Showing posts with label self-directed children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-directed children. Show all posts

July 02, 2007

Parenting Classes in Prisons? Why?

Parenting Classes in Prisons

A remarkable woman, who is intensely interested in parenting issues, recently contacted me about our well established DVD Parenting with Dignity Curriculum. This lady is the dedicated mother of an inmate in the New York State Corrections system. Her son is a fine young man who made one terrible mistake!

She tells me that recently the State of New York has made a rather significant change in the direction of incarceration from being mostly a punitive system to one that is aiming at rehabilitation. I commend New York State for this change. Parenting with Dignity is quite active in some other Correctional Facilities in a number of other states that also have a similar rehabilitative approach toward incarceration. Many of these institutions offer a wide variety of programs for inmates to earn the right to attend educational curriculum which offer huge opportunities for inmates to profit greatly from their time in prison. (This lady's son is now pursuing a college degree via correspondence while he is serving his time.)

PW Has Success in a Prison Setting

The directors of Educational Programs of many of those other institutions tell us that our Parenting with Dignity Curriculum is very positively received by their inmate populations. They tell us that our Parenting with Dignity Curriculum is about the only program they can put on a DVD player and leave the room; and then upon return, the participants are either still watching intently or have stopped the DVD, and are discussing the material presented! As a matter of fact a number of the prisons are running our program as a peer-run and peer-facilitated curriculum!

Our Well Designed and Extremely "User-Friendly" Website

If you would like to see a little bit about what we do, our website is: http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/. If you do visit our particularly well designed website, I would like to suggest that you place your pointer over the word HOME in the Menu across the top of the Home Page. When the drop-down menu appears select the TAKE THE TOUR option that is highlighted in orange. (Or you can just click on this link: http://parentingwithdignity.com/tour/index.htm )

When you do that, the website will take you on a short tour of our program to allow you to see, in some detail, what the curriculum is all about. Please note that you can preview a short segment of each lesson at the page labeled DVD Series ( http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/index.htm ) .

The Parenting with Dignity Philosophy for raising self-reliant children is based upon the simple truth that children will make ALL of the big decisions in their lives. So it is the premise of Parenting with Dignity that in order to effectively raise children, parents must teach them how to make good decisions!

I believe that the reason that the course is so well received by prison inmates is that they realize the consequences of poor decisions! And, they are intrigued by the manner in which the course teaches parents how to teach children to make good decisions. As a matter of fact, while in the process of thinking about how they might teach good decision-making to their children, many of the inmates, for the first time in their lives, seem to engage in the task of teaching themselves to make good decisions!

April 23, 2007

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #5

PRACTICALITY - "This job needs doing... by you."

One of the most hirable skills in today's world is the ability to see a job that needs doing, to be able to figure out a way to do it efficiently... and then TO DO IT.

Give your children the gift of this unique skill of identifying jobs that need doing and the ability to do those jobs cheerfully with little or no supervision! You can give this skill to your children by giving them jobs to do (simple at first) and then getting out of their way and letting them do the whole job, start to finish.

Start early. If your children are still just toddlers give them simple chores to do and then let them do them. Do not start out by saying, “My kids will not do work because they are lazy!” or anything like that. Hold high expectations for them to complete the jobs and then work beside them or near them so they can imitate your manner of working at a task to completion.

As a child I learned more about how to do a task by watching my father work than I did from any explanation he ever gave me. When he did give instructions they were far more ideas about my capability to work independently than they were about how to do the job. I remember when I was first given the job of raking hay on our ranch. On my first day on the job within the first few hours I had the tractor and rake stuck! I had the front wheels in a ditch and the hind wheels of the rake caught in a fence. When Dad came into the field to see what was keeping me from raking, I will never forget what he said to me.

A Lesson From Dad

He walked over to me and said, “Huh, I thought a little feller with your intelligence would have figured out how to get this tractor unstuck! In case you didn’t know it… you are the brains in this outfit! If this tractor had the smarts to run itself I would have left it out here to work by itself. The next time you are in a fix… THINK! You can figure out situations like this!”

Give Your Kids a Gift... "Think!"

Then he said, “Watch this!” He picked up an old fence post lying nearby and put it in the ditch behind the front wheels. Then he began to back the tractor up while shouting over the noise of the engine, “See how those wheels of the rake are dropping as the front wheels climb onto the post? The next time you are in a pickle use your head!”

I find myself doing that even today. My dad’s words echo in my head as I write this article. “THINK!” Dad gave me the amazing gift of believing in my ability to think and reason things out for myself. He knew how to fix the problem but what he wanted for me was for to be able to figure out how to solve the problem. Those are such different things! Teaching a child how to do something verses teaching a child how to figure out how to do something for themselves!

Let Jobs Be Self-Rewarding!

As your children complete a job, let the satisfaction of completing it be the payoff. It will not be necessary for you to offer lavish praise. A simple statement from you like, "Nicely done, you did that complete job without any help. Doesn't it feel great to do things on your own? It buys you a big bunch of respect and it buys lots of freedom to do things on your own because I do not feel the need to check up on you."

If your children are older and do not seem to be able to do any job on their own and also seem unwilling to do any job on their own, do not become discouraged! Just like them, you have a job to do. THINK! Reason out some ways YOU can start teaching this child how to figure out a way to do a job! You can do it. Your job may be a little tougher since the child is older, but start today. Every day you wait just means the job becomes more difficult!

Decision Making!

Following are some ideas to get you started. First off, with an older child, explain to them what you are trying to do. Tell them the truth! “I have waited too long to begin to show you the amazing abilities you have but I want to start today. I would like for you to organize your room today. I will be available to help you but I want you to organize your room so that it works for you.”

Just think about this from your child’s point of view. Imagine how different it will sound to the child. Rather than saying, “Your room is such a mess. I often wonder how you can stand to live in there!” Think about how your child will feel when you express your confidence in their ability to organize their room.

Ask your children to change or limit their behavior because you have the confidence in their abilities. It is practical and it is very wise to be a positive wizard in your child’s life by showing them how to use their own abilities!

April 06, 2007

Getting Children to Adjust Their Behavior #3

"Help! I can't do this without you!"

Ok, we are ready for the third of these articles about getting children to decide to act in appropriate ways and to choose to adjust their behavior to suit your expectations for them. Now let’s remember that as parents we are never in control of our children’s behavior. They are!

With that understanding we then must view any change we attempt to make in their behavior to be a process of teaching children to choose the behavior we deem to be desirable. Their change in behavior will be the result of our efforts to lead them to appropriate and approved choices.

Now, please do not misinterpret what I am saying here. I do believe that parents have the right to ask for children to simply be obedient and do what their parents ask them to do. However, obedience also must be taught. Children can learn to simply obey their parents but obedience is dangerous because it does not teach children what to do when there is no one there to make their decisions for them and tell them what to do!

So here we go with the third reason to give children for them to use in choosing to adjust their behavior to match with our expectations.

HELP - "I can't do this without your help!" Many times a simple request for help will work wonders as a limit upon a child's behavior. Think about it . . . when you ask your kid for help you are sending very important messages.

First, you are saying, "You are a very capable person. Look, I'm giving you an important task to do!" So many people have gotten a much distorted view of the term self-esteem. If you have read or listened to much of the Parenting with Dignity material you have most likely noticed that I very rarely use the term and there is a sound reason for this… I do not use it because of the many distorted and varied definitions that so many parents have of self-esteem!

That being said, I honestly believe that almost nothing will allow a child to hold a wonderful opinion of themselves than being treated like they are valued people! Asking for help says that loud and clear to a child!

When I was a child my father took me out in the hay field and he told me that he needed my help. I always reflect back on that day as a pivotal day for me. My dad needed my help. I don believe that I had ever felt so important or valued. Dad had a way with words. I will never forget what he said that day, “Kid, you are the brains on this job! I need you to think!” It was pretty nasty work but I eagerly attacked it because it was a sign that my contribution was important! Give that feeling to your children.

Next, you are saying, "You are a trusted person because this job requires that I trust you." Give your children a job and then let them do it. Buck Minor, the cowboy on our ranch, did this repeatedly with me as I grew up. He would give me a job to do and then he would leave and let me do it. Sometimes I would make a mess or leave part of the job uncompleted. He would not come unglued or angry. He would just give me a pointer, let me know that he really needed me to do the job and then let me try again.

I can tell you that I draw on that confidence I was taugh as a child by having people like my Dad and Buck let me know that they needed me. I believe that there are so many children in today’s culture who have never been told that they are needed. Telling them that you need themj and actually treating them like they are needed are really two very different things.

Then, you are saying, "I need you, and my life would be extremely difficult without you and therefore I have come to you, of all the people I know, to ask for help." Asking a child for help confirms for them that in your family, everyone has value. Letting children know that their family needs them will be a springboard for the rest of their life.

Give your children this feeling of being a valued part of the family often. Giving children tasks to do can be just work if it is presented that way. However, if a job is presented as something that needs ot be done and the child might be the only one who can do it well the job can be fulfilling and it confirm self-worth!

Finally, you are saying, "A family is a place where we all participate simply because we need each other!" Don't be surprised if your child starts to turn to you in times of stress and need soon after you have modeled that behavior for him or her. Treating them like valued people in a tight and mutually dependant family will build trust in the child to share difficult times with you.

If you want your child to trust you, it is necessary to trust them first. Trust s a mutual event! Going to your children and telling them that you need them is a great first step in showing that you trust them.

Let your children know that you need their help. Do not be surprised if you find that you actually do! Most parents who experience difficulties in getting children to do jobs around the home suffer from a lack of trus in their children to do the job!

March 27, 2007

A “Quick Fix for Misbehavin’ Kids” ?

The "Fiction" of a Quick Fix?

Ever since I began teaching parenting skills almost 30 years ago, one of the most common fallacies that I have encountered is the mistaken idea in the heads of so many parents that there is some great “Quick Fix” for raising kids that are well behaved, self-assured and well adjusted. There is no short cut! Raising kids who are self-assured, well adjusted, self-directed and well behaved requires that parents make permanent and reasoned changes in the way that parents relate to their children!

Just Like Fad Diets

In the same way that fad diets help people to lose weight, only to regain it immediately; “Quick-Fix” parenting techniques usually result in failure to bring about long-term and meaningful changes in the behaviors of children.

The key to making the Parenting with Dignity Program (or any other parenting program) work lies in permanently changing the manner in which parents communicate with and relate to their children! In our program there are assignment sheets that go with each lesson. To make the program work in your family and in your community, every parent in class must do the assignments with their own children during the week between classes. There is no short cut.

There Will Be Difficulties!

Then, after actually doing the assignment, in class the following week, the parents must begin class by discussing the results of their attempts at using the skills taught in the last lesson. It is obvious to me after years of working with parents that there will be some difficulties in these attempts at changing family interaction and family communication. Most often the parents in the class will find that they learn more from the things that they try and that don't work than they learn from the things that do work! In the process of correcting the things that don’t work they will be internalizing their own skills and thoughts.

Permanent Change Is the Real Time-Saver!

In addition, many classes find that as their class reaches the second week, the discussion takes so much time that they postpone some or all of class two in order to discuss the results from the first lesson. In doing this they may find that it takes longer to complete the course, but... in the long run the permanent changes that they make will ultimately save time as they move into using what they have learned in their lives with their children.

The key to changing the behavior of children lies in the ensuing weeks, months, and years. The changes that parents make in their thinking, actions, and behavior must become permanent. There is no short cut to permanent change. The new way of thinking and acting must become a way of life.

Now, over the months and years, parents will save lots of time for themselves if they take the time to permanently change their behavior early in their lives as parents but there is no short cut to that saving of time. A child who is taught to feed herself with regard to acceptable manners and a well balanced diet will be much easier to live with at seventeen. Ther will be a considerable saving of time over the years, but it si not a quick fix. Once the idea of appropriate manners and eating healthily is well established in both the mind of the parent and child, it will only take occasional reminders and reinforcement spaced over time to maintain the desired behavior in later stages of maturation and development.

Remember this simple adage: “It takes no more time to develop a good habit than it takes to develop a bad habit!” However, there is one thing to remember about bad habits… to erase a bad habit takes lots of time; and then… you still must spend more time to develop a new and desirable habit. If there is a “Quick Fix” to use in raising children it lies in making permanent changes and developing good habits as early a possible! Often, it takes more time to teach children the desired behavior at the very beginning; but if you start immediately developing good habits in your children those behaviors will last a lifetime!

Now, if you have waited until your kids are in their teens to begin to teach effective decision making skills, it may take more time to develop the good habits in your children; but, every day that you put off starting means that it will just take that much longer when you actually do begin!

In closing, what I am saying is that the only “Quick Fix” for effective parenting lies in starting right now, TODAY, to make permanent change!

The quick fix in parenting lies in not waiting to start making permanent change!

February 02, 2007

We Can Teach Our Children

Examining What Works


A little examination of two behaviors, which are learned almost universally by all Americans, reveals some shocking information about the effectiveness of some of the teaching techniques that we choose to use to educate our children.

In the last six months I have been conducting a little informal survey as I travel across America, and it has yielded some very interesting and very thought provoking data. I hope that sharing this information with you might stimulate some serious thought about what you choose to teach your children and especially some thought about some of the techniques that we all use in teaching life's important lessons to the next generation.

During this six month time period I have asked literally tens of thousands of Americans if they know how to ride a bicycle and I have found only seven people whom cannot ride a bike! We have universally taught almost 100% of all Americans to ride bikes.

I have also asked that same large sample of Americans if they wrapped presents at Christmas and gave them to loved ones, and I have found only thirteen men and seven women whom did not perform that loving task! (And it was not because they did not know how, but rather because they had decided not to for moral or religious reasons.)

Looking at Learned Behaviors
Honesty, Integrity, Diligence?

So, you say, “what has amazed you about this data?” Simply this… bike-riding and present-wrapping-at-Christmas are both learned behaviors! You are probably still saying, "so what?" Well, it appears to us that we, as a society, are doing a masterful job of teaching both of those behaviors with almost total universality! We have succeeded in teaching almost everyone in America to ride bikes and wrap presents at Christmas! And yet, we have left other, seemingly much more critical behaviors like honesty, integrity, teamwork, compassion, reliability, respect for private property, respect for diversity, diligence, love, manners, and many other critical behaviors, to be taught much less universally and much less effectively!

It has occurred to us that it might be interesting to examine both of those behaviors (bike-riding and present-wrapping) to see why we are so successful in teaching those activities. And, more importantly, perhaps we could learn a little bit more about being more successful at teaching life's more critical lessons.
Why Do We Succeed in Teaching?

How do we teach kids to ride bikes? They do not learn to ride bikes by reading a manual. They do not learn to ride a bike by listening to us talk about how to do it. And, they surely do not learn to ride a bike by watching us do it! Kids learn to ride bikes when we put them on the seat, put the handlebars in their hands, and turn them loose! They learn by experience! And, maybe even more important, they want to learn because we paint such an exciting picture of how great it will be when they master the fun activity.
How Do We Succeed When the First Attempt Fails?
And what do we do when they tip over or fall down? We pick them up, dust them off, give them encouragement and instruction and then we put them right back on the seat, give them an “I know you can do it this time!” then give them a shove to try again. Sometimes we might give them some training wheels or run along beside them to offer occasional assistance but the learning comes because they are on the seat with the handlebars in their hands.

How well do you think that kids would do at learning to ride bikes, if the first time they fell off we ran to them, scolded them for falling off, and then told them how disappointed we were with their failure, took the bike away, grounded them for three weeks, and sent them to their rooms to think about how to ride a bike. Do you think that technique would bring about a society with only a few people in thousands who cannot ride bikes? I sincerely doubt it.
Let's Learn From What Works!

Why, then, do we think that we can teach responsibility by scolding kids, grounding them and taking away further chances for being responsible and sending them to their room? Shouldn't we "put 'em back on the seat?" Should we not "pick them up, dust them off, give them some encouragement and instruction in responsibility and then, as soon as possible, give them another chance to be responsible?"

Should not a child who has acted cruelly to another child be given instruction in kindness, encouragement that we believe in their kind nature, and then, immediately be given another opportunity to be kind?
How Do We Motivate Children To Learn?

Now, let's take a quick look at present-wrapping and gift exchanging at Christmas. Why are we so successful at teaching this rather complex and wonderful act of love, kindness, joy, and sharing? We succeed at this task for many of the same reasons that we succeed in teaching kids to ride bikes… we let kids learn by experience. Even before they are old enough to understand much about what is happening to them, we begin letting them experientially know about gifts by giving them some. We continue to let them have experience by giving them gifts every year and then as soon as possible we let them experience the thrill of giving from the other side of the coin by helping them to wrap gifts for others. On top of all that experience, we make present-wrapping into a huge pageant of excitement. We start counting down the days until the big day… "Only 72 shopping days left." Our whole society talks, with excitement and anticipation, about the Christmas Spirit and the magic of the upcoming event. And, SURPRISE, they all end up gladly participating in the behavior every year.

What if we, as a total society, were to celebrate ethnic diversity with the same degree of joy, ceremony, anticipation, and enthusiasm as we assign to giving gifts at Christmas? Interesting to ponder what might happen in the next generation.

We believe that a simple adjustment in priorities by our society might bring about some amazing and welcome changes in the behavior of the youth in America. (Hey, it might even bring some welcome changes in adult behaviors.) I believe that we as parents, and as a society as a whole, can do this if we choose to, but to make the change, communities like yours all across this great land must commit to it. What behaviors would you like to see being taught universally in your community?

January 26, 2007

The Greatest Teacher I Have Ever Known

My Best Friend

My best friend for thirty-two years was an amazing man by the name of John Matau. He was a teacher!

When I first met him I was on my visit to Kittitas High School to interview for my first full time teaching job. His room was right next to the Principal’s Office and while I was doing my interview, I could hear the laughter of students through the cinder-block walls that separated the office from John’s classroom.

After my interview, I walked to the door of that classroom and peeked in to see what all the laughter was about. The guy in front of the room was playing some kind of a game with his students and it was obvious that everyone in the room was engaged in what was going on. It was near to the lunch hour and the principal had invited me to stay for lunch. I decided to stay and vowed to try to meet this teacher who was having so much fun with the kids.

Learning Can Be Fun

Well, I did not have to wait long to meet the fellow… he walked out of his room when the bell rang, came over and introduced himself to me and invited me to go to the cafeteria to eat lunch. He said it was a bit of a walk but it would be worth it because the menu was for hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes that day. He said the cooks did a wonderful job with this lunch, and they always made fresh bread so it would be a great meal!

The cafeteria and lunchroom were in the grade school, and when we arrived there was a long line of students waiting for lunch. I showed him the ticket the principal had given me and mentioned that he told me that teachers and guests could eat without waiting in line. John’s response was simply, “Would never do it!” So… we went to the end of the line and waited our turn to eat with all of the students.

When I arrived home that afternoon I told my wife I had met the most amazing fellow at my job interview. He seemed to be a truly unique teacher! I told her that if I was lucky enough to get that job, I was going to get to know this guy and try to figure out why his classroom seemed to be so much fun! I told my wife that he just might be my best friend that I had not yet met! Little did I know the meaning of those words?

John rapidly became my best friend. I, too, became his best friend and we remained as such for thirty-two years. I guess he is still my best friend, we just don’t get to spend much time together since he died of cancer almost four years ago.

The Best Teacher

I want to tell you why I call John Matau the best teacher that I have ever known. John believed that education should be fun for all kids, not just for the most talented or gifted. He had run away from home at twelve and he told me simply he always tried to make his class into a place for kids like himself! He wanted the wild and unruly kids to have a place to learn too. I found that the “normally-good” students liked his classes because he made learning fun for them too.

John and I taught and coached together for four years there at Kittitas. I learned from that guy every day. John taught me that there was a place for every boy on a team so we invited every boy to be involved with our team in some way. We all learned the position of manager or equipment guy as is essential to the success of the game of football as are the players.

After four years together went our separate ways and taught and coached in different communities. John returned to the town of Elma, where he had graduated from high school, and I accepted an opportunity to try coaching at the college level… but our friendship seemed to grow with the physical distance. We shared our many experiences with kids and I continued to learn from John at every turn. I think he learned from me too and most of all we learned together. We loved kids and we were both proud to call ourselves teachers. Most of all, we, together realized what an awesome responsibility it was to be called “Teacher” or “Coach” by one of our students.

I watched John teach at every opportunity. I learned that while teachers must never cross the line and become buddies with their students, they could earn a special place among students by never considering themselves superior to them. I always ate school lunch in the cafeteria like John did and I always waited in line with the kids, even though every school I worked in offered teachers a separate line where they were served ahead of the kids. I always wrote my telephone number on the board the first day of school so that if any of my students wanted or needed some kind of help, I could be easily reached.

Now to get to the meat of this story… John and I got to teach and coach in the same district again down in Walla Walla, Washington. In my last year of teaching in that great school district, John told me that he had harbored a dream for years of building a school that was dedicated to his beliefs about teaching! Charter Schools had just become a new possibility and the concept of building a different kind of school got John to thinking.

The Courage to Try Something New

He went to the Administration and asked permission to build a school there in Walla Walla. By this time John had become Vice Principal at the local high school and he was becoming disillusioned by the common practice of letting kids drop out of school. He was even more alarmed at the practice of kicking kids out of school for attendance and behavior problems. When John talked about these kids being out on the street with no education, I always watched his eyes fill with tears.

As I saw his tears, I would reflect back upon his statement at Kittitas, when he told me he wanted his classroom to be a place for kids like himself; the wild and unruly. However, we had talked so often about how we wished the world could be different, that I just thought this dream of building a new kind of school was another bit of wishful thinking on John’s part.

I was so amazed when John Matau actually received permission to build his own school. I will not go through all of the red tape and hoops he jumped through to build his school, however I will share with you how his school was able to succeed with kids that the formal educational system had failed.

Why His School Worked!

First, John named this school The Opportunity Program, simply because that was what it was… an opportunity to succeed for kids who had never been given a chance!

To build his school, the district simply said that he could not recruit students from the traditional high school or middle school, and he could not recruit his students from the already existing alternative school. He could only recruit students off of the streets who were not in school. Also, he was told that his funding would come from the exact formula that governed the rest of the schools in the district. He would only get funding based upon the number of FTE’s (Full time Equivalent Students) that he had in attendance at his school.

John based his school on a couple of basic ideas. 1. The bar would be lowered for no one! Excellence would be the standard. However, he also said that 2. This school would be built and run for the convenience of the students rather than the convenience of the adults running it!

The Opportunity Program opened at 6:00 A.M. and did not close until midnight. Teachers came and went to meet with the schedules created by the students. (I know, I was a doubter too until I saw this school operate!)
He Treated Students with Respect and Dignity!

Now here is where John really broke with convention… when a potential student was located and came for a visit to see what this school was like, they were immediately escorted in to meet with John, the principal of the school. John would then take the potential student into his office to a huge calendar on his wall and he would ask the student to tell him what time would be most convenient for them to have their entrance interview. He would point to the calendar and say, “You tell me what day works best for you and you tell me what time of day or night works best for you and I will be here. However, you must pick a time when you are willing to give me two hours of your time! I will make time for you but you must give me two hours of your time.”

Once the date was scheduled, John would give the potential student one of his business cards with the selected time for the meeting written on the back, and tell the young person that if something came up he would like a call, in advance, to let him know that there needed to be a change in the time of the appointment. He also offered that if the student needed a ride to the appointment, they could just call that number and he would gladly provide transportation.
Be Your Best You

The only requirement he made of the student was that on the day of the appointment he expected all prospective students, “to show up here on time, and bring your best YOU! That means that you do not have to show up looking or dressing like me. You do not need to conform to my standards but you must conform to the highest standards that you set for yourself!”

The original Opportunity Program was in rented space in the basement of a house owned by a neighborhood church. In one year John’s school had so outgrown that space that the Opportunity Program moved into a vacant building that had once been a super market.

When a student would come for the entrance appointment they would find John, the Principal of their new school, waiting out on the sidewalk or in the parking lot to meet them. John was always dressed very professionally in a suit and tie for these occasions and he would run to meet the kid with his hand outstretched for a handshake. John would always call the student by name and tell him/her how glad he was to see her/him.
Treat Them Like They Are Special...
and They Will Act Like They Are Special!

Next they would go into the school where John would take the kid on a tour of the facilities. The student would be introduced as if he/she were being interviewed for a CEO position in a Fortune 500 Corporation! John’s introductions consisted of stating the name of the teacher or staff member and then telling the staff member all about the new student. (Are you noticing a different emphasis already? We can tell kids that they are important but our actions speak much louder than our words ever could.)

Then John would escort the student into his office where he would offer a cup of coffee, a glass of juice, or a cookie. He would offer the student one of the comfortable chairs in his office and he would sit in another chair just like the student’s chair. (Are you beginning to see a trend of treating the student as an important person?)

John would then pick up a clipboard and a pen and the interview would begin. John would ask the student first to list for him any Personal Goals that she/he might have. Many students were caught off guard by this manner of questioning and most had really never thought much about personal goals. If the student seemed to be stumped, John would produce a big sheet with some of the personal goals that had been submitted by other students. Honesty, integrity, laughter, self-worth, a family, and so on. This sheet ran the gamut from wanting a good job to wishing to be a rock musician.

After writing down any of these goals the student had offered or picked, John would tell the student that he would type this list of goals for the student to have for permanent records and that he would always have a copy of the goals in the student’s personal folder there in his office.

Next, John would turn the questioning to the student’s Professional (or Career) Goals. He would ask the student where they saw themselves in ten, twenty, or thirty years. What job would you like to have? How much money would you like to make? What kind of a house would you like to live in? Just like with the personal goals, if the student seemed stumped, John would offer a big sheet of possibilities. Once the potential student had selected some professional goals John said the same about these. He would type up a copy of them, give a copy to the student, and keep a copy of them in the student’s permanent file. He also pointed out that these were the exclusive property of each student and that they could and would be changed at any time that the student wished!

Then John would then turn the conversation to Educational Goals. “What would you like to get from your education?” he would ask. Most of the time this question would really throw the interviewee for a loop. Most of these kids had never thought much about what they personally wanted from an education. When prompted with a list of some ideas many students would open up and admit that they really could not read very well and they would like to learn to read! Others were very specific in simply wanting a diploma. A few would even own up to having a dream of someday attending college. John wrote them all down with the same promise to type them and have them available to the student at any time, simply to look at, to change, add to, or modify!

While the student was in the beginning of the interview John would take a picture of the prospective student with his digital camera. While the interview was being conducted, one of the Opportunity Staff would take the picture, blow it up and make a poster of it. Under the picture would be typed the student’s name. Below the student’s name would be placed one of each of their sets of goals: a Personal Goal, a Career Goal, and a Professional Goal.

By the time that the interview was over the poster would be placed on the "Wall of Fame" next to all of the other students in the Opportunity Program, with the promise that it would remain there until the student asked to have it removed.

Now do you see why I say that John was the best teacher I ever met? When I would visit his school and talk with his students I would always ask them why they were succeeding in this school when they had failed in other schools and they would always answer with a few common answers; “This is the first school where they asked me what I wanted!” or “This is the first school where anyone actually cared enough to know my name!” or “This is the first school where I have been treated with respect for who I am.” or “I can still work to support my baby and also go to school here.”
A Demand for Excellence!

Now go back for a moment and reflect upon something that I said earlier about John’s premise for the school. “We will lower the bar for nobody!” He set up a school that honored and recognized every student and their different needs and different goals. His school saw each student as important and unique yet his school demanded the same level of excellence that the traditional school did! Often his school’s standards were even higher! And he was getting this excellence from students who had never before succeeded in school. What was the difference? Very simply, he had done as he said he would; this school was built for the convenience of the students! This school treated its' students as if they were capable of excellence and the students rose to match those expectations!

A number of times the Opportunity Program was challenged by the traditional educational community because many doubted that the Opportunity Program could be achieving the excellence they were reporting. I was there one day when a few members from the high school were there challenging John on how he could be awarding full credit for a course offered at the traditional high school. John simply replied, “I don’t know, but we are using your curriculum guide, your Student Learning Objectives, and your tests. If you would like to review any of our student’s work we operate on the “portfolio method” of evaluation here. So, if you would like, we can pull out the work of any student taking a course you feel is not being properly taught or evaluated and you could show us where we are falling short. As a matter of fact, one of our biggest tasks is evaluating our students’ work, so if you feel that our standards are not high enough, we would welcome having any of you come and help us to evaluate our students’ work!”

It is amazing to note that in every year John ran that school, they had a minimum of 95 students who had been cast aside as unfit for school by our traditional school system, but who were now working in pursuit of high school diplomas. As a result of John’s demand, all of his graduates walked across the stage along with students who had attended the traditional high school and received the real High School Diplomas they had earned from the Walla Walla School District.

Great teachers meet every student where they are and take them as far as they can go. Sometimes those teachers reach beyond what has always been done to meet the needs of their students.

John was forced to retire by his bout with cancer. Almost four years after his death, the Opportunity Program still is a living monument to the dedication of the best teacher I have ever been privileged to know.




November 29, 2006

What Parents Do For Kids!

A Wonderful Holiday Experience

Last year, Barbara and I had a wonderful experience that started our Christmas Holidays off on such a great note that I want to share it with you during this year’s Holiday Season. Following a late morning appointment we stopped for breakfast at a local restaurant. The most cheerful and smiling gentleman waited us on. While making the usual small talk, he mentioned that as soon as he got off work at the restaurant he was going to his primary job as a meat cutter at the local grocery store. The fellow looked about my age so I said, “Wow, two jobs? You must be putting a kid or two through college!”

His answer brought tears to our eyes! “I have seven kids… but only two still at home! Five are out on their own now, and supporting themselves. The two still at home are in college now. Won’t be too long before I won’t need to work two jobs!” And to me, the key was that he said all of this with that ever present big grin!

A Parent’s Sacrifice? Hardly!

I said, “Wow, what a sacrifice!”

In his answer we found an ace we could keep. He said, “It has not been a sacrifice at all, it has been worth every minute of the work. All of our kids are fantastic adults. One is a painter at the Chevrolet dealership in Whitefish, another has a construction business in Delaware, another is a teacher, another is a contractor, and the fifth is a Doctor! Oh that fifth one was amazing,” he said. “She had bad grades all through early days of school but then, one day in about the tenth grade, she just said she was going to become a doctor. She went to work, brought her grades up went to med school and now she IS a doctor! The last two are in college and it looks like we got lucky because all seven are going to turn out all right!”

No Luck Involved

“Sir, there is very little luck involved in how your kids turned out", I responded. “There was no accident in your home! The sacrifices you made on their behalf and the obvious work ethic you taught them is the reason that they turned out to be fine adults!”

This hardworking man, clearly, was a living lesson to his kids. Yes, he worked two jobs, but he did so gladly and cheerfully. Through his cheerful willingness to work hard in order to provide for them, he obviously had taught his kids to be their own miracles. None of them were raised to just sit and wait for luck, or good fortune to land on their doorstep. Each had been taught that they would become what they chose to become, and that each would get just about what they decided to work to achieve. It was interesting to us to observe that this loving father did not seem to place any more or less value or pride in the various professions of his kids. He was obviously, equally proud of the unique accomplishments of each child.

A lesson Taught by a Working Father

Another lesson he seemed to be teaching us was that parents must never give up on kids. Keep teaching them and eventually they will get the message. The daughter with the poorest track record in early school eventually went the furthest with formal education. As he put it, “I just never gave up on believing in her! I knew that someday she would find her dream!”

As he talked of his kids his eyes filled with tears and his permanent smile just got bigger. That father is a man who will probably go to his grave with little of material value to show for all of his long hours of work… but he will go to his grave a rich, rich man! He was important in the lives of his children. He delights in the really important things in life; his kids and his family!

So why do I share this experience about this simple, loving, hardworking man with you parents? Because his life is a living lesson to all of us; that loving, teaching, supporting, and believing in your kids is a wonderful way to find real meaning in life! I believe that parents who focus on the positives in their children while continuing to teach, teach, teach by word, deed, and example will find their days filled with a lot more joy and a lot less stress.

When it is all said and done, about the only footprint any of us will ever leave on the world will lie in what we have taught to our children.