Dear Mac,
I am taking your parenting course at work. I also just ordered the DVD set so I can share this with my husband and we can be on the same track.
We have an almost 7 year-old boy and 5 year-old and 9 month-old girls. We are trying to implement your ideas and strategies in our household but have been struggling with how to handle conflicts when they arise. These conflicts seem to have escalated with the onset of summer vacation and the kids being at home all week long.
I've read some of your other Blog postings dealing with similar topics...
Here's an example of something that happens often: the 7 year-old will hit or put his foot on his 5 year old sister (or something either hurtful or just generally irritating). A yelling and crying match follows between the two.
Before taking your parenting class, I would have previously talked to the children about what nice touches are and if not-so-nice touches were occurring I'd spank or do timeouts.
Now, we have come up with a “Family Bill of Rights” that involves the fact that everyone in our house can experience the fruit of the spirit (love) and we've talked specifically about what are nice touches (hugs, family kisses, hand on the shoulder, etc. and what are not).
When a physical altercation occurs between my 7 and 5 year old, I'm not sure what to do. I can't let someone get hurt, but I have decided not to spank and trying to teach them at that point is not going to work.
You've said that taking something away that is not related does not connect the dots for kids... We've had the kids pick privileges but you say not to be involved in taking them away...how does this happen with kids so young?
What's your advice? Also, I've had at least one MAJOR angry outburst with my oldest child since we've been doing the privileges and not spanking and I've never seen him angry like this (even with spanking) although he does get it over it quickly...
I'm either thinking this is touching nerves with him or it's not working...but I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong...
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!
Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom,
Your children are lucky to have you for a mother! You are seeking to be the best parent that you can be… and therefore you will be!!
Now for some help with your very common problems.
I will offer some very general comments first and then I will deal with your specific situations that you mention in your letter.
Comment #1: One of the biggest failings that I see young parents making is that they wait until a conflict or a problem arises before they attempt to deal with it. In other words, they simply parent by crisis management. That usually does not work very well because when the conflict arises, the child is not in a mode where they can take instruction!
Here is a way that I try to explain this to many parents: Imagine for a moment that I have come to your house to teach you how to operate a new and fairly complicated software on your computer. Now, rather than giving you this instruction to while you are calm and have all of the children in bed and you are free to concentrate on what I am teaching you, let’s just imagine that I try to do the teaching as you are attempting to feed the children and also at the same time as you and your husband are having an argument over the bills. How well do you think that you would learn to use the new software if I approached my instruction at that time?
Timing Is the Issue
Well, basically that is what you are doing if you attempt to teach your children after a conflict has arisen. You need to teach them at some time BEFORE the conflict is going on! I am sure that if you stop and think just a little bit you can think up some scenarios where some of these conflicts arise. Now what you need to do is to apply Rule #1 from our Parenting with Dignity curriculum and teach your child what you want them TO DO in that type of a situation. Then apply Rule #3 and repeat your instruction a few times. If you are still not successful, remember the corollary to Rule #3 and find another way to teach the same behavior!
General Comment #2: I love your "Family Bill of Rights"! Now, you simply must teach them to your children in behavioral terms that they understand. Do not become discouraged if they do not master it on the first explanation. Just like the example of teaching you to use a software program... it will most likely take a few repetitions.
Next, you need to apply our Rule #4 and get them to say it for themselves. Saying “enjoy the fruit of the spirit” works for you and me but I doubt that a five-year-old or a nine-year-old would attach much meaning to that term. Explain what behavior you “expect the next time” they are in a similar situation and then have them repeat it back to you. Even better, have them demonstrate the desired behavior to you. Remember that what you are attempting to do is to program their minds with the “ideas that you want to rule their worlds and to dictate their choices to act in an appropriate manner. This approach may take longer but let me toll you, It will save time and effort in the long run… and of most importance; this approach will work when you are not there to enforce good decisions about using appropriate behavior!
General Comment #3: Many people misinterpret our program to be about replacing positive rewards (what you call privileges) in place of punishment or negative consequences. This is a mistaken perception. The goal is to raise children who are capable of making great decisiions for themselves; decisions that are NOT dependent upon your reward or punishment. Decisions reached like this will insure that your kids will make these same good decisions when you are not there to mske the decisions for them!
Now with those general comments please refer to the text of your message below for my specific comments.
Specific Comments:
Like I said, your children are very lucky to have you folks as their parents! Your studies will reap great rewards over the long haul.
We have an almost 7 year old boy and 5 year-old and 9 month-old girls. We are trying to implement your ideas and strategies in our household but have been struggling with how to handle conflicts when they arise. These conflicts seem to have escalated with the onset of summer vacation and the kids being at home all week long.
I've read some of your other Blog postings dealing with similar topics...
Here's an example of something that happens often: the 7 year-old will hit or put his foot on his 5 year old sister (or something either hurtful or just generally irritating). A yelling and crying match follows between the two.
Like I said, these situations seem to be pretty predictable situations that you are capable of describing in fairly complete detail to me, so act BEFORE the conflict starts by setting up some role playing with the kids that have them practice appropriate behavior. Then remember three key words: “that didn’t work” and when one way of teaching fails, use another but do it before there is trouble.
Before taking your parenting class, I would have previously talked to the children about what nice touches are and if not-so-nice touches were occurring I\'d spank or do timeouts.
You have proven that punishment does not work. I will grant you that punishment often gets the attention of kids but for it to work there has to be some teaching going on!
The teaching of the desired behavior is up to you!
Now, we have come up with a “Family Bill of Rights” that involves the fact that everyone in our house can experience the fruit of the spirit (love) and we've talked specifically about what are nice touches (hugs, family kisses, hand on the shoulder, etc. and what are not).
You, as the adult in the situation must act to stop the altercation. You cannot let one beat up or hurt the other. Just remember that separating them has not taught them what you want them to do! What it has done is to teach them that when people don’t get along they must separate! Yuck! We have enough of that in the world!
It is your job to teach them how to compromise, negotiate, compliment, share and other desired behaviors when they are calm and capable of actually learning.
When a physical altercation occurs between my 7 and 5 year old, I'm not sure what to do. I can't let someone get hurt, but I have decided not to spank and trying to teach them at that point is not going to work.
You are exactly right, it is not what you are trying to teach nor your ability to teach… you only problem is timing! Try to teach at a calm time BEFORE they are in an altercation!
You've said that taking something away that is not related does not connect the dots for kids... We've had the kids pick privileges but you say not to be involved in taking them away...how does this happen with kids so young?
If I came to your house to teach you to use that software, and took your keys to your car away from you after your first mistake… what would that teach you about what I wanted to teach you? Would you be any more able to use that software? No! but you would resent me and what I just did. Your kids are no different. The key is to teach them what you want them to do instead of what they did! Now if you are having a little trouble putting into words precisely what you want them to do… I can understand why your kids might have some trouble. However, it sounds to me like you have some well developed ideas about what you want your children to do; so teach them precisely, in behavioral terms that they understand!
What's your advice? Also, I've had at least one MAJOR angry outburst with my oldest child since we've been doing the privileges and not spanking and I've never seen him angry like this (even with spanking) although he does get it over it quickly...
Spanking and special privileges are really not much different. Neither one teaches the child how to make good decisions. Either the child is behaving to avoid your punishment or behaving to get your reward! What will the child do when you are not there to reward or punish? That is the real question.
I'm either thinking this is touching nerves with him or it's not working...but I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong...
You are doing something new and different. He has nine years of experience with the "old you"… let him know what has changed and why. He needs to know what you are doing and why you are doing it. He is nine and is fully capable of understanding that you have high expectations for his behavior.
Ask him to help you to design the desired behavior for him to choose in many of the situations that come up.
Teach him the real benefits of acting in a respectful and dignified manner towards others in your family and then let him see it actually work out best for him. Help him to see that his siblings actually do look up to him and respect him for his kindness and his ability to control his actions.
Rather than viewing yourself as his "decision-maker", start viewing yourself as the "decision-clarifier". Rather than telling him what to do, present desired changes to him as choices for him to make. (That is all that you can really ask him to do anyway! He can always choose to disobey you.) Explain the REAL positive outcomes (that means ones not created by you) that will come his way if he acts in the manner that you would like him to behave whether you are there or not.
But, like I said, present it to him as a choice. Remember that at nine he is half owner of the "mortgage" called his life… and as half owner he should be making at least half of his own big decisions. As a parent you need to start putting him progressively in more control of his actions. Set up situations to have him making big decisions and then give him some feedback on his actions and the outcomes that resulted from his actions.
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!
I hope that these general and specific answers have been of help to you. Please keep me posted about how things go for you. Please subscribe to my Blog: (http://parentingwithdignity.blogspot.com/ )
Please go back and look at some of my previous Blogs because I have written about your types of questions.
Please get my two books because they are both full of suggestions to go along with the DVD curriculum. Please note that if you buy the DVD's, you receive a copy of one of my books for FREE!
Sincerely,
Mac Bledsoe
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