Let me put it this way… you contacted me for advice about how to deal with your son’s behavior. How well would it have worked if I just wrote back to you that I was going to take away your TV until you raised him correctly? …and that was all that I said to you.

How well would that work? Not very well, right? You are looking for instruction about what TO DO to elicit the proper behavior from your son. Telling you that what you are doing is wrong and then removing privileges does not teach you what to do. Are you getting the picture? You need specific instructions about the positive actions to take… and so does your son!

What your son needs is instruction in how you wish him to speak to his mother. That instruction must include very complete and detailed descriptions of the desired tone of voice and the desired word selection. Your son needs you to explain what body language and facial expressions he should use when speaking to his parents. About the only way that you can teach facial expression is to demonstrate to him exactly what you want him to look like when he speaks to the two you parents.

You should also explain how he should make his decisions about how he treats other people in general. Your son needs instruction about how to act. He needs to know that people who act and speak respectfully are treated in a much better manner by others than people who are surly and nasty. He does not need to have you withholding things from him that he does well. Just about all that will do for you is to build resentment in your son!

Once you have explained to him how it is that you expect him to act and speak when he talks to you then you must let your actions do your teaching! Once he has demonstrated to you that he understands how you expect him to act and speak to you, you must never, ever respond to any words he uses that are not expressed in precisely the expected manner. I hate to tell you this but you have taught him to talk in the manner that he does right now! If he speaks in a rude manner to his mother and it gets your attention and gets you to react ot him, that disrespectful manner of speaking has just worked for him. He has learned precisely how to control you! He can make you jump and shout by just talking in a rude manner to his mother! E will never know what he is trying to do by his current “disrespectful” behavior but we do not need to.

You must demonstrate to your son that people who speak in that manner are not listened to in your home. Do not tell him… show him! Let your actions speak. Disrespectful comments are simply ignored by you and his mother.

Then the inute that he speaks in the desired manner, give him your undivided and cheerful attention. Let your actions do the teaching.

If your son is at the dinner table and he starts to speak in a disrespectful (whatever you define that to be) manner, get up and leave the room. If he is in the living room and he does it again, turn off the TV and leave the room. If he asks you to do something in a disrespectful manner, just ignore him. Let your actions speak for you. As long as he insists in speaking in a manner other than the one that you have explained to him, let him see that all it gets for him is that others ignore everything that he says.

Keep your anger out of the equation. Do not get angry and do not lecture. Absolutely do not try to teach him during the time that he is acting in the undesired manner. If you feel that he is not understanding what you mean, wait until some time when he is calm and you are calm and explain to him again how you want him to act. Write it down and give it to him. Have him repeat back to you what you expect of him. Keep explaining it to him until he does as you have instructed.

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior Part #7

LEARNING "What can you learn from this? Life is a lesson."

In this article I will bring to a close this series of articles on getting children to adjust their behavior. Hopefully, these techniques will get your children to do most of the things that you want them to do simply because they have learned the value of making good decisions.

The Big Difference

The difference that I am attempting to communicate to you is that you are attempting to get the child to adjust behavior but not just out of obedience but rather because they choose to! This is a huge difference. Adjustments made out of choice are most often lifelong changes while adjustments made in obedience often last only as long as the one asking for the obedience is present.

Keep the Anger Out!

Remember, very little is ever learned, either on your part or on the kid's part, when anger is involved. In the past articles I have not even mentioned anger, but when we are asking children to adjust their behavior by their choice, anger must never play a part. Most definitely, when learning is the goal, anger should never play a role. If either you or the child has become angry, it is probably best to wait until the anger has passed to try to teach!

Learning

Learning can be the goal for any adjustment in a child's behavior. When your goal is learning, the strategy often is obvious.

"Here is how the world works, and it will help you greatly if you understand this."

More Time Now, Means Less Time in the Long Run

Often, taking the time to teach is the longest and most difficult way to get your children to adjust their behavior right now, but it winds up being the best way because it results in lasting behavior change. When a child chooses to adjust their behavior they understand the “why” behind the change!

While driving in the car it is much quicker and easier to simply separate quarreling children. However, in the long run, separating them really winds up teaching behavior that seems the exact opposite from the logical goal. Separating them teaches them that when people disagree, the desired response is to separate! (No wonder we have such high divorce rates!)

A Logical Approach

It sure seems to be more logical to approach two fighting kids with a goal of teaching them some effective ways to get along and ways to deal effectively with quarrels and disagreements. Teach them by role-playing. It takes planning, thought, time, patience, and lots of care to teach skills of compromise and negotiation but these skills last a lifetime!

If you, as the parent, choose to make learning your goal, it may take longer to bring about the desired behavior change at age four. However, when you do take the time, at age four, to teach some skills, then at age fifteen you no longer have to deal with your children fighting because what you taught at age four is still working! Your child learned it and will use it forever!

A Lesson in an Airport

A few weeks ago we were flying home from a trip, we were sitting near and elevator in the SeaTac airport. While we were sitting there a young family came up to the elevator to go to the next floor. The mother knelt down and said, “When you come to an elevator, you must stand back after pushing the button so that when the elevator gets here, the people on the elevator can get off before we get on. It always works that way,” the mom said in an instructional manner. “The elevator must empty first, before loading for the next trip up!”

I watched as the children gladly pushed the button and then stepped back to wait. Sure enough, when the elevator arrived, about ten people got out as the children stood back to politely let them off before getting on themselves. It was so simple, watching that mother take the time to teach in such a clam manner. She could have just grabbed the kids and said, “Stand back!” with no explanation. And at that point she could have had a battle on her hands as her kids pushed back at the command.

It might have been quicker to just make a command, but the teaching approach would be long lasting. That mother would probably never have to deal with that issue again. However, had she taken the quicker route of giving a command, she might have had to give the command for years to come.

It was interesting to sit near that elevator for the next half hour and just observe. There were lots of people using that elevator that day; and lots of adults could have used the mother’s lesson!

Children need adults to TEACH THEM the “rules of the world.” Once they learn the rules, it becomes so much easier for them to play the game.

At this point, it is so key to remember… you can never assume that a child has learned any skill until they use it in the appropriate context to bring about positive change for themselves.

Behavior Change Is the Measure of Success

Saying something rarely defines teaching. So often we hear parents say, "I told my son a hundred times. I don't know what's wrong, but he's not doing it!" Telling does not constitute teaching. If teaching is the goal, then a change in your child's behavior must be the measure of the your success!

It would have been foolhardy for that mother to assume that her job was finished if, after explaining the rule about letting an elevator empty before crowding in front of the door, her children had crowded in front of the door anyway. At that point she would have needed to re-teach the concept until it resulted in a change in the child’s behavior.

If you use one strategy to teach a concept or behavior and the child does not change, keep the anger out and remember three key words: THAT DIDN'T WORK! Then, try again with another repetition or a completely new method; but don't give up. Remember our Rule #3 that learning takes repetition!

You may not succeed on the first few tries at teaching a concept. But, one thing is guaranteed... if you stop trying to teach, you will fail. Too many parents are willing to say, "I have tried everything," after a few failures… instead of simply saying, "Oops, I just found a couple of ways to teach this that didn't work, so I had better look around for another way to teach that idea!"

Way back, years ago, I started making a video to the song “Teach Your Children” by the Eagles. Maybe I need to go back and finish that video!

"Reasons to Ask Kids to Limit or Adjust Their Behavior" Part #4

Subtle Ways to Ask for kids to Alter Behavior

Well, now let’s move on to some more subtle but also very viable reasons to offer to children as they choose their behavior. Please notice that I am saying “choose” their behavior. Children do choose their behavior! There is no getting around it. The older they get the more it becomes a conscious act of picking a behavior from their repertoire of learned and innate behaviors.

Teach Young Children with Actions

When children are very young they do not have many behaviors to choose from. In the beginning, they pretty much react by choosing to cry or laugh about just about everything that happens.

Rapidly they begin to experiment with other behaviors that they see or hear. Kids will start to whine or maybe throw tantrums (basically more dramatic crying). They will use anything that works! If crying results in getting what they want, they will begin to use it for a wider and wider variety of situations and as a response to more and more situations where they are uncomfortable.

Teach BEFORE a Problem Arises

The thing that seems to happen to so many parents is that they start trying to teach appropriate behaviors by waiting until the child chooses an inappropriate behavior like crying! Like I have said many times before, waiting until the child has made a bad choice is foolish and usually results in a failure to teach!

The dignified way to go about teaching children is to start teaching them desirable behaviors BEFORE they are in a difficult situation. With very young children you must keep in mind that the absolute worst way to attempt to teach them is with words. The teaching must involve actions and demonstrations.

Our younger son, Adam and his wife Courtney are perfect examples of this technique. They taught their son, Mac (don’t you love it? I have a grandson named after me!) to use sign language to indicate when he wants more of something and to give a sign when he wants up and a sign when he is finished eating and wants down. It has been so amazing to watch that little guy, from the age of about six months, make the choice of using some simple little hand movements to get what he wants and to communicate his needs with his parents. And man, you cannot believe how peaceful it makes their house at meal times. Their house is peaceful most other times too because the signing has made crying pretty much useless by comparison!

Teaching Kids to "Sign"

If you are interested, here are a few websites where you can learn to teach signing to an infant. (Please know that I have nothing to gain from any of these sites or programs. They are just some sites that I have heard of in my travels and interactions with parents across America!)

http://www.babybumblebee.com/store/asl.cfm?gclid=CJCp2ZyI0IsCFR1BggodrzxYHA

http://signingbaby.com/main/?pp_album=main&pp_cat=signing-baby-dictionary

What you are doing with this kind of approach is you are teaching your children actions that bring peace and satisfaction into their lives simultaneously.

This all brings me to this fourth in the list of reasons to ask for your children to alter their behavior. For a little 10-month old child to be able to ask for more food at dinner, rather than just crying, brings peace into that child’s life and an amazing peace to the parents and the entire family!

Peace!

As the child gets older it can become increasingly more important to teach the child to alter behavior because it brings PEACE into their lives.

PEACE - "Do this simply because it will make your life much more peaceful and simple." Sometimes things that may seem very basic to us must be explained in detail to our children. For example, "Did you know that people who smile often meet more happy people? So, if you would like to spend more time around laughing and happy people, then you need to smile, a lot!" Point out the many instances in life where cheerful people are given preferential treatment.

I communicated this just yesterday to a group of high school age students that I was asked to speak to. These were sophomores and juniors who are enrolled in a “school within a school” where some pretty amazing teachers are team teaching a group of kids who have had some difficulties with school. I gave them an assignment. I asked them to go home and vacuum the living room and take out the garbage every day for the next week. I asked them to do this with a smile on their face and without having to be asked.

Then I asked them to ask for permission to do one thing that they normally would not get to do before coming back to class after a week of cheerfully helping out at home. What I want them to experience is that doing things to help others, in a cheerful manner, without being asked to do it will work out well for them.

Structure learning situations like that for your kids!

Make it a policy to reward cheerful behavior in the home as early as possible. Let them experience, at the earliest age, their cheerful attitude gets much more attention and much better results. Make your home a peaceful place by practicing what you preach. Model cheerful and polite requests for compliance rather than shouting angry demands and watch their behavior match yours. (Children learn far more from our actions than from our words. "Do as I say, not as I do," may sound nice but it seldom works.)

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #3

"Help! I can't do this without you!"

Ok, we are ready for the third of these articles about getting children to decide to act in appropriate ways and to choose to adjust their behavior to suit your expectations for them. Now let’s remember that as parents we are never in control of our children’s behavior. They are!

With that understanding we then must view any change we attempt to make in their behavior to be a process of teaching children to choose the behavior we deem to be desirable. Their change in behavior will be the result of our efforts to lead them to appropriate and approved choices.

Now, please do not misinterpret what I am saying here. I do believe that parents have the right to ask for children to simply be obedient and do what their parents ask them to do. However, obedience also must be taught. Children can learn to simply obey their parents but obedience is dangerous because it does not teach children what to do when there is no one there to make their decisions for them and tell them what to do!

So here we go with the third reason to give children for them to use in choosing to adjust their behavior to match with our expectations.

HELP - "I can't do this without your help!" Many times a simple request for help will work wonders as a limit upon a child's behavior. Think about it . . . when you ask your kid for help you are sending very important messages.

First, you are saying, "You are a very capable person. Look, I'm giving you an important task to do!" So many people have gotten a much distorted view of the term self-esteem. If you have read or listened to much of the Parenting with Dignity material you have most likely noticed that I very rarely use the term and there is a sound reason for this… I do not use it because of the many distorted and varied definitions that so many parents have of self-esteem!

That being said, I honestly believe that almost nothing will allow a child to hold a wonderful opinion of themselves than being treated like they are valued people! Asking for help says that loud and clear to a child!

When I was a child my father took me out in the hay field and he told me that he needed my help. I always reflect back on that day as a pivotal day for me. My dad needed my help. I don believe that I had ever felt so important or valued. Dad had a way with words. I will never forget what he said that day, “Kid, you are the brains on this job! I need you to think!” It was pretty nasty work but I eagerly attacked it because it was a sign that my contribution was important! Give that feeling to your children.

Next, you are saying, "You are a trusted person because this job requires that I trust you." Give your children a job and then let them do it. Buck Minor, the cowboy on our ranch, did this repeatedly with me as I grew up. He would give me a job to do and then he would leave and let me do it. Sometimes I would make a mess or leave part of the job uncompleted. He would not come unglued or angry. He would just give me a pointer, let me know that he really needed me to do the job and then let me try again.

I can tell you that I draw on that confidence I was taugh as a child by having people like my Dad and Buck let me know that they needed me. I believe that there are so many children in today’s culture who have never been told that they are needed. Telling them that you need themj and actually treating them like they are needed are really two very different things.

Then, you are saying, "I need you, and my life would be extremely difficult without you and therefore I have come to you, of all the people I know, to ask for help." Asking a child for help confirms for them that in your family, everyone has value. Letting children know that their family needs them will be a springboard for the rest of their life.

Give your children this feeling of being a valued part of the family often. Giving children tasks to do can be just work if it is presented that way. However, if a job is presented as something that needs ot be done and the child might be the only one who can do it well the job can be fulfilling and it confirm self-worth!

Finally, you are saying, "A family is a place where we all participate simply because we need each other!" Don't be surprised if your child starts to turn to you in times of stress and need soon after you have modeled that behavior for him or her. Treating them like valued people in a tight and mutually dependant family will build trust in the child to share difficult times with you.

If you want your child to trust you, it is necessary to trust them first. Trust s a mutual event! Going to your children and telling them that you need them is a great first step in showing that you trust them.

Let your children know that you need their help. Do not be surprised if you find that you actually do! Most parents who experience difficulties in getting children to do jobs around the home suffer from a lack of trus in their children to do the job!

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior

APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

"Do this because society says so, in less formal ways." You won't be fined or sent to jail for violating any of these rules but many times they may be just as important to obey as laws. These rules fall under the category of manners, or social customs, but they often are the standards by which your children's character is judged. Teach your children that they can act any way they choose, but other people retain the right to their own response and their own opinion.

Point out that these rules make most people's responses very predictable. "You can cut your hair in a Mohawk and dye it orange if you wish but remember that many people will then discount you as a meaningless person. It may not be right for them to do so, but it is very predictable."

The same goes for conduct in a public place… loud and boisterous behavior will, very predictably, be viewed as immature and will be criticized by most adults. Children will rapidly begin to get the picture. Children are fully capable of seeing cause and effect in these situations.

“Wearing a baseball cap at a funeral will be judged by most as being a sign of disrespect to the deceased. If you insist upon wearing one to make yourself more comfortable, then you predictably will be called a disrespectful person.” Kids need this type of advice.

Think of this like you would think of teaching your child to use a computer. They need some help in learning the commands to get the computer do what they want it to do. In life they need guidance in learning and choosing the actions and behaviors that result in the outcomes that they desire from life. You are the guide but they hold the power to choose their actions.

Give your children some great ideas to choose for the job of ruling their world.

Treat people in a manner that you would like to be treated.

If you are feeling sad try to make someone else happy; it will usually cheer you up.

It does not matter how deep or cold the water, if you have to go through it anyway. Get your feet wet.

A “Thank You!” will open ten times as many doors as a “Please!” and hundreds more than a “Gimme!”

Happy people meet more happy people.

Give your best and that is all the world can ask. Set your own standards.

Your family ought to have lots more of these types of ideas that your child can use to make their life more complete and that can lead them to make wonderful choices for themselves.