Single Parenting - Don't be a Single

One Bit of Wisdom for Single Parents

A few weeks ago I wrote a few articles that put forth the idea that good parenting is good parenting no matter whether the parent is single or whether there is an active partner. My point was simple; good parenting is good parenting, and that it does not matter whether the parent is single or not.

I still believe that is true! However I do have one piece of advice for single parents… and yet, even this piece of advice can also be used just as effectively by two-parent homes!

Don’t Go it Alone!

As I have said many times in these articles, being a successful and loving parent requires that you think and plan; that you have the confidence to build a parenting strategy that fits your unique personality and the personality of your children. Your plan ought to fit your moral, ethical, and spiritual beleifs. Your plan ought to be constructed so that it preserves the dignity of both you and your children.

That being said, there is no one person who could ever have all of the answers to every problem that might face you and your family!

Help Your Children to Build a Team!

When we were raising our two sons, there were just times when we needed some help or some new perspective in order to be the best parents we could be. We made sure that we had a team of people who cared about and loved our boys. We made sure that our boys knew that we encouraged that they seek out help and advice from others that we all trusted and respected; Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles, coaches, teachers, counselors, pastors, and youth leaders. We let our boys know that we not only approved of them seeking advice and help from these people; we encouraged it!

There were times when some of those other wise folks gave our sons needed help and advice that the boys were simply not comfortable coming to us to get. Give your children the same option. Help them to pick out members of their “Advice Team!”

“Single-Parent” Does NOT Mean “Alone-Parent!”

This concept may be especially applicable to single parents. If you are a single Mom, find some men to join your team to give advice and help to your kids. If you are a single dad, find some trusted women to offer help and advice to your children.

Build Your Own Team as Well

So many parents seem to feel that in order to be a good parent, they must do everything for themselves… and nothing could be further from the truth. The best parents are the ones with lots of people that they can seek out for advice. Successful parents aren't reluctant to seek out the wisdom of others. They know that, when it is all said and done, the decisions about their family are up to them. But… before they make big decisions, there is plenty of wisdom out there that they can consider before those decisions are made.

Start a Parenting with Dignity Class

One of the best ways to develop a “Team of Advisors” to seek out for advice and help as you work to be the best parent that you can be is to start a Parenting with Dignity class! By starting a class you immediately have a whole group of parents who share your desire to be the best that they can be. The discussions during classes develop open channels for seeking advice in the future. Most people find that a parenting class becomes sort of like a support group.

Also, having some common understanding of the skills and the techniques of the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum makes it so much easier to openly discuss problems with other parents who have been through instruction in the same skills.

Starting a Parenting with Dignity Class is not as difficult as it might seem; and often the very best facilitators are parents who are going through the course for the first time! If you think that you might like to start a class, please click on this link ( http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/tape10f.htm ) and do some reading. If this sounds like something you might like to do, just go to our website and order a set of DVD’s and get started.

Parenting with Dignity on the Radio

Good News!

Many people have requested that we put the Parenting with Dignity Curriculum into an audio format. Well there is some good news for you if you are one of those people who would like to listen to some of the Parenting with Dignity tips and skills… Parenting with Dignity is now on an exciting new internet Radio Station!

You can go to http://www.whitefishradio.com/index.htm and listen to many segments of Parenting with Dignity tips and skills. Mac Bledsoe is a featured guest on this great family listening station and you can listen to the segments ON DEMAND!

If you will just click on this link: http://www.whitefishradio.com/SITE/2007/PWD/index.htm you can select the segment that you wish to listen to by clicking on the title that you want to hear.

Please keep checking back to that station because there will be more segments posted at regular intervals.

Mike Vick, Dog-Fighting, and Parenting Part 2

An Excerpt from "Parenting with Dignity" Book

Here is an excerpt from my book "Parenting with Dignity" that kind of puts in a nutshell how effective parenting skills can arm children against making the kind of terrible decisions that Mike has allegedly made.

Respect for Authority

"Do it because it's the law." Teach your children that a civilized world will always have rules and laws. Teach them that these are not an annoyance; they are an aid to us all. Rules and laws protect our rights, privileges, property, and safety. Explain to them that chaos would result from a society without stop signs, property laws, and rights to privacy, opportunity, expression, and freedom from injury. (Note that it is almost impossible to teach respect for laws and rules if your children see you violate those same rules and laws. You can't speed and then demand that your children drive the speed limit!)

This education about rules and laws can start at a very early age. It really works to point out to kids as young as four or five that a busy intersection simply would not be negotiable without traffic lights. I watch our son teach his kids the meaning of red, yellow, and green lights and how they protect all of us, and it's easy to see why, at three and four, they're able to negotiate intersections by looking at the lights and knowing how to decide when to stop and when to go.

As I work in juvenile prisons (and adult prisons, for that matter), it never ceases to amaze me how almost every kid who is in trouble with the law has little or no knowledge of the very law that they have violated! A child who has a knowledge of laws and an ability to use that knowledge to make decisions is far better equipped for successful living than a child who doesn't!

Check back for the next article as I will highlight some other portions of Parenting with Dignity and how it will help arm your children to make great decisions for themselves.

Mike Vick, Dog-Fighting, and Parenting

Finger of Blame

It is amazing to me to read the bulk of the writing and commentary that is coming about as a result of the whole legal issue of Mike Vick, his indictment for involvement in dog fighting, and the role of the law and the NFL in controlling his behavior. “Why is it amazing?” you ask. Well to me it is amazing simply because it seems to me that few seem to grasp the whole big picture. Everyone seems to be wanting to point a finger of blame at someone.

The Issue Is Parenting

To me this is really not about Mike Vick and dog fighting. To me this is an issue of great cultural significance because this seems to be evidence of a failure of our older generation in teaching the next generation the way that our democracy works in America.

The Issue Is Teaching Children to Respect Rules and Laws

We are a society of rules and laws! Freedom does not mean fewer laws. Freedom does not mean ignoring laws. Freedom does not mean living outside of the laws. Recently someone gave me a bumper sticker as a joke... but to me it was not a joke. It reads, "It's not guns, stupid; it is a lack of parenting!"

The problem in America is not one of more cops and stiffer penalties; it is clearly a problem of doing a better job of teaching our young people about our way of life. Democracy all starts with respect for the rules and laws we create. It simply does not work if we do not show respect for the rules and laws. Our children need to know that!

What freedom means is more laws! The more laws that you can live within the bounds of, the more freedom you have.

American Parents Have Shirked Their Duty

Our older generation (commonly called the “Baby Boomers”) taught the next generation, by their actions, that if there was something that we felt was wrong with our societies laws; all we had to do was to disobey the law! That is not how it works. That is not Democracy; that is Anarchy!

What a disservice we have done to our younger generation.

The problem with Mike Vick is a lack of parenting! Someone failed to teach him to live within the law. My issue is not specifically with Mike Vick's parents... it is with American parents in general. As a society, we Americans need to do a better job of teaching our children to obey rules and laws!

The Point of This Article

Now, like I said, the purpose of this article is not to point the finger of blame at Mike Vick’s parents. The point of this article is to say to every parent, "we need to pay attention to what we teach our younger generation!"

We Americans need to teach respect for rules and laws!

We need to teach respect for our process of making laws in our great nation. We need to teach our children to respect our way of government and to respect our leaders. We need to teach our young people that if we do not like our leaders and the way that they are leading our country, we need to vote them out of office and replace them with leaders who take us in a direction we want to go.

American Democracy Is Built To Allow Change

We need to teach the next generation of Americans that if there is something that they do not like about our structure of laws they must get involved on our system of representative government and work to change that part of the law that they disagree with.

Our forefathers set up a government with a built-in process for change and improvement. Few young Americans understand how that process even works.

Mike Vick, if he indeed was raising, training, and putting dogs in fights, needed some instruction about how our system works. If it is illegal to do something… don’t do it. If you feel that the law is wrong, work to change it but do not just ignore the law.

Missing the Point

It seems that most of the people writing about this unfortunate event seem to be saying that we need stiffer penalties for violators. They say that the problem is lax penalties and weak leaders in the NFL. They say that the problem is that athletes are paid too much. I say "NO!" to all of that… I say that what we need is better parental guidance.

In my book Parenting with Dignity and in our 9-week Parenting with Dignity course we teach parents how to teach their children respect for rules and laws. What America needs is more parents teaching their children respect for rules and laws! It is that simple.

Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why Young Adults Feel So Entitled

I read an interesting article by Jeff Zaslow the other day in the Wall Street Journal. I must say that I agree with some of what Jeff says in the article. If you too would like to read it, just click on this link: http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB118358476840657463.html?mod=blog

As the Author, Founder and President of the Parenting with Dignity Foundation and keeping in mind what we have created is a nine-week curriculum that teaches parenting skills, I was interested to read what he had to say about the manner in which children act in today's world. Our curriculum is based upon the unavoidable truth that children will make all of the big decisions in their own lives! In order to have the ability to make great decisions for themselves children must be taught HOW to make good decisions.

Finding Fault Bears Little Fruit

However, I am not quite as willing to blame everything that has gone wrong in the raising of American children on Mr. Rogers. I believe very strongly that our culture has such a distorted view of what the term Self-Esteem means that in two books and nine hours of video I rarely, if ever, even use the term! I agree with the Jeff Zaslow that many parents, educators, child psychologists, and others working with children today believe that they can create high self-esteem in their children by some artificial means of unfounded praise and by using terms like “special”.

That being said, I doubt that few parents learned their distorted view of what it takes to raise a self-directed and self-confident child from some guy in a sweater on a kid’s television program. Even if Mr. Rogers did overuse the term “special”, any application or misapplication of that concept in any family required a decision to do so on the part of the parents!

I believe that far too many adults in America speak of the younger generation as if they had nothing to do with them!

Pointing a finger of blame at some fellow on TV borders upon being ludicrous. Pointing the finger of blame at anyone, for that matter, is equally useless. The purpose of my statements here is not to point the finger of blame at anyone

Children Usually Do what They Have Been Taught

The truth of the matter is that most children do just about exactly what we taught them to do, and they give us just about exactly what we are willing to accept.

The burden of responsibility for how children act today lies directly upon the shoulders of the parents who raised them! Jeff Zaslow, the author of that article, seems to be simply jumping on the bandwagon and attempting to point out what is wrong with kids. But to me that is the problem... he gives almost no mention of even a possible solution. To him I would reply, “If you see a problem and you are not a part of the solution; you are one of the biggest part of the problem!”

A Solution
I firmly believe that the solution to the well identified problem outlined by Jeff Zaslow, lies in teaching parents HOW to teach their children to make good decisions for themselves!

Teaching children morals, values, ethics, and spiritual beliefs for use in making big and important decisions is the key.

The problem is that “orchestrating successful outcomes” for children early in life without teaching them how to make the decisions that result in those outcomes is fruitless. This is not Mr. Roger’s fault. It does not even matter who is at fault. Fixing blame rarely results in any meaningful change.

Solving the Problem is the Key Issue!

Education of parents is the critical action that will result in a change in the decisions and attitudes of the children of our nation and of the world. We must teach children how to make great decisions!

So many parents have accepted the fallacy that it is what they, the parents, know that will protect and guide their children and that is simply not true. It is what the children know and use to make decisions that will result in positive outcomes for those children. Whether the parent spanks their children or praises them is really of little consequence; it is what they teach them that results in the positive outcomes for the child.

Parenting with Dignity does just that! Parenting with Dignity does just that… it acknowledges that children will make all of the big decisions in their lives so, the curriculum gives simple and behaviorally described techniques for parents to use in teaching their children how to make big good decisions.

Summer Vacation Brings Battles Between Kids

A letter from a Mom that reflects a very common question at this time of year when kids are home on summer vacation:

Dear Mac,

I am taking your parenting course at work. I also just ordered the DVD set so I can share this with my husband and we can be on the same track.

We have an almost 7 year-old boy and 5 year-old and 9 month-old girls. We are trying to implement your ideas and strategies in our household but have been struggling with how to handle conflicts when they arise. These conflicts seem to have escalated with the onset of summer vacation and the kids being at home all week long.

I've read some of your other Blog postings dealing with similar topics...

Here's an example of something that happens often: the 7 year-old will hit or put his foot on his 5 year old sister (or something either hurtful or just generally irritating). A yelling and crying match follows between the two.

Before taking your parenting class, I would have previously talked to the children about what nice touches are and if not-so-nice touches were occurring I'd spank or do timeouts.

Now, we have come up with a “Family Bill of Rights” that involves the fact that everyone in our house can experience the fruit of the spirit (love) and we've talked specifically about what are nice touches (hugs, family kisses, hand on the shoulder, etc. and what are not).

When a physical altercation occurs between my 7 and 5 year old, I'm not sure what to do. I can't let someone get hurt, but I have decided not to spank and trying to teach them at that point is not going to work.

You've said that taking something away that is not related does not connect the dots for kids... We've had the kids pick privileges but you say not to be involved in taking them away...how does this happen with kids so young?

What's your advice? Also, I've had at least one MAJOR angry outburst with my oldest child since we've been doing the privileges and not spanking and I've never seen him angry like this (even with spanking) although he does get it over it quickly...

I'm either thinking this is touching nerves with him or it's not working...but I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong...

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

Frustrated Mom

Dear Mom,

Your children are lucky to have you for a mother! You are seeking to be the best parent that you can be… and therefore you will be!!

Now for some help with your very common problems.

I will offer some very general comments first and then I will deal with your specific situations that you mention in your letter.

Comment #1: One of the biggest failings that I see young parents making is that they wait until a conflict or a problem arises before they attempt to deal with it. In other words, they simply parent by crisis management. That usually does not work very well because when the conflict arises, the child is not in a mode where they can take instruction!

Here is a way that I try to explain this to many parents: Imagine for a moment that I have come to your house to teach you how to operate a new and fairly complicated software on your computer. Now, rather than giving you this instruction to while you are calm and have all of the children in bed and you are free to concentrate on what I am teaching you, let’s just imagine that I try to do the teaching as you are attempting to feed the children and also at the same time as you and your husband are having an argument over the bills. How well do you think that you would learn to use the new software if I approached my instruction at that time?

Timing Is the Issue

Well, basically that is what you are doing if you attempt to teach your children after a conflict has arisen. You need to teach them at some time BEFORE the conflict is going on! I am sure that if you stop and think just a little bit you can think up some scenarios where some of these conflicts arise. Now what you need to do is to apply Rule #1 from our Parenting with Dignity curriculum and teach your child what you want them TO DO in that type of a situation. Then apply Rule #3 and repeat your instruction a few times. If you are still not successful, remember the corollary to Rule #3 and find another way to teach the same behavior!

General Comment #2: I love your "Family Bill of Rights"! Now, you simply must teach them to your children in behavioral terms that they understand. Do not become discouraged if they do not master it on the first explanation. Just like the example of teaching you to use a software program... it will most likely take a few repetitions.

Next, you need to apply our Rule #4 and get them to say it for themselves. Saying “enjoy the fruit of the spirit” works for you and me but I doubt that a five-year-old or a nine-year-old would attach much meaning to that term. Explain what behavior you “expect the next time” they are in a similar situation and then have them repeat it back to you. Even better, have them demonstrate the desired behavior to you. Remember that what you are attempting to do is to program their minds with the “ideas that you want to rule their worlds and to dictate their choices to act in an appropriate manner. This approach may take longer but let me toll you, It will save time and effort in the long run… and of most importance; this approach will work when you are not there to enforce good decisions about using appropriate behavior!

General Comment #3: Many people misinterpret our program to be about replacing positive rewards (what you call privileges) in place of punishment or negative consequences. This is a mistaken perception. The goal is to raise children who are capable of making great decisiions for themselves; decisions that are NOT dependent upon your reward or punishment. Decisions reached like this will insure that your kids will make these same good decisions when you are not there to mske the decisions for them!

Now with those general comments please refer to the text of your message below for my specific comments.

Specific Comments:

Mac, I am taking your parenting course at work. I also just ordered the DVD set so I can share this with my husband and we can be on the same track.


Like I said, your children are very lucky to have you folks as their parents! Your studies will reap great rewards over the long haul.


We have an almost 7 year old boy and 5 year-old and 9 month-old girls. We are trying to implement your ideas and strategies in our household but have been struggling with how to handle conflicts when they arise. These conflicts seem to have escalated with the onset of summer vacation and the kids being at home all week long.

I've read some of your other Blog postings dealing with similar topics...

Here's an example of something that happens often: the 7 year-old will hit or put his foot on his 5 year old sister (or something either hurtful or just generally irritating). A yelling and crying match follows between the two.

Like I said, these situations seem to be pretty predictable situations that you are capable of describing in fairly complete detail to me, so act BEFORE the conflict starts by setting up some role playing with the kids that have them practice appropriate behavior. Then remember three key words: “that didn’t work” and when one way of teaching fails, use another but do it before there is trouble.

Before taking your parenting class, I would have previously talked to the children about what nice touches are and if not-so-nice touches were occurring I\'d spank or do timeouts.


You have proven that punishment does not work. I will grant you that punishment often gets the attention of kids but for it to work there has to be some teaching going on!

The teaching of the desired behavior is up to you!

Now, we have come up with a “Family Bill of Rights” that involves the fact that everyone in our house can experience the fruit of the spirit (love) and we've talked specifically about what are nice touches (hugs, family kisses, hand on the shoulder, etc. and what are not).

You, as the adult in the situation must act to stop the altercation. You cannot let one beat up or hurt the other. Just remember that separating them has not taught them what you want them to do! What it has done is to teach them that when people don’t get along they must separate! Yuck! We have enough of that in the world!

It is your job to teach them how to compromise, negotiate, compliment, share and other desired behaviors when they are calm and capable of actually learning.


When a physical altercation occurs between my 7 and 5 year old, I'm not sure what to do. I can't let someone get hurt, but I have decided not to spank and trying to teach them at that point is not going to work.

You are exactly right, it is not what you are trying to teach nor your ability to teach… you only problem is timing! Try to teach at a calm time BEFORE they are in an altercation!


You've said that taking something away that is not related does not connect the dots for kids... We've had the kids pick privileges but you say not to be involved in taking them away...how does this happen with kids so young?

If I came to your house to teach you to use that software, and took your keys to your car away from you after your first mistake… what would that teach you about what I wanted to teach you? Would you be any more able to use that software? No! but you would resent me and what I just did. Your kids are no different. The key is to teach them what you want them to do instead of what they did! Now if you are having a little trouble putting into words precisely what you want them to do… I can understand why your kids might have some trouble. However, it sounds to me like you have some well developed ideas about what you want your children to do; so teach them precisely, in behavioral terms that they understand!



What's your advice? Also, I've had at least one MAJOR angry outburst with my oldest child since we've been doing the privileges and not spanking and I've never seen him angry like this (even with spanking) although he does get it over it quickly...

Spanking and special privileges are really not much different. Neither one teaches the child how to make good decisions. Either the child is behaving to avoid your punishment or behaving to get your reward! What will the child do when you are not there to reward or punish? That is the real question.

I'm either thinking this is touching nerves with him or it's not working...but I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong...

You are doing something new and different. He has nine years of experience with the "old you"… let him know what has changed and why. He needs to know what you are doing and why you are doing it. He is nine and is fully capable of understanding that you have high expectations for his behavior.

Ask him to help you to design the desired behavior for him to choose in many of the situations that come up.

Teach him the real benefits of acting in a respectful and dignified manner towards others in your family and then let him see it actually work out best for him. Help him to see that his siblings actually do look up to him and respect him for his kindness and his ability to control his actions.

Rather than viewing yourself as his "decision-maker", start viewing yourself as the "decision-clarifier". Rather than telling him what to do, present desired changes to him as choices for him to make. (That is all that you can really ask him to do anyway! He can always choose to disobey you.) Explain the REAL positive outcomes (that means ones not created by you) that will come his way if he acts in the manner that you would like him to behave whether you are there or not.

But, like I said, present it to him as a choice. Remember that at nine he is half owner of the "mortgage" called his life… and as half owner he should be making at least half of his own big decisions. As a parent you need to start putting him progressively in more control of his actions. Set up situations to have him making big decisions and then give him some feedback on his actions and the outcomes that resulted from his actions.

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

I hope that these general and specific answers have been of help to you. Please keep me posted about how things go for you. Please subscribe to my Blog: (http://parentingwithdignity.blogspot.com/ )

Please go back and look at some of my previous Blogs because I have written about your types of questions.

Please get my two books because they are both full of suggestions to go along with the DVD curriculum. Please note that if you buy the DVD's, you receive a copy of one of my books for FREE!

Sincerely,

Mac Bledsoe

Parenting Classes in Prisons? Why?

Parenting Classes in Prisons

A remarkable woman, who is intensely interested in parenting issues, recently contacted me about our well established DVD Parenting with Dignity Curriculum. This lady is the dedicated mother of an inmate in the New York State Corrections system. Her son is a fine young man who made one terrible mistake!

She tells me that recently the State of New York has made a rather significant change in the direction of incarceration from being mostly a punitive system to one that is aiming at rehabilitation. I commend New York State for this change. Parenting with Dignity is quite active in some other Correctional Facilities in a number of other states that also have a similar rehabilitative approach toward incarceration. Many of these institutions offer a wide variety of programs for inmates to earn the right to attend educational curriculum which offer huge opportunities for inmates to profit greatly from their time in prison. (This lady's son is now pursuing a college degree via correspondence while he is serving his time.)

PW Has Success in a Prison Setting

The directors of Educational Programs of many of those other institutions tell us that our Parenting with Dignity Curriculum is very positively received by their inmate populations. They tell us that our Parenting with Dignity Curriculum is about the only program they can put on a DVD player and leave the room; and then upon return, the participants are either still watching intently or have stopped the DVD, and are discussing the material presented! As a matter of fact a number of the prisons are running our program as a peer-run and peer-facilitated curriculum!

Our Well Designed and Extremely "User-Friendly" Website

If you would like to see a little bit about what we do, our website is: http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/. If you do visit our particularly well designed website, I would like to suggest that you place your pointer over the word HOME in the Menu across the top of the Home Page. When the drop-down menu appears select the TAKE THE TOUR option that is highlighted in orange. (Or you can just click on this link: http://parentingwithdignity.com/tour/index.htm )

When you do that, the website will take you on a short tour of our program to allow you to see, in some detail, what the curriculum is all about. Please note that you can preview a short segment of each lesson at the page labeled DVD Series ( http://parentingwithdignity.com/PWD/video_series/index.htm ) .

The Parenting with Dignity Philosophy for raising self-reliant children is based upon the simple truth that children will make ALL of the big decisions in their lives. So it is the premise of Parenting with Dignity that in order to effectively raise children, parents must teach them how to make good decisions!

I believe that the reason that the course is so well received by prison inmates is that they realize the consequences of poor decisions! And, they are intrigued by the manner in which the course teaches parents how to teach children to make good decisions. As a matter of fact, while in the process of thinking about how they might teach good decision-making to their children, many of the inmates, for the first time in their lives, seem to engage in the task of teaching themselves to make good decisions!