Showing posts with label unconditional love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unconditional love. Show all posts

June 19, 2007

Effective Step Parenting

Help for Children

Yesterday, I received an outstanding and very common question from Shawn and Colleen Woods. The Woods are a wonderful young couple who are working to build a better community for children in their neighborhood down in the Tampa, Florida area by facilitating Parenting with Dignity classes both in their neighborhood and in their workplace. Shawn is a former student and athlete that I worked with in the wonderful town of Waterville, Washington. Their simple question was, “Do you have any advice for step-parents on effective ways for them to combine efforts with the divorced mother/father; and in ways to deal with the “you’re not my father/mother” conversations with children?”

Some Shocking Advice

My advice here may shock some parents who feel that their situation is unique and different from that of what they feel are “normal” parents (meaning, I guess, that both parents are the natural father and mother of the children residing with them.) In other words, these step parents, who have chosen to divorce and then remarry and now have children living with them that are not their natural children, are wondering what special parenting skills I can offer to them.

My advice might shock some because it is pretty simple; “be the best parent that you can be using the SAME techniques that you would use if you had not been divorced!”

Now, stick with me and please do not become angered or put off by this advice which may seem insensitive, tactless, blunt, and over-simplified. Please listen to what I am saying to you if you are one of these parents. (Or listen carefully if you are like Shawn and Colleen and are facilitating a Parenting with Dignity class with parents who are now step parents.) Please do not think that I have gone off my rocker. I really cannot put his any other way. I simply cannot come up with some magic tools for parents of divorce. Effective parenting is effective parenting! It does not matter what the situation might be.

Now, let me acknowledge that being a divorced father of three children who do not live with you offers some special challenges; but the skills of being an effective parent do not change. It is still just as critical for you to make solid decisions about what your goal is in any action that you take with those children. It really does not matter whether you are a single parent or are a step parent. In those situations the concepts presented in Lessons #3 in our Parenting with Dignity are perhaps even more necessary to master. It might be even more important to be extremely clear about the precise goals for your actions.

If you apply our Rule #1 with step children it still works. “Tell them precisely what you want them to do! You must describe that desired conduct in behavioral terms that the child can understand. You must be able to explain clearly to the child precisely how their world will be better if they do as you ask.”

If you apply our Rule #2 with step children it still works. “Criticize the performance and not the person!” That is equally valuable with any children regardless of the relationship! That rule will work with employees at work and with spouses at home. T is a valid way to teach anyone.

If you apply our Rule #3 with step children it also works! “Repeat desired actions and beliefs to children!” If the children are not using what you have asked them to do after three requests, changing the words and the manner of delivery will increase the chances of getting he child to choose to act in the desired manner.

If you apply our Rule #4 in a “blended family” it will work! “It still does not matter what you say, it is what the children say to themselves that changes or controls their behavior!” As a person acting as a parent, whether you are the natural parent or not, you still must orchestrate situations where the child actually says the desired actions or decisions for themselves. Effective decision making skills must be internalized to work for any child.

Finally, if a parent applies our Rule #5 it will work! “Sending a child a constant and continual message of unconditional love will always give that child a sense of personal value that will allow the child to make amazingly great decisions about their own lives.”

The Critical Difference for Step Parents

After years of studying parenting skills I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that makes parenting different in the case of divorce is that the parents somehow view their task as different or they think that they should treat the child in a different manner. That is a terrible error.

The Problems for Children of Divorce

The problems for children of divorce come when parents start to use the child as a tool in their fight with their former spouse!

If there is any special skill needed by parents of the children of divorce it lies in being able to be a true adult about the situation and not using the children in their fight with their former spouse! The only special skill for step parents comes in treating the former spouse with the respect and dignity that is due the other parent of their child!

A step parent should never claim to be the parent of a step child; simply because they do not need to. That child already has two parents. Having said that, the step parent can still be an extremely effective teacher of sound, moral and ethical decisions to be used by the child. A step parent can be an extremely loving, caring, and dignified guide to the children sharing a home.

Parenting with True Dignity

Let me close with one very solid example. Parenting with real dignity and effectiveness can be done by any loving person with the desire to be an effective teacher. This was taught to me by a group of felons in the state penitentiary in Connecticut.

On a visit to that prison, I was privileged to eat dinner with a whole cellblock of men, most of whom had recently completed the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum. My visit came about a month and a half before Christmas and immediately following dinner many of the men in the cafeteria went over and sat on the floor along the wall of the room. When I went over to see what they were doing, I saw that they were all holding white pieces of cloth and they seemed to be sewing on those squares of cloth with needles and thread.

When I asked what they were doing some of them showed me their pieces of cloth. Those were not just any pieces of cloth; they were the men’s pillow slips. What those guys were doing was pretty simple. They were embroidering sayings, scripture verses, and other ideas into those pillow slips to give to their children at Christmas. That way their children could sleep on Dad’s ideas! Those men had selected ideas that they wanted their children to use to rule their worlds. They had found a way to communicate those critical and useful ideas to their children in a very unique, loving, and wonderful way.

It is my firm belief that those men were being much more effective parents to their children than many natural parents on the outside of the prison walls. It was really interesting to me to find out that many of those dads were sending the pillow slips to step children! Effective parenting was being done right through the concrete walls and bars of a prison!

Those men did not need special parenting skills… they just applied the simple and effective tools that they learned from Parenting with Dignity to their own situation!

May 25, 2007

Is it ADD/ADHD or Just Bad Behavior - Part 3

ADD – Attention Divided by Divorce?

It is interesting to note that ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, is being diagnosed at ever higher rates these days. Doctors and school professionals seem to find more ADD everywhere that they look. It seems that there is an epidemic of this "disease" that seems to hit young kids.

I would like to weigh in with another of my thoughts on the subject of ADD. I will offer today’s thoughts just so that you have another new idea to chew on. In this article I am not attempting to place blame on anyone. Rather I am offering today’s statements just to cause some folks to think a little bit about their situation just to see if it might be possible to improve the situation of a few children.

It is pretty interesting to me that the diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder has risen concurrently with the rise in the national divorce rate! Now, I want you to know that I am NOT claiming any scientific study linking divorce with ADD. I am just saying that I have observed some interesting coincidences between the two while teaching! It seemed that an inordinate number of the kids with ADD were also children of divorce.

Then, I read a number of articles and essays that said that some cases of ADD could be linked to the child not being paid attention to by adults, parents, and teachers. It occurred to me that some of what I was seeing diagnosed as ADD/ADHD could be attributed to the child just seeking attention from adults! As a matter of fact, as we were running some of our early Parenting with Dignity Classes, we found that many parents told us that their children’s Hyperactive Behavior really decreased when they did the assignment for Lessons 5&6 in our curriculum!

When parents offered regular messages of unconditional love to their children, they found that many of those kids decreased their hyperactivity. To us that said that Attention Deficit Disorder for some kids was just a deficit of attention being paid to them by adults.

I know that was true in my classroom. Many kids who showed some of the characteristics of ADD like apparent lack of attention span and inability to concentrate changed markedly when I found time to give them some undivided attention of a positive nature!
Divorce and Lack of Attention

“So what does this have to do with divorce?” you ask. Well, stop and think for a second. Many children of divorce find that their parents’ attention becomes rather divided and random as the divorce is taking place and the parents are working out their differences that sometimes include contentious child custody issues.

As a matter of fact a few years ago, a father from the Boston area contacted me wanting me to support some Father’s Rights issues back there in Massachusetts and among other things he made the comment that many of the divorced fathers were noticing ADD issues with their children.
Be Careful to Give Positive Attention to Children

So what is the point? Just this… if your family is or has gone through a divorce, be extremely careful to give your children lots of positive attention and expressions of love! I am not proposing that all ADD could be traced to divorce or lack of positive parental attention. All I am saying is be on the lookout for opportunities to give your children added attention at times of stress. Just be aware of any Deficit of Attention that your child may be experiencing.

January 26, 2007

The Greatest Teacher I Have Ever Known

My Best Friend

My best friend for thirty-two years was an amazing man by the name of John Matau. He was a teacher!

When I first met him I was on my visit to Kittitas High School to interview for my first full time teaching job. His room was right next to the Principal’s Office and while I was doing my interview, I could hear the laughter of students through the cinder-block walls that separated the office from John’s classroom.

After my interview, I walked to the door of that classroom and peeked in to see what all the laughter was about. The guy in front of the room was playing some kind of a game with his students and it was obvious that everyone in the room was engaged in what was going on. It was near to the lunch hour and the principal had invited me to stay for lunch. I decided to stay and vowed to try to meet this teacher who was having so much fun with the kids.

Learning Can Be Fun

Well, I did not have to wait long to meet the fellow… he walked out of his room when the bell rang, came over and introduced himself to me and invited me to go to the cafeteria to eat lunch. He said it was a bit of a walk but it would be worth it because the menu was for hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes that day. He said the cooks did a wonderful job with this lunch, and they always made fresh bread so it would be a great meal!

The cafeteria and lunchroom were in the grade school, and when we arrived there was a long line of students waiting for lunch. I showed him the ticket the principal had given me and mentioned that he told me that teachers and guests could eat without waiting in line. John’s response was simply, “Would never do it!” So… we went to the end of the line and waited our turn to eat with all of the students.

When I arrived home that afternoon I told my wife I had met the most amazing fellow at my job interview. He seemed to be a truly unique teacher! I told her that if I was lucky enough to get that job, I was going to get to know this guy and try to figure out why his classroom seemed to be so much fun! I told my wife that he just might be my best friend that I had not yet met! Little did I know the meaning of those words?

John rapidly became my best friend. I, too, became his best friend and we remained as such for thirty-two years. I guess he is still my best friend, we just don’t get to spend much time together since he died of cancer almost four years ago.

The Best Teacher

I want to tell you why I call John Matau the best teacher that I have ever known. John believed that education should be fun for all kids, not just for the most talented or gifted. He had run away from home at twelve and he told me simply he always tried to make his class into a place for kids like himself! He wanted the wild and unruly kids to have a place to learn too. I found that the “normally-good” students liked his classes because he made learning fun for them too.

John and I taught and coached together for four years there at Kittitas. I learned from that guy every day. John taught me that there was a place for every boy on a team so we invited every boy to be involved with our team in some way. We all learned the position of manager or equipment guy as is essential to the success of the game of football as are the players.

After four years together went our separate ways and taught and coached in different communities. John returned to the town of Elma, where he had graduated from high school, and I accepted an opportunity to try coaching at the college level… but our friendship seemed to grow with the physical distance. We shared our many experiences with kids and I continued to learn from John at every turn. I think he learned from me too and most of all we learned together. We loved kids and we were both proud to call ourselves teachers. Most of all, we, together realized what an awesome responsibility it was to be called “Teacher” or “Coach” by one of our students.

I watched John teach at every opportunity. I learned that while teachers must never cross the line and become buddies with their students, they could earn a special place among students by never considering themselves superior to them. I always ate school lunch in the cafeteria like John did and I always waited in line with the kids, even though every school I worked in offered teachers a separate line where they were served ahead of the kids. I always wrote my telephone number on the board the first day of school so that if any of my students wanted or needed some kind of help, I could be easily reached.

Now to get to the meat of this story… John and I got to teach and coach in the same district again down in Walla Walla, Washington. In my last year of teaching in that great school district, John told me that he had harbored a dream for years of building a school that was dedicated to his beliefs about teaching! Charter Schools had just become a new possibility and the concept of building a different kind of school got John to thinking.

The Courage to Try Something New

He went to the Administration and asked permission to build a school there in Walla Walla. By this time John had become Vice Principal at the local high school and he was becoming disillusioned by the common practice of letting kids drop out of school. He was even more alarmed at the practice of kicking kids out of school for attendance and behavior problems. When John talked about these kids being out on the street with no education, I always watched his eyes fill with tears.

As I saw his tears, I would reflect back upon his statement at Kittitas, when he told me he wanted his classroom to be a place for kids like himself; the wild and unruly. However, we had talked so often about how we wished the world could be different, that I just thought this dream of building a new kind of school was another bit of wishful thinking on John’s part.

I was so amazed when John Matau actually received permission to build his own school. I will not go through all of the red tape and hoops he jumped through to build his school, however I will share with you how his school was able to succeed with kids that the formal educational system had failed.

Why His School Worked!

First, John named this school The Opportunity Program, simply because that was what it was… an opportunity to succeed for kids who had never been given a chance!

To build his school, the district simply said that he could not recruit students from the traditional high school or middle school, and he could not recruit his students from the already existing alternative school. He could only recruit students off of the streets who were not in school. Also, he was told that his funding would come from the exact formula that governed the rest of the schools in the district. He would only get funding based upon the number of FTE’s (Full time Equivalent Students) that he had in attendance at his school.

John based his school on a couple of basic ideas. 1. The bar would be lowered for no one! Excellence would be the standard. However, he also said that 2. This school would be built and run for the convenience of the students rather than the convenience of the adults running it!

The Opportunity Program opened at 6:00 A.M. and did not close until midnight. Teachers came and went to meet with the schedules created by the students. (I know, I was a doubter too until I saw this school operate!)
He Treated Students with Respect and Dignity!

Now here is where John really broke with convention… when a potential student was located and came for a visit to see what this school was like, they were immediately escorted in to meet with John, the principal of the school. John would then take the potential student into his office to a huge calendar on his wall and he would ask the student to tell him what time would be most convenient for them to have their entrance interview. He would point to the calendar and say, “You tell me what day works best for you and you tell me what time of day or night works best for you and I will be here. However, you must pick a time when you are willing to give me two hours of your time! I will make time for you but you must give me two hours of your time.”

Once the date was scheduled, John would give the potential student one of his business cards with the selected time for the meeting written on the back, and tell the young person that if something came up he would like a call, in advance, to let him know that there needed to be a change in the time of the appointment. He also offered that if the student needed a ride to the appointment, they could just call that number and he would gladly provide transportation.
Be Your Best You

The only requirement he made of the student was that on the day of the appointment he expected all prospective students, “to show up here on time, and bring your best YOU! That means that you do not have to show up looking or dressing like me. You do not need to conform to my standards but you must conform to the highest standards that you set for yourself!”

The original Opportunity Program was in rented space in the basement of a house owned by a neighborhood church. In one year John’s school had so outgrown that space that the Opportunity Program moved into a vacant building that had once been a super market.

When a student would come for the entrance appointment they would find John, the Principal of their new school, waiting out on the sidewalk or in the parking lot to meet them. John was always dressed very professionally in a suit and tie for these occasions and he would run to meet the kid with his hand outstretched for a handshake. John would always call the student by name and tell him/her how glad he was to see her/him.
Treat Them Like They Are Special...
and They Will Act Like They Are Special!

Next they would go into the school where John would take the kid on a tour of the facilities. The student would be introduced as if he/she were being interviewed for a CEO position in a Fortune 500 Corporation! John’s introductions consisted of stating the name of the teacher or staff member and then telling the staff member all about the new student. (Are you noticing a different emphasis already? We can tell kids that they are important but our actions speak much louder than our words ever could.)

Then John would escort the student into his office where he would offer a cup of coffee, a glass of juice, or a cookie. He would offer the student one of the comfortable chairs in his office and he would sit in another chair just like the student’s chair. (Are you beginning to see a trend of treating the student as an important person?)

John would then pick up a clipboard and a pen and the interview would begin. John would ask the student first to list for him any Personal Goals that she/he might have. Many students were caught off guard by this manner of questioning and most had really never thought much about personal goals. If the student seemed to be stumped, John would produce a big sheet with some of the personal goals that had been submitted by other students. Honesty, integrity, laughter, self-worth, a family, and so on. This sheet ran the gamut from wanting a good job to wishing to be a rock musician.

After writing down any of these goals the student had offered or picked, John would tell the student that he would type this list of goals for the student to have for permanent records and that he would always have a copy of the goals in the student’s personal folder there in his office.

Next, John would turn the questioning to the student’s Professional (or Career) Goals. He would ask the student where they saw themselves in ten, twenty, or thirty years. What job would you like to have? How much money would you like to make? What kind of a house would you like to live in? Just like with the personal goals, if the student seemed stumped, John would offer a big sheet of possibilities. Once the potential student had selected some professional goals John said the same about these. He would type up a copy of them, give a copy to the student, and keep a copy of them in the student’s permanent file. He also pointed out that these were the exclusive property of each student and that they could and would be changed at any time that the student wished!

Then John would then turn the conversation to Educational Goals. “What would you like to get from your education?” he would ask. Most of the time this question would really throw the interviewee for a loop. Most of these kids had never thought much about what they personally wanted from an education. When prompted with a list of some ideas many students would open up and admit that they really could not read very well and they would like to learn to read! Others were very specific in simply wanting a diploma. A few would even own up to having a dream of someday attending college. John wrote them all down with the same promise to type them and have them available to the student at any time, simply to look at, to change, add to, or modify!

While the student was in the beginning of the interview John would take a picture of the prospective student with his digital camera. While the interview was being conducted, one of the Opportunity Staff would take the picture, blow it up and make a poster of it. Under the picture would be typed the student’s name. Below the student’s name would be placed one of each of their sets of goals: a Personal Goal, a Career Goal, and a Professional Goal.

By the time that the interview was over the poster would be placed on the "Wall of Fame" next to all of the other students in the Opportunity Program, with the promise that it would remain there until the student asked to have it removed.

Now do you see why I say that John was the best teacher I ever met? When I would visit his school and talk with his students I would always ask them why they were succeeding in this school when they had failed in other schools and they would always answer with a few common answers; “This is the first school where they asked me what I wanted!” or “This is the first school where anyone actually cared enough to know my name!” or “This is the first school where I have been treated with respect for who I am.” or “I can still work to support my baby and also go to school here.”
A Demand for Excellence!

Now go back for a moment and reflect upon something that I said earlier about John’s premise for the school. “We will lower the bar for nobody!” He set up a school that honored and recognized every student and their different needs and different goals. His school saw each student as important and unique yet his school demanded the same level of excellence that the traditional school did! Often his school’s standards were even higher! And he was getting this excellence from students who had never before succeeded in school. What was the difference? Very simply, he had done as he said he would; this school was built for the convenience of the students! This school treated its' students as if they were capable of excellence and the students rose to match those expectations!

A number of times the Opportunity Program was challenged by the traditional educational community because many doubted that the Opportunity Program could be achieving the excellence they were reporting. I was there one day when a few members from the high school were there challenging John on how he could be awarding full credit for a course offered at the traditional high school. John simply replied, “I don’t know, but we are using your curriculum guide, your Student Learning Objectives, and your tests. If you would like to review any of our student’s work we operate on the “portfolio method” of evaluation here. So, if you would like, we can pull out the work of any student taking a course you feel is not being properly taught or evaluated and you could show us where we are falling short. As a matter of fact, one of our biggest tasks is evaluating our students’ work, so if you feel that our standards are not high enough, we would welcome having any of you come and help us to evaluate our students’ work!”

It is amazing to note that in every year John ran that school, they had a minimum of 95 students who had been cast aside as unfit for school by our traditional school system, but who were now working in pursuit of high school diplomas. As a result of John’s demand, all of his graduates walked across the stage along with students who had attended the traditional high school and received the real High School Diplomas they had earned from the Walla Walla School District.

Great teachers meet every student where they are and take them as far as they can go. Sometimes those teachers reach beyond what has always been done to meet the needs of their students.

John was forced to retire by his bout with cancer. Almost four years after his death, the Opportunity Program still is a living monument to the dedication of the best teacher I have ever been privileged to know.




January 11, 2007

Messages of Love: Play with Kids! (Part 1)

All People Who Love, Play!

Seek opportunities to play with you children. That is what people do when they love each other… they play! All too often we find parents who take the job too seriously. They seem to think that every conversation has to be loaded with lots of guidance and advice. That is not true. Play and laughter is a great way to build a relationship with a child. (It is also a great way to extend our own childhood!) Just let your hair down and play with your kids, for no other reason than to have some fun.

Don’t Wait… Play Today, and Play Every Day!

I learned way too late in life that adults could buy water balloons too! Imagine this: You have left work early some sunny afternoon and you have filled up 30 water balloons and you have them in a bucket on the roof where you are hiding in wait for the school bus to drop the neighborhood kids off at the corner. As the kids unload you start launching your ammo at them. Did you know that you can get about six in the air before the first one lands? By then you are out of sight and the projectiles begin to hit. All of the kids are dodging and tryint to find out where they are coming from.

Then one of the kids spots you on the roof as you continue the bombardment. I will guarantee you that not one kid at the bus stop will be telling your kid, “Your dad is so dumb!” what they will be saying is, “Your dad is so cool, my dad would never throw water balloons at us from the roof… let’s get him!”

Play at Every Opportunity

My gosh, turn off the stove and go out and make a snowman! It is snowing! And in the life of an eight-year-old that is exciting and fun… and it is fun for parents too. Dinner can wait. As a matter of fact, a late dinner might be really fun for the whole family.
Play tricks on your kids and let it be known that you are fair game for tricks. Short sheet their beds, put surprise toys in their shoes, put blocks of wood in their sandwiches, and get ready for some fun tricks to be played on you. (It might be necessary to establish some rules and guidelines for tricks because they might get out of hand.) Don’t be surprised if you try to get up from Thanksgiving dinner and find that someone has been under the table and tied your shoelaces together.

In the process of the laughter you have established a relationship of laughter and fun in your family and with your kids. Play is magic for building lasting relationships. Remember that the ones that you laugh with are usually the ones that we seek out in times of difficulty. If you have built a tradition of laughter with your kids don’t be surprised if your kids come to you during times of need or tragedy.

December 12, 2006

Messages of Love: Say the Words

Just Say it!

Kids should hear us saying, “I love you” to them! It should be the first thing that they hear every morning, and the last thing that they hear every night. They should hear it in the middle or at the end of arguments, on the phone, and at unexpected times. No matter what, you must say the words, "I love you!" If parents do not say the words, then it is very likely that all other attempts at expressing love will fail. Without the words, our kids just might miss the message completely!

Let me say it again! “I love you,” must be the first thing that our kids hear in the morning and the last thing that they hear before they go to sleep at night and they must hear those words repeatedly all day long! Our kids will not know that we love them just because they live in our homes. If we fail to tell them regularly that we unconditionally love them, they may miss the message when we send it in other very critical ways. While I was growing up, my Dad told me that he loved me in every other way, but... because he did not say the words I had missed the message until I was thirty-one. then he finally said the words.

Get the full Story!

In my book, Parenting with Dignity, and in our video curriculum, I reveal the full story of my father and how he finally said the words, “I love you!” to me. I would recommend that you get my book or the video curriculum to learn the full story (you can get either by Christmas with free postage), because I find that many people shared a similar experience with their parents! However, for the sake of this article, let it suffice to say that he communicated his love for me in every other way that I could name, but, because he did not say the words, I missed the rest of the message!

Do not take that risk with your children! Tell them that you love them today! And every day! In these words! “I love you!”

Two Additional Observations

It is also important to note two additional observations that are of real significance in this event with my dad.

1. It Is Never Too Late!

The first, it is that it is never to late to say “I love you!” My dad waited until I was thirty-six and he was fifty-eight to say those words to me but, when he finally did, it meant the whole world to me. He only lived six more years after that night when he first told me that he loved me, but I never saw that wonderful man ever again that he did not tell me that he loved me. Those were six of the best years of my life and certainly the best of the best years of my relationship with my dad.

2. Build a Relationship with Parents Too!

Next, it would have been a real crime if my amazing and loving father had gone to his grave never having heard the words “thank you” from his son! It is never to late for that either. Many people have told me that after hearing the amazing story about my dad and me that they finally realized what had been missing between them and their parents and hearing that story simply motivated them to build some emotional bridges of their own. If you are one of those people let me encourage you to take the necessary action to build the relationship with a parent. It is an effort well worth the giving.

December 08, 2006

Send a Constant Message of Unconditional Love

There Is No Switch to Turn On "Quality Time"

There is a fallacy afoot in the world. It is the statement that, "We give quality time to our kids." Baloney! It is impossible to turn on quality time. We adults can't turn on quality time with each other and it is even more impossible to do it with our children. There is TIME, period! There is not a person alive who owns the switch for turning on quality time.
Science and research have told us very little about how mankind learns language. It is still quite a mystery just exactly how humans acquire language and how we are able to use it in such a universally powerful manner. However, there are a few things that we do know.

All Humans Speak a Language

First, all humans in every culture speak some sort of language. In France, people speak French. In China, people speak Chinese. In Japan, people speak Japanese. In Mexico, people speak Spanish. In The United States, people predominantly speak English. There are as many languages as there are cultures.

Second, it is even quite easy to identify a region of a country by the particular accent used by the people of one culture who live in different areas. “Y’all c’mon back and see us!” can distinguish a person as being from a Southern State, while “Paak your Caa!” can just as easily identify a person as being from a region in the Northeastern United States! Ending a sentence with “Hey,” can just as easily identify one as being from North Dakota, Wisconsin or a country known as Canada!

We All Speak the Language We are Exposed To!

But here is the final and most important thing that we know about the learning of language; acquisition of language is not genetically determined. Take a French child and raise her in a Japanese home and she will speak Japanese. Raise a Japanese child in a Chinese home and he will speak Chinese. Raise American twins in a Japanese home and they will both speak Japanese but separate them at birth and raise one in Japan and one in Mexico and you will find two kids that look identical but speak different languages; one speaking Japanese and the other speaking Spanish!
We speak the language that we are exposed to! Language is a learned behavior. We learn the language that we hear!

Love Is a Language

I will propose to you that Love is a language! If we are not exposed to it, we will not speak it! 29 years in the American Public Schools has taught me that there are many kids being raised in our country who do not speak the language of love. What I mean by this is that I found that telling a child of 15 that you care about him/her could often not be understood because the child does not speak that language. I might as well have told the child something in a foreign language because it is just as difficult for the child to understand.

If we wish to have our children speak the language of love, we must expose them to that language, daily!

Over the next few days I will be writing about some of the key methods that parents can use to send messages of love to their children.

Stay tuned!