Yelling at Kids!

Yelling at Kids Teaches!

Yelling at kids teaches kids that people do not mean what they say until they yell.
Yelling at kids teaches children to yell back.
Yelling at kids teaches kid to yell at others.
Yelling at kids teaches kids to ignore respectful and dignified requests when people speak to them in other tones of voice.
Yelling at kids teaches kids that they are not worthy of speaking to in civil tones.
Yelling at kids teaches them that a reasonable way to relieve stress is to yell at others.

Kids Learn More from our Actions than from our Words!

The point here is that yelling at kids teaches them lots of stuff, but it rarely, if ever, teaches them anything of much value. I do not think that yelling indelibly scars children unduly, nor does it do them irreparable psychological damage; but it certainly does not help them to learn productive ways of interacting with the world.

I guess that you could say that I am opposed to yelling at kids for the same reason that I am opposed to punishment; it simply does not work in any way that is even close to the way that it is intended. Yelling teaches lots of thing but rarely enhances the lesson in the words that are yelled.

A Personal Experience

I was sent to my room thousands of times for teasing my sisters. I was told to go in my room and think about how to treat my sisters. I did. I thought about how I was going to get them out behind the barn just as soon as I got out of my room and hold their heads under water in the horse trough for tattling on me. Sending me to my room did not teach me how to get along with my sisters. The desired or intended result was a far cry from the real outcome. My parents intention in sending me to my room was to teach me how to treat my sisters in a much nicer manner but what they got was far different from what they intended. Yelling at kids brings about a very similar kind of outcome.

A child who is yelled at on a regular basis simply learns that he doesn’t have to listen to instructions delivered in a quiet and dignified voice.

Teaching Does NOT Require Intent!

When we are with kids we are teaching every minute we are in their presence! Even though we may have no intention to teach nor any idea about what we want to teach… we are teaching just the same. Kids learn our language at their own pace and other than a little work on some specific vocabulary they learn it quite completely with little intent on our part. Kids rapidly learn the tense of verbs and they often learn it from parents who cannot intellectually define the tenses of the verbs that they taught to their kids! The point is that kids learn many things from us without us intending to teach them.

Kids in France speak French. Kids in Japan speak Japanese. However, take the French girl and raise her in the Japanese home and she would speak Japanese! Raise the Japanese kid in the French home and he will speak French. Raise them in my home and both will speak English. Language acquisition may be genetic. All normal human beings speak; but the specific language that they speak is learned! Kids learn the language that they are exposed to.

Children Learn What they Are Exposed To

Not only do kids learn the spoken language they are exposed to, but they also learn to interpret and use all of the non-verbal ways of communication. They learn what a civil tone of voice means. They learn what words like “please” and “thank you” mean.

Children raised in the presence of adults who rarely say things in a conversational tone and who never enforce anything said in that conversational tone learn that adults rarely mean what they say in a conversational tone! Kids who hear yelling all of the time, begin to feel that yelling is normal conversation. They will react to this language just as naturally as kids in France react to French. If yelled commands are the norm then kids begin to learn that yelled commands are normal so then they react to them in a like manner. Kids can, and do, even learn that yelled commands need not be listened to while civilly expressed commands can be ignored. I witness that dynamic in many homes.

In working with a family for the 20/20 program I found a couple with a son who didn’t seem to obey many commands or requests for action from his parents. I watched a week of tape from their home and discovered an amazing thing. Every time his mother or father said his middle name in a loud and yelling tone of voice, his head turned and he listened to what they said and he usually did it! A shouted, “Joe!” did not get his attention or action. An equally loud, “Joseph!” was just as ineffective. “Young man!” expressed in a conversational tone of voice did little to interrupt his play and did not even get the boy to look up.

But when his parents said “Joseph Alex!” in a loud, yelling kind of voice, he quite often listened and usually complied! Why? Their actions had taught him that when they said his middle name in a shouted voice, his time of ignoring was done! At this point, he knew that they would enforce the following command, so he complied.

Children Learn What Your Actions Teach

Joseph Alex had learned exactly what his mom and dad had unintentionally taught him. Even though they did not intend to teach him to ignore conversational tones of voice; their actions had taught him.

It was pretty simple to restructure effective communication in that family. All that the parents had to do was to duplicate their actions that they had previously used with their son when they shouted his middle name. Only in the restructured situation they had to do it with their first civil and polite request for “Joseph Alex” to perform some desired action.

Say It Civilly and Politely… but Enforce It!

It did not take long before Joseph was willingly obeying dignified and respectful commands. By using a little thought and planning, his parents had taught him a new language! The first step lay in restructuring their own plan of action and in taking control of what they were teaching their son. And man, let me tell you, they all felt much more calm and less stressed.

Dignity!

This brings us to another very important reason why yelling at kids is highly ineffective. Yelling destroys the dignity of both the parent and the child. Kids can learn to respond to calm demeanor just as easily as they can learn to respond to yelling. When parents yell at kids the stress level of everyone in the home goes up, but “yelling-related stress” increases for no one more than the parent. I learned this simple concept while teaching.

One day, while I was teaching at Walla Walla High School, I had had a particularly tough day of being angry and loud with students and was feeling really stressed out by my ineffective interaction with my students. (The kids were probably OK with it… they had learned the “language” of that guy who yells during third period!) My stress level was near the breaking point. In my frustration, I sought out the council of Lola Whitner, a master teacher who taught in the room next to mine. I said to her, “Lola, how do you do it. You are sixty-five years old, you are a perfect lady, you are barely five feet tall, you speak to kids in a respectful conversational, tone and yet the same students that I feel compelled to yell at are so quiet and respectful with you, and you never raise your voice. Help me. I must learn to do what you do!”

Very quietly she replied, “You have quite a temper, Mac. I can hear you through the walls. (She chuckled as she said that.) However, I have one question for you; can you ever control your temper? Can you ever speak quietly and respectfully to your students?”

“Well, yes, sometimes I can control my temper,” I replied. “But often I just blow up.”

“Well, Mac,” she replied very calmly, “If you control your temper some of the time then you can control it. Now that we have established that you are capable of controlling your temper may I point out to you that if you do not control your temper it is a choice! Why don’t you choose to control it all of the time?”

Her simple question changed my life forever! I finally realized that my actions were my choice! I never yelled in anger in a class ever again! I chose to be different and I was! The biggest thing that changed was my feeling of control and power over my life. I once and for all preserved my dignity and the dignity of my students by choosing to not yell; by choosing to speak in a civil, dignified, respectful, and polite manner. They rapidly learned that even though I was not yelling, I still meant what I was saying. My classroom became a respectful, dignified, and relaxed place; just like Lola’s.

I was recently asked what would be my short-term suggestion as a solution for parents who found themselves yelling at their kids, and I have none.

No "Short-Term Solutions" or "Quick-Fixes"

I do not put much stock in short-term solutions to life-long types of problems. Lola did not propose a short-term solution to my problem and and a short-term solution would have been of little value to me. Therefore, I would not suggest a "quick-fix" for anyone else.

The solution to the problem of yelling at kids lies in changing your manner of speaking to children forever. The long-term, life-changing solution does not involve going into a room and shouting, or hitting a punching bag. The solution does not lie in counting to ten or leaving the room. The solution lies in deciding to be different, today, tomorrow, and forever. The solution lies in letting the calm of self-control waft over you. The solution to yelling at your children lies in committing to a plan of action for how you will act before the yell-triggering situation arises; and then following your plan. This plan will bring dignity and peace to a family.

Now, to augment this new found self-control derived by deciding to be calm, dignified, and respectful, and committing to a plan of speaking in a conversational voice, it is necessary to anticipate the situations or circumstances where you are tempted to yell. The situations are always quite predictable. Identify those times and then develop a very specific plan of action for those situations. Actually practice the words that you will say and the manner in which you will say them.

The Situation!

For example, let’s say that one time when you have lost control and yelled in the past was when you would ask your kids to help with setting the table for dinner. At this time they would previously drive you crazy when they would just ignore your requests for help. So you would resort to yelling with little if any change in their behavior. Build a plan for this specific situation.

The Plan!

Rather than standing in the kitchen and yelling, as you have previously done with little results, go to where your kids are and say respectfully, “I need your help. Would you please get up now and come in and set the table? Look at me kids. I am smiling and I am speaking in a polite tone of voice. I even said ‘please’, but I really mean it.”

If they do not immediately start to move to set the table, move squarely in front of them and ask politely in a calm tone, “Excuse me, but what did I just ask you to do?” (You may have to point out to them that you just asked a question that you wish to have answered because they are now in their Ignore-Mom-or-Dad-mode.) Stay right in front of them and wait for their answer. As soon as they can repeat what you have said, say, “OK, so you know what you are to do and I am going to wait right here until you start, so please get started right now.” All of this is said in a respectful and pleasant tone of voice at a conversational volume.

Be Patient

It may even take weeks for this new dignified approach to begin to take hold because the kids have literally had years ignoring your conversational statements and years of hearing you yell at them. It will take time to “learn the new language” that you are speaking!

All too often I find that parents are looking for gimmicks or tricks to use with their kids, when what really works is to make simple and fundamental changes in their own ways of thinking and acting. Usually the people who yell at their kids are the same ones who will become the most upset if their kids were ever to yell back. It is pretty easy to get caught in a trap of holding higher standards for kids’ behavior than we hold for our own behavior.

Some Key Questions

Now, before we leave this topic of yelling at kids, I would like to throw out some questions for the consideration of anyone who is choosing to yell at a child.

“On what basis have you decided that you are justified in yelling at your kids?”

To follow up that question here are a few more to answer.

“Is it justifiable to yell at kids because you are older?”

“Do you deem it justifiable to yell at your kids because you are bigger?

“Do you view it to be reasonable to yell at your kids because you are the parent and have parental authority?”

“Do you feel justified in yelling at your children because you are older and have more life experience?”

It would seem to me that all of these would constitute reasons for you to NOT yell at your kids. “Is there any viable justification for yelling at a child?”

Yes, I will grant you that it might be justifiable to yell at a kid if he was running toward the street and a truck was coming, or if she was reaching for a boiling pan of water on the stove; but short of an emergency, is there any reasonable justification for yelling at children? If not, then why not adopt the ideas above and take the action to stop it?

In closing let me just say that there are millions of well-adjusted adults who were yelled at as kids. I would simply say that they arrived as well-adjusted adults in spite of the yelling and not because of the yelling.

Do not ever use the old fallacy of, “It was done to me, therefore is justifiable for me to do it to my kids!” as an excuse for your actions. Do what works. Yelling simply does not work very well. Having a plan for dignity and civility works. Use it!

Spanking Children

"Some Sound Reasons Why Spanking Does Not Work"

Let me begin this article by saying that I am not opposed to spanking just because I believe that it is a terrible or evil thing. I very simply do not think that it works to bring about lasting and positive changes in children!

As a matter of fact, I do not believe that Punishment, in general, works very well as a teaching tool.

A Working Definition of Punishment

First, let me define what I mean by punishment:
For the sake of this discussion let’s establish that Punishment refers to any artificially created consequence for a given behavior. (This definition would then include any spanking, grounding, sending to the bedroom, removal of privileges, slapping a hand,withholding of allowance, timeout, etc.)

Here are some of the reasons that punishment (spanking in particular) does not work when it is used in an attempt to teach children (or any humans for that matter!):


1. Punishment guarantees a "push-back" response in almost all situations! (A push-back response is simply the natural human resistance to change.) When we as parents push on our children they will push back. It is unavoidable. Sometimes the “push-back” will be more pronounced than at other times. But it will be there. When punishment is used, it almost guarantees the most powerful “push-back” response from a child! Then, when the punishment is a “spanking”, the “push-back response” is even more pronounced. Watch children react to spanking by throwing fits, swinging back, kicking, and in general lashing out at anyone and everything within reach following a spanking!

Now, let’s go to some of the other compelling reasons that punishment fails to teach the desired lessons.

2. Punishment removes the focus of both the "punisher" and the "punished" from the behavior in question. When a parent resorts to punishment, both the parent and the child begin to pay attention to the punishment, its’ fairness and its’ enforcement. This is especially true of spanking because it hurts. It is almost impossible for a child to ignore the invasiveness of a spanking. This causes the child to stop thinking about the decision process that brought about the negative behavior in the first place! The child is only thinking about the spanking!

Let’s say that a child has just grabbed a toy from a playmate or pulled a valued vase off of a table and broken it. The parent then gives the child a hit on the backside. At this moment the child is not thinking about the toy, the other child, or the broken vase. The child it thinking about the pain in their backside!

By inserting punishment into the equation the parent has removed the focus from the negative behavior and the correction of that behavior. Both parent and child are now thinking about the hit! Neither is thinking about the desired behavior. Both may have fleeting thoughts about the preceding negative behavior but they are both most definitely thinking about the associated hit. At this point the child is never thinking about any possibilities for a better behavior to use in place of the negative behavior. No progress is made. Rarely, if ever, is the parent even thinking of a positive alternative behavior to teach the child. Even the parent is still focused only on the negative behavior that brought on the punishment!

When the punishment is used the child is not engaged in creating a new thought process that will bring about better decisions and outcomes next time.

3. Punishment focuses anger on the "punisher." When parents resort to punishment it gives children someone to be mad at! When children are angry at someone, they do not have to face their own behavior and the natural consequences of that behavior. Anger interrupts responsible thought processes for both the child and parent.

Parents are often deluded into thinking that hitting the child has taught the child a lesson and it is simply not true. When a child is hit by a parent, the child is mad at the parent for the hit. It would be a rare child that would sustain a hit, and immediately start thinking about possibilities for a more positive action. It would be nice to think that would happen but it simply does not. Many parents mistakenly think that is what is going on in the child’s mind but it simply is not.

4. Punishment induced behavior "extinguishes" rapidly. In the absence of punishment, the negative behavior returns. Behavior that has been shaped by punishment will disappear soon after the punishment has disappeared simply because the child has not been included in the reasoning and personal profitability of the desired behavior.

When children are hit for doing something, they will usually become more secretive about the behavior to avoid future punishment. They will simply take the toy away from the other child when the parent is not looking or they will pull the vase off the shelf when the parent is in the other room.

Punishment rarely is followed with positive instruction and if positive instruction does follow the punishment, the child is usually too agitated to learn.

I like to explain this to parents by having them imagine that I were to come to their home and try to teach them to program their VCR. I ask them to imagine that I arrived at the house at the very moment when they were having a big argument about filling out the IRS tax forms. I ask them, “How well would you be able to learn the simple procedures with your VCR while you are in that agitated state of mind about taxes?”

Well, that is similar to the state of mind that a child is in when they are being punished. Multiply that agitation when the punishment of choice has just been a “spanking”! Children cannot learn at times like this.

5. Punishment traps the "punisher" into maintaining the punishment schedule. "You made the rules, now you must enforce them." The goal should be to let the natural negative consequences do the enforcing. When you introduce artificially created punishment, the child then may turn it into a game of seeing how much they can get away with without you catching them.

When the punishment is spanking, the parent is often cornered into justifying the hitting. Many parents find themselves being called "mean" or "unfair" by a child at this point. And, the whole scenario has completely lost all focus! Once a child learns that he/she can divert the discussion to one about how "unfair" or "mean" the parents are, the whole interaction begins to take a familiar circular pattern that does not include any discussion about the behavior the parent would like to be teaching!

6. Punishment and hitting (spanking) do not teach a child accountability. By using punishment the "punisher" is taking the responsibility to see that the child’s behavior changes. If you use punishment, by your actions, YOU have accepted responsibility for your child's behavior. If you accept the responsibility for your child's behavior then he/she will have to learn to be accountable outside your influence, and the outside world is a tough teacher!

7. Most of all, punishment denies a child the right to experience the real consequence of their actions. The reward for good performance is... good performance. Seldom is it necessary for us to provide the reward, and the same is true for punishment. As parents we need to point out the negative consequences inherent in their negative behavior; we do not need to create new ones. We can serve as a big help to our children if we help them foresee potential problems and natural consequences of some of their possible decisions.

There are a couple of situations where it is unreasonable to let children run into the natural consequences of poor performance. If it is illegal, immoral, or life threatening then we must act as the adult in their world and step in to prevent major injury, incarceration, or violation of society's rules of decency.

The Punishment for poor performance is... Poor Performance!
The reward for good performance is… Good Performance!

Here's a direct quote from our Parenting with Dignity, Parent’s Workbook, "It is not the duty of adults to create new punishments, but rather it is the job of the parent to point out the negative consequences inherent in the child's negative actions… and of the utmost importance; it is the obligation of the parent to suggest positive alternatives to negative or inappropriate actions."

The Golden Rule

Isn't this all really pretty simple when you think about it? Those simple truths that have stood the test of time still apply to our lives today and still have even more validity than ever. The "Golden Rule" might be the ultimate in effective parenting tools.

Treat your children in a manner that you would like to be treated! When I am asked about the issue of spanking, I always ask people why they choose to attempt to legitimize the behavior by calling it "spanking". Why do people not just call it what it is... hitting children? So I ask that instead of using the word SPANK, let's agree to use the word HIT during our discussions instead.

Then I usually ask, "On what basis do you advocate hitting your children? Is it because you are bigger? Because you are older? Because you are more experienced? Because you are more educated? Because you are stronger?"

It would seem to me that those would be reasons that would sort of disqualify anyone from being justified to hit a child. Then I usually ask them, "How would you respond if I came to your house and hit you because your garage is a mess?"

I am aware that there are people who still advocate "spanking", but... that does not sway me. I simply do not believe that spanking works! I will grant you that hitting a child may get the child’s attention but once a person resorts to hitting, there is very little teaching going on! Even the kind of attention that might be gained by hitting destroys any kind of a teaching atmosphere.

James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, and I disagree on the issue of "spanking". It is about the only thing that he and I disagree about but we respectfully disagree on "spanking". Dr. Dobson advocates that parents "spank" and I do not. He prefers the term “spank” and I prefer the more descriptive term of “hit”.

Parenting with Dignity simply advocates that parents find much more effective methods of working with and teaching their children! With many other effective techniques, a parent may never even have to consider "spanking" because they simply do not need it!

“The Five Rules for Parents" in the second lesson of our PWD course is a great place for parents to start developing anarsenal of skills that do not employ punishment or spanking. Armed with those tools most parents find little need to punish their children.